It Started With A Trial
by MortalSora
Summary: *Last chapter up* Kain's Christmas gift doesn't really work out the way he wanted it to. Please R&R!
1. It Started with a Trial

Disclaimer: I done this all throughout my first fic, but I'll do this again anyway. I don't  
  
own LoK or any of its characters  
  
_____________________________________________________  
  
  
  
The scene is the Pillars (I really overuse this scene) and the lieutenants are  
  
bored and Kain's pissed off...again  
  
Kain: I'm pissed!  
  
Raziel: What now?  
  
Kain: Well, I'm bored. My life is dull!  
  
Raziel: (sarcastically) Yes, I suppose the life of a time traveling vampire with a  
  
rebellious son would get kind of tiring.  
  
Kain: I need to go out and kill something.  
  
Dumah: Ooh, can I go and kill stuff too?  
  
Kain: Um...no. (then Kain heads to the door) This day couldn't get any worse.  
  
(then when Kain opened the door Janos was on the other side of it, holding a pan)  
  
Kain: Dammit! I hate you Janos!  
  
Janos: (calling out to the lieutenants) I've baked cookies!  
  
Turel: Chocolate chip!  
  
Kain: Janos, you're like the mother they never had.  
  
(then Kain left and Janos entered)  
  
Janos: I thought you vamps might need some cookies.  
  
Melchiah: Oh, awesome!  
  
Dumah: Why are you being nice to us?  
  
Janos: Because I have a date.  
  
Rahab: With who?  
  
Janos: The Seer.  
  
Melchiah: (giggling) Yeah, she's a slut. She'll go with anyone.  
  
Dumah: (to Melchiah) Yeah, even losers like you!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah. (then Melchiah starts laughing again, but then he notices what Dumah  
  
just said) What?  
  
(meanwhile, Kain decided to go to his favorite restaurant-Meridian)  
  
Kain: (while riding in a go-kart made of legos that Kain built) Something interesting  
  
always happens in Meridian. Last time I went there, I found a memory recorder. I  
  
wonder what'll happen this time? Maybe something exciting that I'll later get pissed off  
  
about. That also always happens in Meridian.  
  
(so Kain finally arrived in Meridian and was wondering around the streets, very very  
  
very hungry)  
  
Kain: I'm hungry. (then Kain grabs a Passerby 1)  
  
Kain: Hey, can I kill you and drink your blood?  
  
Passerby 1: No! (then Passerby 1 runs off)  
  
Kain: Selfish!  
  
(so Kain wanders about unbearingly hungry, so hungry that he feels as though he's  
  
about to pass out. So hun-)  
  
Kain: Enough already!  
  
(then Kain looks around and finds a dead body. Well, Kain's was hungry and for some  
  
odd reason, there was still blood left in the body!)  
  
Kain: (looking at the dead person) Supper! (then, while drinking the blood) I'm such a  
  
sucker for corpses.  
  
(then, unbeknownst to Kain but now knownst to us, Moebius saw Kain drinking the  
  
blood)  
  
Moebius: Police! Police! (Moebius, you idiot, there are no police!) Oh yeah. Sarafan,  
  
sarafan!  
  
(then thousands of sarafan surround Kain, who's still drinking blood)  
  
Kain: Yummy!  
  
(then Moebius came up and kicked Kain)  
  
Kain: (seeing Moebius) Hey you vile carbuncle-infested bastard! I was drin- (then Kain  
  
saw the multiple sarafan) Hey, I was set up!  
  
Moebius: Oh really...  
  
Kain: (then Kain pulls out pepper spray) Aha! Just in case this happened! (then Kain  
  
pressed the button. Too bad he had the can facing the wrong way and Kain's own eyes  
  
got pepper sprayed) I really need to stop coming to Meridian and just enjoy being  
  
bored.  
  
  
  
Back at the Pillars...  
  
  
  
Raziel: (while preening himself) Man, what would I do without you? You're everything  
  
to me. You are someone I want to protect from all those jealous bastards. (Raziel is  
  
looking at his reflection, of course)  
  
(...and everyone else was watching T.V. including Janos and Vorador, who has his  
  
head duck taped again, and who has also just gotten back from Meridian)  
  
Rahab: I love this show!  
  
Dumah: You're the only person I know whose favorite channel is the news channel!  
  
Man you're so dull!  
  
Zephon: I'm not dull! I'm hyper and dependable!  
  
Dumah: Riiiiiiiiight...  
  
(then the telephone rang. Where'd they get the telephone since Marcus stole the only  
  
one in Nosgoth? I don't know)  
  
Melchiah: (talking into the phone) Hello? Yes? Yes? Again! That always happens when  
  
he goes there! Okay, we'll bail him out! Bye! (then Melchiah slams the phone down)  
  
Rahab: What was that?  
  
Melchiah: Razzygirl, come here!  
  
Raziel: (while walking to the others) The least y'all could do is call me Razzyboy.  
  
Melchiah: Anyway, Kain went to Meridian again.  
  
Raziel: Why? Something bad always happens when he goes there.  
  
Melchiah: He's getting a trial.  
  
Janos: You mean they're trying to send him to jail! We must help him!  
  
Dumah: Kain. Jail. Forever. Let's seize the moment!  
  
Vorador: Yes Dumah, let's get him locked up so tight that he'll never come out!  
  
Vorador and Dumah: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(the others just stare at him)  
  
Raziel: If you 2 mess this up, we'll kill you!  
  
Zephon: I bet you a banana pudding that we'll free him!  
  
Dumah: You're on!  
  
(so they all raced to Meridian and are now in the trial room)  
  
Kain: Oh no! The 8 stupid avengers are here...  
  
Raziel: Don't worry, we've got you covered. Besides, any sane and sensible judge will  
  
be on our side.  
  
Sarafan 1: All rise for Judge Moebius!  
  
Raziel: Oh sh*#.  
  
Moebius: Sit down everyone. The case today is about Kain killing someone. If he's  
  
guilty, he'll rot.  
  
Kain: I really hate these situations I get myself in. I really should stop coming here.  
  
Lieutenants: We're witnesses.  
  
Janos and Vorador: And us!  
  
Kain: Listen, I'm gonna rot! I don't need you 8 to make things worse!  
  
Raziel: Don't worry, we've got an ace-in-the-hole.  
  
Vorador: No, it's pronounced a-s-s-h-o-l-e.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah. And Vorador's that guy.  
  
Kain: I'm gonna die.  
  
Lieutenants minus Dumah plus Janos: We are the defense!  
  
Dumah and Vorador: We are working for the prosecution!  
  
Kain: What!? Raziel, why'd you make them on the enemy's side!  
  
Raziel: There he goes, blaming me again!  
  
Moebius: Order! Shut up you dead smelly corpses!  
  
Zephon: Ooh, that me!  
  
Moebius: Who's going to be the first to defend Kain?  
  
Raziel: I will!  
  
Moebius: Step up to the box.  
  
(Raziel steps up to the box)  
  
Sarafan 2: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so  
  
may God help your stupid scrupulous soul.  
  
Raziel: Scrupulous?  
  
Sarafan 2: Do you?  
  
Raziel: Why, of course! I'm known for my honesty.  
  
Sarafan 2: Okay. Start.  
  
Raziel: First of all, I'd like to say that does Kain look like the kind of person that would  
  
kill somebody? I mean, look at him. He's ugly as hell and dumb as a stump, so how  
  
could he ever kill someone?  
  
Random Person in Audience: He killed my aunt and uncle!  
  
Raziel: Crap. That didn't work.  
  
Kain: I'm going to die.  
  
Raziel: I am his son, and as such I know this man Kain would NEVER hurt a fly!  
  
(then Raziel gets zapped by lightning)  
  
Raziel: What was that?  
  
(then Raziel notices a metal helmet on his head)  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Moebius: A lie detector.  
  
Kain: (sighs) Why do I keep coming here and getting in trouble like this? It's annoying.  
  
Raziel: Um...er...uh, I've said enough!  
  
Moebius: Wait Raziel, it's OUR turn now!  
  
Sarafan 1: Has Kain ever been unnecessarily mean to you?  
  
Kain: Aw sh**!  
  
Raziel: Um...(nervous laughter) Yes.  
  
Sarafan 1: Can you tell us how many times?  
  
Raziel: (almost crying cause he knows he's gonna get his dad killed) Well, when he  
  
ripped of my wings, threw me into the abyss, shot me with the soul reaver...  
  
(8 hours later)  
  
Raziel: ...he blamed me for Dumah screwing up, he blamed me for him being on  
  
this trial, and he blamed me for Dumah and Vorador working for the prosecution.  
  
Moebius: I rest my case. You may go now.  
  
(then Raziel ranto the others)  
  
Raziel: (in a scarred tone) It didn't go well...  
  
Moebius: Next up is Rahab!  
  
Kain: Aw, Rehab's gonna screw up!  
  
(Rahab stepped up to the box with a lie detector on)  
  
Sarafan 2: Do you swear to do all that stuff that I said earlier that I won't pronounce  
  
again because I'm lazy?  
  
Rahab: Yes.  
  
Moebius: Go ahead nerd.  
  
Rahab: Um...my defense if that the blood was already drained and that the red  
  
liquid was, in fact, red Gatorade.  
  
(then Rahab got zapped)  
  
Rahab: Forgot all about this thing.  
  
Moebius: MY turn! Rahab, has Kain had a record of killing people before?  
  
Rahab: (in a whiny tone) This isn't fair. Yes.  
  
Moebius: I rest my case. Now go away geek. (then Rahab goes and sits down) Next up  
  
is Zephon!  
  
Zephon: (to Kain) Don't worry cause I have a trick up my sleeve that's guaranteed to  
  
get you free.  
  
Kain: (sighs)  
  
(Zephon steps up to box, wears lie detector)  
  
Moebius: Well idiot, what've you got to say?  
  
Zephon: I want to call a witness!  
  
Sarafan 2: Who?  
  
Zephon: Judge Moebius! (using the whisper to Kain) Clever huh?  
  
Kain: (using the whisper back) You're a dumbass.  
  
Moebius: What do you want to ask me?  
  
Zephon: Do you think Kain's really that bad of a vampire?  
  
Moebius: Yes.  
  
Zephon: (disappointed) Are you sure? I was hoping you would sat 'no.'  
  
Moebius: He is a vampire, thus deserving to die.  
  
Zephon: Ah. That didn't go well. I rest my case.  
  
Meobius: Idiot. Next up is Melchiah!  
  
Melchiah: I'm ready!  
  
(then Melchiah goes to the box with a lie detector)  
  
Moebius: How do you plead?  
  
Melchiah: I think Kain is innocent!  
  
Moebius: Do you have proof?  
  
Melchiah: Yes! (zap!) But I do! (zap!) He wouldn't hurt anybody! (zap!) This lie detector  
  
is broken! (zap!) Please, make it stop!  
  
Moebius: Has Kain ever done anything bad?  
  
Melchiah: Um...yes.  
  
Kain: I won't make it out of here alive...  
  
Moebius: Like what?  
  
Melchiah: Well, once I had a pet hedgehog, up until Kain decided to play soccer with it.  
  
Kain: (sighs)  
  
Melchiah: I also had a pet lemming.  
  
Kain: I'm not good with pets.  
  
Melchiah: So Kain took my pet lemming on a trip. Lemmings love jumping off cliffs.  
  
Then that bastard Kain led my pet lemming on a trip to the ledge of the abyss. I guess  
  
you can bet what happened.  
  
Kain: (sniggering) That was fun.  
  
Moebius: That's it. I call the next vamp. Come on Janos!  
  
(Janos steps up to the box with a lie detector on)  
  
Janos: Ladies and gentlemen! I have a dream! That vampires and humans can get  
  
along in harmony! I have a dream! That if humans and vampires can get along  
  
together, there'll be no need for war. All will be good in Nosgoth. That means no more  
  
unnecessary deaths! That is all!  
  
Moebius: That was simply beautiful.  
  
Janos: And a good start to this dream is to release Kain!  
  
Moebius: That was stunning!  
  
Janos: So will you let him go?  
  
Moebius: It wasn't quite that stunning. Now leave you hippy. Next up is Dumah, who's  
  
on the prosecutors' side.  
  
(then Janos leaves and Dumah comes up)  
  
Dumah: (mocking Janos) I have a wet dream! And it proves that male vampires and  
  
human women can get along!  
  
Zephon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dumah: But, Kain's a horrible bastard and doesn't deserve anything. That's all I have to  
  
say.  
  
Moebius: (while clapping) Bravo! Bravo! Excellent! Well, I guess that's it.  
  
Raziel: Wait no! What about Vorador?  
  
Moebius: Where is that perverted gimp?  
  
(then the doors are busted open and Vorador's riding a horse, dressed like the Headless  
  
Horseman, with a sword in the left hand and his own flaming head in the right)  
  
Moebius: What the hell?  
  
(everyone starts screaming and panicking)  
  
Kain: Man, this is dull.  
  
(then Vorador throws his flaming head at Moebius, knocking Moebius straight in the  
  
head, knocking Moebius to the ground. Then Vorador swings his sword and charges at  
  
Moebius and he cuts Moebius' head off, but then his horse trips and Vorador goes  
  
falling to the ground. Then Moebius' head rolls onto Vorador's neck and Moebius gets  
  
revived-in other words, Moebius' head is on Vorador's neck)  
  
Moebius: (with his head attached to Vorador's neck) How am I alive? Huh, I know now!  
  
I know why Vorador lived even without a head! Vorador has the ancient Neck of  
  
Darkness! (so you can now imagine Moebius' head plastered on Vorador's neck)  
  
Vorador's head: Give me my body back!  
  
Moebius: Hahahaha!  
  
(so, since there's nothing but chaos in the court room now, Moebius takes this  
  
opportunity to run over to Kain)  
  
Kain: Moebius, why do you have Vorador's body on?  
  
(then Moebius shocks Kain unconscious with a tazer. Then Moebius carries Kain and  
  
runs out of the court, using Vorador's superior vampire speed, and the lieutenants see  
  
this)  
  
Raziel: Oh crap! Come on guys let's catch him!  
  
Zephon: A chase scene! Yay, these are so fun!  
  
(then the lieutenants ran outside and could barely see how far Moebius ran)  
  
Zephon: Let's hop in the limo and chase him down!  
  
Raziel: No! Limo's too slow!  
  
Zephon: How about my Beetle? It's green!  
  
Raziel: No! Cars are too slow! We'll need something faster!  
  
Zephon: Like what?  
  
(Raziel looks around and spots something that he thinks is faster)  
  
Raziel: Like those horses over there!  
  
(then the lieutenants ran over to the horses)  
  
Raziel: You first Zephon.  
  
Zephon: Where's the door?  
  
Rahab: Zephon has never ridden on a horse before. Zephon has no fear.  
  
Raziel: There isn't one.  
  
(then Zephon hops on the horse)  
  
Zephon: I think my horse is broken!  
  
Raziel: Why?  
  
Zephon: The steering wheel is missing!  
  
Raziel: There isn't a steering wheel!  
  
Zephon: Then how do you steer the damn thing! I also can't find any wires to hot-wire  
  
this thing. Can't find an engine either!  
  
Raziel: There isn't an engine!  
  
Zephon: Then how do you get it to go? (then Zephon gets a really bad idea) Hey, let's  
  
hit it and see what happens!  
  
(then Zephon hits the horse hard and the horse runs so fast that Zephon falls off it very  
  
shortly after)  
  
Dumah: Um, maybe y'all should just chase after him on foot.  
  
Raziel: What about you?  
  
Dumah: Hey, I'm glad this is happening.  
  
Raziel: Who's all coming with me besides Zephon?  
  
Turel: I will! I'll meet you on the other side of town! (then Turel runs off)  
  
Rahab: What is he planning? Anyway, I can't cause I gotta stay here and beat the crap  
  
out of Dumah for being an asshole, Melchiah can't because he'll fall apart to soon, and  
  
Janos can't because he's trying to stop the chaos in the court room.  
  
Raziel: Fine! Come Zephon!  
  
(so then Raziel and Zephon chase after Moebius and sees Moebius behind a vehicle  
  
down an alley. The vehicle is parked as a roadblock and Raziel jumps over the vehicle)  
  
Raziel: Ha, found you! (then he notices he can't find Moebius)  
  
Moebius: (taps Raziel on the shoulder, making Raziel face him) Hello! (then Moebius  
  
zaps Raziel with the tazer and doesn't stop till Raziel spins a few times and falls on the  
  
ground) Weak!  
  
(then Moebius turns to run down the alleyway, but Zephon was right in front of him  
  
because Zephon had ran up a wall of the alleyway and Zephon took this moment of  
  
surprise and Zephon snatched the tazer)  
  
Zephon: Ha! I got the tazer now, bitch! I've always wanted to sat that to you.  
  
Moebius: Here's what I'll do. (then Moebius knocks Zephon upside the head with  
  
Moebius' staff, making Zephon temporarily stunned, which Moebius takes this  
  
opportunity to steal back to tazer and run down the alleyway)  
  
Raziel: (getting up) Gaffaga gafaganaga!  
  
Zephon: Moebius hit me with a stick!  
  
Raziel: Gashagganaga!  
  
Zephon: I think he tazed you too hard, you're not making sense.  
  
(then they chase after Moebius again and they see that Moebius got to a dead end.  
  
They could also see that Moebius was also carrying Kain)  
  
Raziel: Ha Moebius, we've got you now!  
  
Moebius: Not quite.  
  
(then Moebius used Vorador's superior abilities and jumped to the roof of the building  
  
to his right)  
  
Raziel: Well, son of a bitch.  
  
(then Zephon simply climbed up the wall)  
  
Raziel: There are no lines here, so I can't climb up the wall!  
  
(then Raziel just hopped on whatever he could find till he got to the roof. When they  
  
were both on the room, they could see that a tram leading to the Eternal Prison has  
  
arrived and that Moebius was on it. Then the tram left)  
  
Raziel: Dammit, we're too late!  
  
Zephon: Not yet. Not when you can do whatever a Zephon can do!  
  
(then Zephon, being the idiot that he is, ran to the end of the roof and jumped off it,  
  
hoping he could shoot a web to stick to the tram like Spiderman would do.  
  
Unfortunately, Zephon can't quite do that)  
  
Zephon: (while in mid-air) Aw man! (then Zephon fell)  
  
Raziel: (watching Zephon fall) Why couldn't I even stop Moebius!  
  
(then a large tank appears behind him)  
  
Raziel: What the...?  
  
(then Turel climbed out of the top of the tank)  
  
Turel: Am I too late?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Vorador's head: (from inside the tank) And I'm glad about it! You would've shot MY  
  
body!  
  
Turel: Yeah, I know. Kill Moebius and destroy Vorador's body. That's like killing to  
  
people with one fang.  
  
Raziel: Know he's off to the Eternal Prison!  
  
Turel: Yay!  
  
(then Turel and Raziel get into the tank and start moving forward)  
  
Raziel: (in the tank) Turel?  
  
Turel: (in the tank) Yes?  
  
Raziel: (in the tank) How the hell did you get a tank on the top of a building anyway?  
  
Turel: (in the tank) Just did. Heck, I can't even see where we're going now.  
  
(then they accidentally drive the tank off the building)  
  
Raziel: (inside the broken tank) Ow...  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
Well, that was the first chapter of my original work. I have now answered the most perplexing question since Blood Omen 2. Why Vorador's alive. It's because Vorador has a Neck of Darkness. Too bad I just made that up. So, send me a review and tell me what you think. So who do you think set up Kain? All shall be revealed eventually. 


	2. The Great Escape

Disclaimer: Don't own LoK or its characters  
  
____________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
[The scene is the inside of a cell in the Eternal Prison, and Kain is inside the  
  
cell, playing with a paddle-ball thingy]  
  
Kain: (while desperately trying to get the ball to hit the paddle) I hate this thing! I could  
  
never get these things to work right!  
  
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.  
  
Kain: Clearly this is not working. Speak E-N-G-L-I-S-H.  
  
Warden 1: Grrnnrrkkrrlprrlrr.  
  
Kain: (sighs) Why?  
  
Warden 1: Grrnnssrrdystrrrhhrrkkrr.  
  
Kain: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!  
  
Warden 1: Grrnnrrhhrrffrrjjrrkrkrrkrr.  
  
Kain: (very PO'ed) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!  
  
Warden 1: (laughs hard)  
  
Kain: YOU'RE TRYING TO PISS ME OFF, AREN'T YOU!  
  
Warden 1: Grraarrssrrddrrvvrr.  
  
Kain: I hate you. Besides, I need a new paddleball. This one is so obviously broke.  
  
Warden 1: (while pointing his finger at Kain then in all other sorts of directions)  
  
Grraararrrfjjrr.  
  
Kain: (sighs) I see we'll have to do this in charades.  
  
Warden 1: Grrttrriirrnnrrpprr?  
  
Kain: What are you saying?  
  
(then Warden 1 points at Kain)  
  
Kain: You? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Me? (Warden 1 nods his head) So far we've  
  
gotten the word "Kain", am I right?  
  
(Warden 1 nods then prisses around)  
  
Kain: Pansy? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Dancing? (Warden 1 shakes his head then  
  
decides to priss holding his hand out flat) Gay? (Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the  
  
following words, "Kain gay." (then Kain thinks hard) I'm not gay, you bastard!  
  
Warden 1: Grrnnrrvvrrbbrroorr.  
  
Kain: I so very much hate you.  
  
[10 hours later]  
  
Kain: (still playing charades with Warden 1) So this is the torture you put people  
  
through. I never should have gone back to Meridian; I knew something bad would  
  
happen.  
  
Warden 1: (mimes riding on a horse)  
  
Kain: Horse? (then Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the words "Kain, you stupid vile  
  
evil gay pansy who got locked in here because you were to stupid and weak to even  
  
ride a horse." In that case, I hate you.  
  
Warden 1: Grrhhrryyrruurroirriorr.  
  
Kain: Am I gonna spend eternity in this hellhole?  
  
Warden 1: (nods)  
  
Kain: (sighs) When I eventually escape from here I'm going to hunt you down and  
  
insert a trombone into you. (then Kain tries possessing Warden 1) I still don't  
  
understand why I can't possess you; your mind can't be that strong.  
  
Warden 1: (knocks on his head)  
  
Kain: Ah, you have no mind. (Warden 1 nods) You utter idiot.  
  
[Then the scene switches to inside of Turel's tank and it's working]  
  
Raziel: (sitting at the cannon) So, Turel, where did you find this tank?  
  
Turel: Inheritance.  
  
Raziel: Why would Kain give you a tank?  
  
Turel: Not him. It was sent to me from someone I knew a LONG time ago, when I was  
  
still a sarafan.  
  
Raziel: What was the name of the person who sent it to you?  
  
Turel: Bast Ard.  
  
Zephon: Yes?  
  
Turel: No, that was the man's name. Bast Ard.  
  
Dumah: Are we gonna get moving or what?  
  
Melchiah: Why do you care?  
  
Dumah: I don't. I wanna see if I can bribe the Warden to strip search Kain then shoot  
  
Kain with a fire hose!  
  
Rahab: Technically, in case anyone cares, this tank was made back 20 years ago, when  
  
it was used for-  
  
Zephon: Ah who cares! Let's blow stuff up!  
  
Raziel: But we've gotta go save Kain.  
  
Turel: We need to make a plan.  
  
Dumah: I know! We go in there screaming and yelling and if a Warden gets in my way,  
  
I'll rip his nipples off!  
  
Rahab: Technically, Wardens are whats-its.  
  
Zephon: Whats-its?  
  
Rahab: That's what we call things that we don't know what they are.  
  
Dumah: Let's go kick some whats-its ass! Yahoo, go Turel, we will sort out a plan when  
  
we get there!  
  
(then Turel drives the tank but soon realizes he still doesn't have a window and doesn't  
  
know where the hell they are)  
  
Turel: Someone's gonna have to go out and look around.  
  
Melchiah: I will do this brave deed.  
  
Zephon: Your head will fall off!  
  
Dumah: I'll do it! Just follow my lead Turel and Razzygirl.  
  
(then Dumah climbes on top of the tank)  
  
Raziel: Okay, calling me Razzyboy is one thing, but calling me Razzygirl is another.  
  
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Well, we're not sure what you are anymore, so would  
  
you prefer Razzywhats-it?  
  
Raziel: I hate you Dumah.  
  
(so Dumah kept them at the right direction and they were soon at the front gates of the  
  
Eternal Prison. Oh, and don't ask me how the tank got over all the gaps, cause I don't  
  
know)  
  
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Keep on going. (sees they're inches from the door)  
  
Raziel: Do I stop now?  
  
Dumah: Keep on going. (evil grin) Go faster!  
  
(then the tank rams through the doors, catching the attention of 100 Wardens)  
  
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Fire, quickly!  
  
Turel: Dumah, you constipated monkey anus, you were supposed to tell us when we  
  
were outside the Eternal Prison!  
  
Dumah: (lowering back into the tank) Well, we're inside now so you might as well fire.  
  
(then the 100 Wardens overpowered the tank)  
  
Turel: I feel really stupid being overpowered in a tank.  
  
(then they push the tank upside-down)  
  
Raziel: (sighs) Now we're stuck. Good going Dumah!  
  
Dumah: You're welcome!  
  
Zephon: I know how to solve this problem! We'll have to wait until nightfall!  
  
Dumah: And do what?  
  
Zephon: Since everyone will be asleep, we crawl through the cannon to the outside!  
  
Turel: Zephon, that's a good idea for a change.  
  
Zephon: Yes, I'm good aren't I?  
  
(so then it's now nightfall)  
  
Zephon: I forgot my brilliant plan.  
  
Dumah: You idiot!  
  
Rahab: Yeah, now what?  
  
Raziel: Well, it must've been a crappy plan.  
  
Zephon: I have a brilliant idea! We stay here until the morning, then we scream and  
  
when the Wardens check it out, we can tell them a snake bit us!  
  
Dumah: I have come up with a non-crappy plan, unlike Zephon's. My plan is that we  
  
crawl through the cannon!  
  
Melchiah: Good idea!  
  
Dumah: Zephon, you first.  
  
Zephon: Awesome.  
  
(so then Zephon's crawling through the cannon, then halfway through, Dumah gets a  
  
really mean idea)  
  
Dumah: I have a really hilarious idea.  
  
[BOOM!]  
  
Turel: If you killed him, I'm telling dad.  
  
Dumah: So? Dad hates him.  
  
Turel: Crap. You next!  
  
(then Dumah went next, along with all the other. Zephon was nowhere in sight and the  
  
Wardens were all asleep)  
  
Raziel: So now anyone can just walk in? Only total idiots wouldn't be able to get  
  
through this place at night. (then Raziel notices something) The doors are even  
  
unlocked at night! Only an idiot couldn't get in here.  
  
Moebius' voice: (from the other side of the door) Please, let me in someone!  
  
Raziel: I rest my case.  
  
(so they go forward, trying to find Kain and Zephon and Dumah repeatedly made fun of  
  
the inmates until they got to Kain's cell. Warden 1 fell asleep right in the middle of  
  
miming)  
  
Raziel: Kain, wake up!  
  
Kain: (looks up and sees them all except for Zephon, who's still missing) Right now I'm  
  
having a dream about 5 retarded ingrates.  
  
Melchiah: Daddy, I've missed you!  
  
Kain: Aw crap, it's not a dream.  
  
Turel: We are here to rescue you then you'll be free again!  
  
Dumah: Aw, I can't let that happen! (then Dumah gets right up to Warden 1's ear and  
  
decides to scream very loudly) WAKE UP IDIOT!  
  
Zephon's echoing voice: I'm awake!  
  
Warden 1: (scarred badly) GRRJJRRNNRRHHRRIIURRPPRRKKRR!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
All but Kain and Zephon: (to Dumah) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU WOKE HIM UP!  
  
Raziel: (disbelief) Dumah, I so hate you.  
  
[Now everyone's in jail, but Zephon's still missing. And they're in the same jail cell as well]  
  
Raziel: Dumah, I hate you.  
  
Kain: Dumah, I'm sorry RAZIEL had to screw up my rescue.  
  
Raziel: But Dumah did it!  
  
Kain: Don't lie Raziel.  
  
Rahab: Has anyone got a pop-tart?  
  
(they all stare at him)  
  
Rahab: What? I'm hungry.  
  
Turel: Why would anyone have a pop-tart?  
  
Rahab: I'm tired so I'm not thinking straight.  
  
Turel: (singing to himself) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen  
  
Nobody knows but Jesus.  
  
Dumah: (interrupting him) If you manage to go as far as to pull out a harmonica, I'll kill  
  
you myself.  
  
Kain: Seconded.  
  
(then they all heard someone running up to their cell and it turned out to be Zephon!  
  
And he had the keys with him! Then he locked himself into the cell with them and  
  
threw the key away)  
  
Zephon: Hi guys.  
  
(they looked at the key, then Zephon, key, Zephon, key, Zephon)  
  
Zephon: We playing some sort of game?  
  
Kain: Zephon, WHY DID YOU THROW AWAY THE KEYS AND LOCK YOURSELF IN HERE!  
  
THE LAST THING I NEED IS A TOTAL PRAT LIKE YOU LOCKING YOURSELF IN HERE  
  
WITH US!  
  
Zephon: Oh, you see I was playing "Go Fish" and I betted that if I beat the Warden  
  
then I could own this place, but if I lost, I'd have to come here and throw away the  
  
keys. I lost.  
  
Kain: (twitching his left eye in anger)  
  
Dumah: You've made his eye twitch!  
  
Zephon: Oh come on! What's wrong with this place? It looks cool!  
  
(then Zephon notices that one of the walls is rubber)  
  
Zephon: Rubber wall! (then Zephon bounces all over the rubber wall) Man, this is fun!  
  
Kain: I have figured a way out. We will use someone's HARD HEAD to knock open this  
  
cell. (then they all peered at Zephon)  
  
(well, whatever Kain says goes and that's why they're now trying to ram open the cell  
  
with Raziel's fragile head)  
  
Kain: (while ramming Raziel) Maybe this isn't working.  
  
Raziel: (ram!) That's what I've (ram!) been saying this (ram!) whole time! (ram!) Has  
  
anyone got some aspirin?  
  
Kain: Put him down. (they do so) That was fun.  
  
Raziel: I should hate you so much right now.  
  
Rahab: Well, this isn't working well.  
  
Melchiah: He's right! We need a harder head.  
  
(they all stare at Rahab. So then, by Kain's command, they were smashing Raziel's  
  
head into the cell again)  
  
Kain: (sighs)  
  
Rahab: This isn't working.  
  
(they put Raziel down)  
  
Kain: Are you sure this isn't working?  
  
Raziel: YES!  
  
Zephon: Hey guys, this is fun! (Zephon bounces on the wall) I love this place!  
  
Kain: I guess we just sit here and wait till whenever we can find a way out.  
  
(so they all sat and were very miserable until they all fell asleep)  
  
Dumah: (snoring incredibly loud) KKKKKKKKKKKKKKACKKKKKK! WHEW! KKKKKKKACK!  
  
Raziel: (waken up by the snores) I hate you Dumah.  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I love you Raziel.  
  
Raziel: O_O  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Raziel, the only reason I'm mean to you is because I care about  
  
you. You're like the cream filling of a chocolate covered cream filled doughnut.  
  
Raziel: O_O  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Let's abandon Kain and run away together.  
  
Raziel: (his jaw drops...well, I guess that can't happen, eh?)  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Don't touch me there Raziel, I'm not ready yet.  
  
(Raziel faints. Then the next morning everyone is awoken by Warden 1 splashing water  
  
in their faces)  
  
Lieutenants and Kain: IT BURNS!  
  
Warden 1: Grrnnrrllrrjjrroorrpprr.  
  
Kain: I so hate Warden 1.  
  
Dumah: (yawning) What a nice dream.  
  
Raziel: (nervous) What was it about?  
  
Dumah: (trying to think of a good story) I was trapped on Gilligan's Island and  
  
everyone tasted so good. Especially that fat guy, he must be sneaking in food onto that  
  
island, because coconuts can't give you that much weight.  
  
Rahab: (whiney voice) I'm hungry.  
  
Zephon: (reaching into his pocket to see if he has anything to eat, then feels  
  
something) Hey, what's this? (Zephon pulls out a key) Oh yeah, I forgot all about this  
  
spare key! I had it in case I lost the other one and if we needed to get out because of  
  
an emergency!  
  
(they all glare evil glares at him)  
  
Zephon: What? This key's only for emergencies.  
  
Kain: (PO'ed) Don't you think this is an emergency?  
  
Zephon: I guess.  
  
(then everyone beats up Zephon, uses the key, and sneaks around the Eternal Prison)  
  
Kain: (sneaking behind some pillars) Pillars are everywhere, huh?  
  
Dumah: (quietly to himself) Aw man, if Kain escapes then I won't be able to rule  
  
Nosgoth! I must stop him.  
  
Kain: (seeing the doors out of Eternal Prison) Look, there's the doors!  
  
Dumah: (screaming) YES, THOSE ARE THE DOORS. WITH THOSE KAIN, YES THE  
  
ESCAPED PRIOSNER KAIN, CAN ESCAPE! I HOPE THE WARDENS DON'T FIND OUT OR  
  
WE MAY ESCAPE!  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) Stop screaming Raziel! Do you want us caught!?  
  
Raziel: (PO'ed) But it wasn't me!  
  
Dumah: OH NO, WE ARE ESCAPING NOW!  
  
(then a few Wardens looked up and saw them moving toward the door while Turel was  
  
beating up Dumah. The Wardens watched as the lieutenants and Kain escaped)  
  
Warden 2: Grrnnrrffrrddrroorr. [Translation: Were they heading to the doors?]  
  
Warden 3: Grrbbrrffrr. [Translation: Yes. But that couldn't have been them, Warden 1  
  
would never let us down.]  
  
(then Warden 1 walked in)  
  
Warden 1: Grrvvrrddrrqqrrwwrr. [Translation: Have you seen my prisoners, they've  
  
escaped.]  
  
Warden 3: Grrnnrrggrrffrrkkrr. [Translation: Damn, I hate you so much Warden 1.]  
  
[The lieutenants and Kain were now outside looking for a way out. Rahab spotted a big  
  
ship that they could use]  
  
Rahab: Hey, let's use that ship!  
  
(then they all climbed into the ship and sailed away. Soon, they were lost)  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) Dumah, I would like to say, thank you for rescuing me. I almost like  
  
you son.  
  
Dumah: I like you too father.  
  
Raziel: What about me! I led the escape!  
  
Kain: You just repeatedly almost got us caught ingrate!  
  
Turel: Hey Rahab, what's this ship called?  
  
Rahab: (reading the name of the boat) The S.S. Minnow.  
  
Dumah: (kinda scared) What?  
  
Rahan: Relax, it's not an omen.  
  
Dumah: I hope you're right.  
  
Zephon: Now we sail back to the Pillars.  
  
Turel: Where are we?  
  
Rahab: I don't know. We're lost.  
  
(then there was a loud explosion. Everyone looked behind them and saw a ship led by  
  
Moebius, still with Vorador's body, leading the assault ship)  
  
Kain: Oh crap. Hey, whatever happened to Vorador's head?  
  
Turel: Yeah, wasn't it in the tank?  
  
(then the ship got shot and the back half of the ship blown off. Water slashed all over  
  
them)  
  
Zephon: Rahab?  
  
Rahab: Yes?  
  
Zephon: The ship's sinking. They're firing.  
  
Kain: Yes, thank you. If they shoot me, I'm sure you'll point it out.  
  
(then the next blast hit Kain)  
  
Kain: AHH, MOTHER FU-  
  
Zephon: Kain, you've been shot!  
  
Kain: No sh** Sherlock!  
  
(then Kain starts strangling Zephon, then the hole ship gets blown up, except for the  
  
lifeboats. Everyone immediately tries to fall into the lifeboats that were conveniently  
  
waiting beside the ship. Zephon, Kain, and Rahab landed in one boat, Dumah and  
  
Raziel in another, and Melchiah and Turel in the last. Moebius drove away, thinking he  
  
had killed them. They all got separated and all still headed torward the island)  
  
Kain: (PO'ed)  
  
Rahab: (in the middle rowing the boat)  
  
Zephon: Let's sing some songs to calm us down.  
  
Kain: (wanting to take out his soul reaver, but found it missing) Oh crap, they must still  
  
have it at the Eternal Prison.  
  
Rahab: This is good exercise!  
  
Zephon: Ooh, lemme try!  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) I'm stuck here with Super Nerd and his sidekick Dumbass Boy.  
  
Zephon: Hey, hey, hey! That is not true! I'm not the sidekick!  
  
(then in Raziel and Dumah boat, Raziel can't row the boat and Dumah refuses to)  
  
Raziel: Why won't you row the boat!  
  
Dumah: (trying to come up with a good lie) Um...I have that disease where you fall  
  
to sleep easily. (then Dumah actually falls right to sleep. I don't see how some people  
  
can do that)  
  
Raziel: Oh great.  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Yes that is great Raziel. Yes, that's a GREAT back rub.  
  
Raziel: O_O  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) You're someone I can tell anything to. Once, when I was young,  
  
a decided to pee on an electric fence as a dare.  
  
Raziel: (shocked beyond belief)  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) It hurted at first, but then it felt good. I'm so glad I can talk to  
  
you about such things Razzyhoney.  
  
(Raziel faints. Melchiah and Turel are doing extremely well and are almost on the island  
  
when some old-ish guy teleports on their boat carrying a soul reaver)  
  
Turel: Who are you?  
  
Old guy: I'm Michael Bell and I've come to kill you Turel.  
  
Turel: Why me?  
  
Michael Bell: You threw Raziel into the abyss.  
  
Melchiah: This is not gonna be good.  
  
Turel: What's up with you and Raziel?  
  
Michael Bell: I'm his One-Winged Angel.  
  
Turel: Um...  
  
Michael Bell: Die! (then Michael Bell poked a hole in the boat with the soul reaver then  
  
he disappeared)  
  
Melchiah: Oh crap.  
  
Turel: We're gonna have to jump!  
  
Melchiah: Serious?  
  
Turel: (worried tone) Yes.  
  
(then they both jump and actually land on the island)  
  
Turel: Okay, who's that Michael Bell and why's he so pissed at me?  
  
Melchiah: And is it just me or does he sound EXACTLY like Raziel?  
  
Turel: Yeah, he does doesn't he? I wonder why?  
  
(back with Kain, they are getting very close to the island)  
  
Kain: (sterring with boat with Zephon's head) We're almost there.  
  
Rahab: You know, it's to bad we lost the oars when that shark attacked.  
  
Zephon: (above water) Why do I (submerged then above) have to be (submerged then  
  
above) the new oar?  
  
(then Zephon's head hit a rock while underwater, then solid land)  
  
Kain: Zephon, why'd you stop?  
  
Zephon: (climbing onto the boat) First of all, you messed up my hair. Second of all,  
  
we've reached land.  
  
Kain: Land! HAHA!  
  
Zephon: I hope they have a blow dryer here, because it's either a blow dryer of gel.  
  
And gel is kind of cold.  
  
Rahab: Let's go!  
  
(then, as Kain tried to step out, natives aimed their spears at Kain)  
  
Kain: Whoa, what's going on here?  
  
Native 1: Grrbbrrddrrwwrrssrr.  
  
Kain: OH GOD NO!!! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!  
  
Rahab: These guys must used to have been Wardens.  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) YOU THINK? I HATE THESE GUYS!  
  
Native 2: (to Native 1) Grrbbrrvvrrhhrruurryyrr. [Translation: Hey, let's smash these  
  
guys head open with a rock and then eat them.]  
  
Native 1: Grrssbbrrnnrkkrjjhrr. [Translation: Nah, let's cut them up, one by one.]  
  
Native 2: Grraaffrrnnrrjjkrrkrkrr. [Translation: Yummy.]  
  
Kain: Rehab, what the hell are they saying?  
  
Rahab: Don't look at me.  
  
Kain: Well Rehab, since you're a major nerd I thought you'd know what they were  
  
saying.  
  
Native 1: Grreennrrmrkjrjkrr-GRRJJRRJRJRR! [Translation: I say we eat them and  
  
squish their liver and-LOOK AT HIM! IT'S THE SAVIOUR!]  
  
(Native 1 and 2 pointed at Zephon)  
  
Native 2: Grrsstrrnnrjrhryrr. [Translation: Is that the ancient spider that will some day  
  
save us all! It is!]  
  
Native 1: Grrnnr? Grrkkrjhrjurirr. [Translation: Really? I thought it was Spiderman.]  
  
Native 2: (to Zephon) (broken English) What...you...name?  
  
Zephon: Zephon.  
  
Kain: His name is Dumbass Boy.  
  
Native 2: Come...us...with.  
  
Kain: I can tell now that I'm going to hate this place.  
  
(then they all wandered into the island. Meanwhile, Raziel and Dumah's boat is nearing  
  
land and Raziel is conscious again)  
  
Raziel: Almost at land.  
  
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I say you and me go and ASSASSINATE KAIN! MWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Raziel: I should wake him. (then Raziel gets a good idea) Time to wake up!  
  
(so Raziel chose to wake Dumah up by pushing Dumah off the boat-just to land in the  
  
sand because they were already on land)  
  
Raziel: Damn it!  
  
Dumah: (waking up) Hey, we're on land! Yay!  
  
Raziel: Come on, let's go see if we can find the others.  
  
(then they were both wandering through a forest on the island, when Raziel saw  
  
someone throw a spear at Dumah, hitting Dumah's leg. Then he saw that the person  
  
that did it was some strange old guy with a reaver and Raziel watched him disappear)  
  
Dumah: (holding his leg with the spear in it) OH FRICKIN' OUCH MAN!  
  
Raziel: (grinning) Um...  
  
(then the old man with the soul reaver reappeared on a tree and threw another spear  
  
into Dumah's other leg)  
  
Dumah: OH OUCH!!! (to his left leg) OW!! (to his right leg) OW!! (to his left leg) OW!!  
  
(to his right leg) OW!! (to Raziel) OW!!  
  
Raziel: (laughing) What's going on here?  
  
(then the old man with the soul reaver threw a spear into Dumah's left arm)  
  
Dumah: OW FRICK IT! THIS IS TOO MUCH!  
  
(then he threw a spear into Dumah's right arm and hopped down to Raziel)  
  
Dumah: OH FRICKIN' OUCHIES!  
  
Raziel: (seeing old man) Um, thanks Bell.  
  
Michael Bell: He threw you into the abyss. I shall take him to the Promised Land!  
  
Raziel: No, don't kill him! You can leave now.  
  
Michael Bell: Be free! (then Michael Bell disappears)  
  
Dumah: (while prancing around in pain) OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!  
  
Raziel: Come on, let's go find the others.  
  
(Turel and Melchiah were still wandering around bored, so let's go to Zephon and the  
  
others. Zephon was on a throne the natives had built. Rahab and Kain were nowhere  
  
to be seen)  
  
Zephon: Were are the other two?  
  
Native 3: Here...the...are.  
  
(Rahab and Kain were led out by Natives 2 and 4)  
  
Kain: I feel like a slab of meat.  
  
Zephon: Do you know who they are!?  
  
Native 2: Yes. (pointing at Rahab) Fish and (pointing at Kain) Chips.  
  
Zephon: Fish and Chips?  
  
Native 4: Yeah.  
  
Zephon: Um...free Fish. You can do what you like with Chips, as long as you don't  
  
kill him.  
  
Kain: Zephon, you smug SOB.  
  
Zephon: (to Native 3) Anyone else?  
  
Native 3: Let...introduce...Holy Rolly Head!  
  
(so Native 3 brought out Vorador's head on a silver platter)  
  
Zephon: Vorador!  
  
Vorador's head: Yes Zephon?  
  
Zephon: How'd you get here?  
  
Vorador's head: When the tank got tipped over, I got rolled out of it and conveniently  
  
landed on a conveniently placed lifeboat. Then I got sailed to over here.  
  
Rahab: Thanks for saving me.  
  
Zephon: I understand them calling you Fish, but calling Kain Chips?  
  
Rahab: I don't know.  
  
(then Turel and Melchiah wandered in and the Natives saw them)  
  
Native 2: (pointing at Melchiah) Meat and (pointing at Turel) Margaret Thatcher!  
  
Zephon: What!?  
  
(then Raziel and Dumah wandered in, Dumah still in pain)  
  
Native 4: (pointing at Raziel) Godzilla and (pointing at Dumah) Megalon the ugly  
  
cockroach thing!  
  
Native 3: They all die!  
  
Zephon: Wait!  
  
Turel: Okay people, shut up! I think I can explain this! (then, in his singing voice)  
  
Ahem, now sit back here and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started at  
  
the Eternal Prison aboard this tiny ship, aboard this tiny ship! The weather started  
  
getting good and a ship shot us and thee-eeen we weren't able to save the Minnow,  
  
which then got lost. And now we're stranded here on this enchanted desert isle, with  
  
Zephon, Kain too, Dumah, at his bro! (pointing at Melchiah) The ego maniac, (pointing  
  
at Raziel) Rahab and I, are stranded on this isle!  
  
Native 4: Wow.  
  
Turel: Thank you. I think that sorted everything out.  
  
Native 2: So is Chips innocent?  
  
Zephon: Well, ye-  
  
Dumah: No!  
  
Zephon: Shut up Megalon!  
  
Kain: I'm innocent!  
  
Turel: You've said that before!  
  
Kain: Shut up Margaret Thatcher! (then Kain gets an idea) Hey Natives! I can do magic!  
  
If I do magic, can I rule all!  
  
Native 4: Sure.  
  
Raziel: Oh crap.  
  
Dumah: Someone get these spears off of me!  
  
Kain: Immolate!  
  
(so Kain Immolated Raziel)  
  
All Natives: WOW! Not even Zephon did that!  
  
Kain: Zephon's a false god!  
  
Natives: BOO!!  
  
Zephon: I really hate Kain.  
  
Natives: Chips is the new god! Hoorah!  
  
Kain: Hoorah!  
  
Lieutenants: Eep!  
  
Kain: This is gonna be fun...  
  
________________________________________________  
  
Soory, this took so long, it was a combo of laziness and writers' block. Well, I hope you liked this chapter, review, and in the next chapter, they escape from the island! 


	3. Mabes

Disclaimer: Don't own LoK or its characters and never will. With the exception of  
  
Mabes. I do own her. But I don't own any of the others.  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
[The scene is still the island from the last chapter. Now all the Natives  
  
worship Kain, whom they think is called Chips. The others now all serve  
  
Chips.]  
  
Kain: Native 1, bring me a T.V.  
  
Native: Grrbbrrffrrddrr. (then Native 1 goes and fetches a T.V.)  
  
Kain: I hate these people.  
  
(then Raziel and Zephon and Rahab come up)  
  
Kain: It's Fish and Zephon and whoever the hell you are!  
  
Raziel: I'm Raziel!  
  
Kain: Oh boo hoo, I forgot your name. You're so whiny.  
  
Raziel: Let me at him!  
  
(then Native 1 fetches a T.V. made solely out of coconuts and tree roots and turns it  
  
on. Moebius, head still attached to Vorador's body, is on)  
  
Moebius: And we are now after Kain. He is guilty of murder, grand theft, and  
  
vandalism! (then someone whispers to Moebius) Excuse me, he's only guilty of murder.  
  
I was thinking of someone else. (then someone throws a shoe a Moebius' head)  
  
Kain: (seeing the three lieutenants have a wicked grin) Oh, no you bastards don't.  
  
Native 1: Grrjkjrr?  
  
Raziel: We won't tell anyone KAIN! No one will find out KAIN! Your secret's safe with all  
  
of us KAIN!  
  
Rahab: No one will find of KAIN!!! Native 1 will never figure out you're KAIN KIAN!  
  
Zephon: Yeah, no one will ever find out CHIPS!  
  
Rahab: You don't understand Zephon, we're trying to get Kain caught.  
  
Zephon: Oh. Sorry. Sorry CHIPS! I didn't mean to call you CHIPS! Sorry Kain, I meant  
  
to call you CHIPS but I was wrong!  
  
Raziel: (annoyed sigh)  
  
Native 1: (to Kain) You...Kain!?  
  
Kain: (panicked) No, he's Kain! (pointing at Raziel)  
  
Raziel: What!? No I'm not you son of a bi-(then Native 1 knocked out Raziel)  
  
Native 1: Caught...Kain! Sorry...Chips.  
  
Kain: It's alright!  
  
Rahab: You lying old vampire. Tell them the truth!  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Rahab: Cause it's the right thing to do.  
  
Kain: Damn it Rehab, you sound like you came from Full House!  
  
Rahab: I hate you!  
  
Zephon: Yeah Chips!  
  
Kain: I'm seriously getting tired of you Zephon!  
  
(then Raziel was back)  
  
Kain: What are you doing here?  
  
Raziel: I escaped. Die! (then Raziel got out his reaver)  
  
Kain: Since when did you have that?  
  
Raziel: I forgot completely about it! I'm going to hate myself for a while now.  
  
Kain: Dumah, come here!  
  
Zephon: You mean Megalon!  
  
Native 1: What...happening?  
  
Rahab: Chips is really Kain.  
  
Native 1: Must get him outta here!  
  
(Dumah comes up)  
  
Kain: Dumah, kill Raziel!  
  
Zephon: It's Godzilla and Megalon!  
  
Dumah: Finally, I get to kill Raziel!  
  
Raziel: Die Dumah!  
  
(so Raziel charged at Dumah, swinging his reaver and Dumah was so big that he just  
  
held his hand to Raziel's head, easily stopping Raziel. So Raziel hit Dumah on the head  
  
with a brick. Dumah stumbled and then dodged out of the way at a split second, while  
  
Raziel swung his reaver. Kain was right behind Dumah)  
  
Raziel: (seeing what he just did) Oh sh**, I am so dead...  
  
Kain: (sees that Raziel just cut off Kain's left arm. Kain's eye twitches in anger) I loved  
  
that arm. Me and that arm did everything together. We were inseperateable. What did I  
  
just say? We were that word where you can't be separated. Or at least I thought we  
  
were.  
  
Raziel: Don't kill me...  
  
Kain: Die!  
  
(so then Kain tried to Immolate him but Zephon wasn't paying attention because he  
  
was savoring banana pudding. So Zephon accidentally got Immolated. But this wasn't  
  
normal)  
  
Melchiah: Hey guys, what's goi-(sees a pile of ash and sees everyone but Zephon)  
  
Damn! The hell?  
  
Vorador's head: (seeing all this) Oh crap.  
  
(all that was left was Zephon's left arm. And his pudding)  
  
Raziel: Do you know what you just did!  
  
Kain: Um...gave him a tan?  
  
Raziel: You have just killed him!  
  
Kain: (fascinated) You don't say...  
  
Rahab: Something real bad's gonna happen to you.  
  
(yep. No sooner did Z-F Kat come up, punched Kain in the face so hard that Kain  
  
collapsed, breaking Kain's nose. Then she just disappeared)  
  
Dumah: Who was that?  
  
Raziel: Who knows? Probably just some crazed fan-girl.  
  
Kain: Ouchies! (then Kain passes out)  
  
Raziel: I can't believe Zephon's gone now.  
  
Dumah: (has an incredibly great idea) I know a way so that we'll never forget about  
  
Zephon! I know the perfect memory thingy where you remember people! I know the  
  
perfect Zephon souvenir!  
  
(so, while Kain was passed out, Dumah took Zephon's left arm and attached it to Kain's  
  
left shoulder. Rahab made arrangements to leave. A few hours later, they were on a  
  
massive ship headed for the Pillars. Kain finally woke up)  
  
Kain: (groaning in pain) Ughh, what happened? (sees Zephon's arm attached to his left  
  
shoulder) AHH!! Why is Zephon's arm on me!?  
  
Raziel: So we'll never forget him.  
  
Kain: (then he was a weird voice) Forget who?  
  
Rahab: Zephon, you idiot!  
  
Kain: (weird voice) What'd I do now?  
  
Dumah: I think that fan-girl hit you too hard.  
  
Kain: (weird voice) When did a fan-girl hit me? The last thing I remember is Kain  
  
Immolating me while I was eating pudding! That bastard.  
  
Lieutenants plus Vorador's head: O_O  
  
Kain: (weird voice) What? Hey, where's Kain?  
  
Rahab: Zephon, is that you!?  
  
Zephon's voice: Of course, who would it be?  
  
Rahab: Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you're supposed to be dead!  
  
Zephon's voice: (in other words, it's Kain with Zephon's voice) What do you mean!?  
  
Raziel: Kain killed you! Dumah, do you know what you did!?  
  
Dumah: I think.  
  
Zephon's voice: I live on through this arm! (flexes his left arm)  
  
Melchiah: Oh...my...lord.  
  
Kain: Yes?  
  
Dumah: Go away Kain, get Zephon back out here!  
  
Kain: So that's what was going on! I'm not sharing my body with that total idiot!  
  
Zephon's voice: Don't call me an idiot, you asshole!  
  
Kain: (covering his mouth) Oh no...  
  
Raziel: See, that's what you get for killing him!  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey, I can control Kain when I'm like this! Neat-o!  
  
Kain: Get out of me!  
  
Rahab: You know, this would make no sense if we didn't know what was going on.  
  
Zephon's voice: Anyway, are we anywhere near land? How do you know where we're  
  
going anyway?  
  
Rahab: We have a map!  
  
Kain: Dammit Zephon, don't make me beat you up!  
  
Zephon's voice: Show me what you got!  
  
(so then Kain punched himself in the head)  
  
Zephon's voice: My turn!  
  
(so then Kain threw himself against a door and beat his head into it. Then Kain  
  
retaliated by tearing off a piece of wood and beating himself with it)  
  
Kain: (exhausted tone) Ha, I'm winning!  
  
(so Kain then decided that he would run headfirst into a pole, and Kain counterattacked  
  
by jumping overboard)  
  
Kain: It burns! Zephon you idiot!  
  
Zephon's voice: You're just no fun anymore!  
  
Raziel: What the hell is going on?  
  
(the Kain climbed back onboard and he body slammed himself. So then Kain got up and  
  
sucker-punched himself)  
  
Zephon's voice: Ha, now I'm winning!  
  
Kain: Not for long!  
  
(so Kain put himself in a headlock, making him retaliate by giving himself a nuggy.  
  
Well, Kain didn't like this and kicked himself in the back, making him release himself.  
  
Then Kain decided he would try to win because he found a crowbar and bashed himself  
  
on the head with it till Kain himself intervened and bashed his head into a conveniently  
  
placed watermelon. Then Kain passed out)  
  
Dumah: What the hell just happened?  
  
Raziel: I think Kain and Zephon just got into a fight.  
  
Rahab: Hey guys, we're heading off course.  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Rahab: Yeah. I can't control this thing anymore. And to make matters worse, we're  
  
heading straight for Moebius' house!  
  
Kain: (regaining consciousness) What!  
  
(soon they were feet from Moebius' house)  
  
Vorador's head: I'm gonna get my body back!  
  
Kain: Hey, we can use Vorador's head as a scout party!  
  
Zephon's voice: Good idea.  
  
Kain: Damn it Zephon, I hate you! And now I'm literally stuck with you forever!  
  
Vorador's head: You can't do this to me!  
  
(so then they sling-shotted Vorador's head into Moebius' house)  
  
Melchiah: We can hide there for a while!  
  
Kain: What do you mean 'we?'  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah, you'll have to hide Kain and Zephon. We're not wanted like Kain is.  
  
Zephon's voice: Aww, I was wanting him to know that a think he's some gay pansy  
  
momma's-boy!  
  
Dumah: Sorry.  
  
Kain: I have to be stuck here with him!  
  
Zephon's voice: What's wrong with me?  
  
Kain: Your stupidity will get us killed!  
  
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah. Well, I'll try and not get us killed. (then he looks over the  
  
boat and sees some money in the water below) MONEY!  
  
(then Kain got flown over the boat)  
  
Kain: (while falling) I really hate you Zephon.  
  
Raziel: (hearing a splash) C'mon guys, let's go.  
  
(so they enter the house and they are in the living room. Rahab spots stairs leading up)  
  
Melchiah: This place looks lame. (then Melchiah sees Moebius on his hands and knees  
  
playing with a toy truck) Oh my lord.  
  
Moebius: (looks up and sees them) What are you doing here?  
  
Raziel: Why do you still live in Vorador's body?  
  
Moebius: It's more complete than mine.  
  
Dumah: I don't want to know what that means.  
  
Moebius: (in a very whiny voice) What do you want? I playing Fireman.  
  
Dumah: Moebius is so stupid and annoying.  
  
???: (from in the kitchen) What's going on Moebius?  
  
Moebius: (hugging his teddy bear) Nothing mommy!  
  
Raziel: You're like...over 300 years old or something and you STILL live with your  
  
mommy? Okay...  
  
Moebius: My mommy bakes me cookies.  
  
Melchiah: With chocolate chips!?  
  
Moebius: Yep. She's my angel mommy.  
  
Dumah: Moebius, you are so sad and pathetic, you know that right?  
  
Moebius: Mommy, I have guests!  
  
???: Okay, I'm coming.  
  
Raziel: (to Turel) His mommy. This aught to be a laugh. Bet she's some kind of butt-  
  
ugly thing, you know?  
  
Turel: (to Raziel) Yeah, this is gonna be a laugh.  
  
(then Moebius' mom walked in. She was, in fact, the most beautiful thing they had ever  
  
seen. She had the looks of a supermodel. She had the looks to stop people in their  
  
tracks. And now they were all extra glad they were here)  
  
Moebius: It's my mommy Mabes.  
  
Raziel: I'm...(extremely nervous)...R-r-r-r-r-razispell.  
  
Mabes: Razispell?  
  
Raziel: Why did I just say that?  
  
Dumah: Don't worry ma'am, we just call him Razzyboy. Allow me to introduce myself.  
  
My name is Dumah Royale Superstar IV. You can just call me Dumah.  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Dumah: (whispering to Melchiah) You see, girls get turned on by long names that could  
  
have a royal status attached to them.  
  
Melchiah: I'm Melchiah. (he shakes her hand and his arm falls off)  
  
Dumah: (holding his laughter)  
  
Melchiah: (picks up his arm and walks away embarrassed) I need some time alone.  
  
Turel: Hey you saucy babe, Turel's the name. I have gotten awards for having the BEST  
  
voice in all of Nosgoth.  
  
Dumah: So good that he'll sing anything! How about Michael Jackson, huh? That is, if  
  
you really can sing good.  
  
Turel: (to Dumah) I hate you so badly and hope you get speared again by someone  
  
thinking you're Moby Dick.  
  
(then Turel wanders off. Dumah thinks he's got everyone, but then Rahab steps up)  
  
Dumah: (to himself) Oh no, chicks dig brainiacs like him. Time to pull out big guns.  
  
Rahab: Hello, I am-  
  
Dumah: (to Rahab) Hey Rehab!  
  
Rahab: Actually, my name is-  
  
Dumah: What'cha doin' Rehab?  
  
(then Rahab punches Dumah in the nose. Mabes jumps up and down cheering)  
  
Rahab: O__O  
  
Mabes: Yay, you beat up the bad guy!  
  
Rahab: (puches Dumah on the nose)  
  
(Mabes 'cheers' again)  
  
Rahab: I think I'm gonna like this. So you don't like mean people?  
  
Mabes: No, because THEY'RE MEAN! YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE LOVELY! WOOHOO!  
  
Melchiah: ?  
  
Raziel: She drinks a lot of caffeine doesn't she!  
  
Mabes: OH YES, I'M ADDIT-ADDIB-ADDICTED TO IT! YIPPE-YAY! (she 'cheers' again)  
  
Raziel: O__O  
  
Rahab: O__O  
  
Melchiah: O__O  
  
Dumah: Ow, my nose!  
  
Rahab: (a blue exclamation mark appears above his head) Aha, I've always wanted that  
  
to happen! Now if I can get a question mark...  
  
Mabes: Who LIKES SUGAR!?  
  
Raziel: (pulling out a bag of sugar) I have some!  
  
Dumah: Where'd you get sugar from?  
  
Mabes: (snatching the sugar) YAY! YUMMY-YUMMY!  
  
Dumah: Why do you like sugar so much?  
  
Melchiah: Cause she lives with Moebius! Something's gotta keep her going.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah! (to Mabes) Why is Moebius so anal?  
  
Mabes: (super peppy) It's cause he's just entered PUBERTY! YAY!  
  
Raziel: -_-  
  
Dumah: I could've gone my whole life not knowing that he JUST NOW entered puberty.  
  
Moebius: Mommy, only you, me, and Mr. Sunshine were supposed to know that!  
  
Melchiah: What kind of gay name is Mr. Sunshine! Who's Mr. Sunshine?  
  
Moebius: (holding up his Moebius plushie) This is Mr. Sunshine! (then Moebius runs up  
  
stairs to his room crying)  
  
Mabes: Who wants PIZZA!  
  
Melchiah: Ooh, me!  
  
Mabes: Pizza topped with CAFFEINE AND SUGAR, of course!  
  
Rahab: Exactly how much sugar have you got?  
  
Mabes: OH, OODLES AND OODLES!  
  
Raziel: Right...  
  
(just then Kain came in moon walking backwards and then switched to tap dancing to  
  
impress Mabes)  
  
Raziel: Yep, that's definitely Zephon. Only he could moon walk backwards!  
  
Zephon's voice: (though Mabes hears Zephon's voice, she thinks it's Kain's voice) Hey  
  
you sexy thing, you sexy thing you!  
  
Kain: Zephon, you stupid dip-dong!  
  
(and now, for a more weird effect, we will hear this argument the way Mabes hears it)  
  
Kain: Hey you sexy thing, you sexy thing you! Zephon, you dip-dong! Hey, watch what  
  
you're calling me, or I'll whoop you! Oh yeah? Yeah! Oh yeah? Yeah! Well I'll kill you!  
  
Ha, I'll kill you till you die! I hate sharing a body with you! Yeah, well me too! Don't  
  
make me hurt you! Hurt me! Dumbass! Cranky! I will kick your ass! Yeah, well I will  
  
kick your ass too! Though I'll literally kick your ass!  
  
(Kain literally kicks himself in the ass)  
  
Kain: Ow you constipated wafer! Yeah, well I hate you! I hate you too! Yeah, but I'm so  
  
smarter! You, smart!? Ha, you're dumb as a stump! Oh yeah? Yeah!  
  
Mabes: Am I HIGH?  
  
Kain: You're not high, Kain's just being an asshole! No I'm not! Yes you are! No I'm not!  
  
Yes you are! I hate you! I hate you too!  
  
Mabes: I'm CONFUSED! YAY!  
  
(now we'll hear things normally again)  
  
Zephon's voice: Now look what you've done! You've made her confused!  
  
Kain: Me!?  
  
Zephon's voice: Yes you! I always make perfect sense!  
  
Raziel: Okay, both of you shut up! You're gonna make her more confused.  
  
(then a door opened and out stepped Turel in black leather pants, white shirt, leather  
  
jacket that opened, 1 white glove and curly hair with make-up on)  
  
Dumah: Geheheheheheheehe!  
  
Turel: (to Mabes in a deep growling voice) Hey hot momma. Well, I said I'd play a song  
  
for you, and it's an MJ song thanks to assholeman Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Play the song 'Bad!'  
  
Mabes: I love THAT ONE! GEEHEE YAY!  
  
Turel: (after punching Dumah in the head) Um, okay.  
  
Zephon's voice: Allow me to be back-up.  
  
(and so Kain got behind Turel and assumed a disco stance)  
  
Turel: Um...right. (cue singing voice)  
  
Your butt is mine  
  
Gonna tell you right  
  
Just show your face  
  
In broad daylight  
  
I'm telling you  
  
Oh how I fell  
  
Gonna hurt your mind  
  
Don't shoot to kill  
  
Come on  
  
Lay it on me  
  
Alright...why?  
  
Zephon's voice: (picture Kain doing the backwards walk thing that MJ does)  
  
Because he's BAD he's BAD!  
  
Really really bad!  
  
Turel: You know I'm bad, I'm bad! Come on, you know!  
  
Zephon's voice: Really really bad!  
  
Turel: And Nosgoth has to answer right now  
  
Just to tell you once again  
  
Who bad...  
  
(then Turel jumped and fell to his knees putting his hand under his chin and Kain  
  
behind him was pointing his claw in the air)  
  
Kain: I dislike you Zephon.  
  
Mabes: YAY! YAY YAY YAY! GOODY GOODY! TERRIFIC! YAY AWESOMENESS!  
  
FANTABULOUS! NEAT-O FRITO! YIPPEE YAY! (then she started jumping up and down  
  
like a crazy fan girl. She was so hyper that she jumped so high that she hit the ceiling  
  
and crashed down to the ground) OUCHIES! LOOK-E BIRDIES! (then she passed out)  
  
Zephon's voice: Um, maybe we should just go to Moebius' room till she wakes up.  
  
Raziel: Not you though Zephon. You're in Kain's body so Moebius is gonna try to kill  
  
you.  
  
Zephon's voice: (feeling rejected) Okay then...I guess I'll hide outside...all alone  
  
as well...and talk to myself...all alone.  
  
Melchiah: Hey, you've got Kain with you!  
  
Zephon's voice: (brightened up) Oh yeah! Hey Kain, let's play Tag! (he hit himself) Tag,  
  
you're it!  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Why my body? Why me?  
  
(then everyone except Kain and Dumah head upstairs)  
  
Dumah: That's it. If I can't have her, they can't!  
  
Kain: What are you gonna do?  
  
Dumah: Get her drunk.  
  
Zephon's voice: Oh no! Danger Raziel! Danger! Danger! Danger Raziel!  
  
(so Razzyboy comes rushing down)  
  
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy. (sees Dumah) Dumah, get your butt in here! Don't  
  
know what you're planning.  
  
Zephon's voice: Yes, I stopped an evil villain from doing something bad! Hey, that  
  
makes me a superhero!  
  
Kain: Zephon, just shut up.  
  
(so everyone just waited in Moebius' room. Moebius had a bed with Power Rangers  
  
sheets and posters of various superheroes up on his wall. He also had a rattle, crayons,  
  
a bottle of milk, and a poster of Sting)  
  
Moebius: (admiring the poster) Some day I'm gonna be just like you Sting.  
  
Turel: You've got to learn to sing first.  
  
Moebius: I can sing just fine. (then he starts singing in a scratchy, annoyingly high-  
  
pitched voice, and he also was the type that breathed out his nose)  
  
We are the champions my friennnnnnnd  
  
And we'll keeeeeeep on fighting tiiiiiiill the eeeeeend  
  
We are the champions  
  
We are the champions  
  
No time for losers  
  
Cause we are the champions  
  
Of the world!  
  
Turel: _  
  
Moebius: What do you think?  
  
Turel: My lord, that was awful.  
  
Moebius: But I can sing!  
  
Melchiah: Man, you sung so badly that you sounded like Barbara Streisand. Or however  
  
you say or spell her last name.  
  
Moebius: Don't be mean!  
  
Raziel: Hey Moebius, is your mom, you know, available?  
  
Moebius: Yes, why?  
  
Dumah: I am gonna go out with your mom and send her to heaven and back!  
  
Raziel, Rahab, Melchiah, and Turel: Eww, you nasty bastard!  
  
Moebius: You want to go out with my mom! Ewwie! She's got cooties!  
  
Raziel: (starring at Moebius, realizing how pathetic he really is) Do you even know how  
  
you were born?  
  
Moebius: Yes. The stork!  
  
Raziel: We need to have a talk.  
  
(then they all heard a crashing sound downstairs)  
  
Dumah: What was that?  
  
Moebius: That's probably my mommy getting back up and running into things while she  
  
fixes dinner. So Raziel, how was I born then?  
  
Raziel: You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much-  
  
Dumah: That don't have to love each other.  
  
Raziel: Yes, that's true. Anyway, they wanna get close to each other, then...(so  
  
Raziel whispers the rest into Moebius' ear)  
  
Moebius: Eww! That sounds gross and icky!  
  
Rahab: Trust me, it's more fun than it looks and sounds.  
  
All 4: (to Rahab) O__O  
  
Dumah: How would he know! He's a geek!  
  
Rahab: It's not all looks, ya know. Personality counts.  
  
Dumah: No it doesn't! It's all about the looks! That's why I'm gonna be the one to go  
  
out with her! Haha!  
  
Raziel: You are so dumb.  
  
Mabes: (from downstairs) Supper's READY! SUGAR! SUGAR IS MY FRIEND!  
  
Melchiah: Should I bring some tazers in case we need to calm her down?  
  
Moebius: Yay! Supper! I hope it's that dinosaur ravioli where each piece is shaped like a  
  
dinosaur. I wanna be a dino! Specially the Tyrano Rex. (then Moebius imitates a T. Rex  
  
as he walks downstairs)  
  
Turel: Something is seriously wrong with that man.  
  
Raziel: Let's go.  
  
(they all go except Turel)  
  
Turel: (stealing the Sting poster) I think I'll just keep this. (and he's about to walk  
  
downstairs when he sees a Spiderman poster) Zephon'll want that. (so Turel steals a  
  
Spiderman poster and goes downstairs)  
  
(and so Turel meets the others at the table and Mabes is hopping around as weird and  
  
sugar-high as usual, when Kain sticks his head in a window behind Moebius)  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey guys, I found something!  
  
Moebius: Aaaa! What's that?  
  
Raziel: Um, nothing.  
  
Zephon's voice: I found a "magazine", if you know what I mean...  
  
Moebius: thinking Oh no, they've found my "magazine." If mommy finds out then  
  
I'm in trouble. She'll think I look at the pictures, but that's gross! I just read the  
  
articles!  
  
(Raziel goes to the window)  
  
Raziel: Hehe, Moebius probably just reads the articles. He hasn't gotten to the "I like  
  
girls" stage of his life yet.  
  
Zephon's voice: Eww! Something's wrong with him! Hey, there's something you need to  
  
read about in here Raziel.  
  
Raziel: (reading the page aloud) "Want a woman to fall instantly in love with you? Well,  
  
here's how! You can either read the 101 guaranteed pick-up lines or our hypnotizing  
  
guide."  
  
Zephon's voice: What do you think?  
  
Raziel: 101 pick-up lines!? Awesome!  
  
Kain: Razzyboy, you can never get the girl. Look at how scrawny you are! You can  
  
literally see your ribs you're so scrawny!  
  
Raziel: Nah-ah! (then Raziel sees his ribs) Aw crap, you're right.  
  
Zephon's voice: Then hypnotize her!  
  
Raziel: Awesome!  
  
Kain: HEY MABES, RAZIEL'S GONNA TRY TO HYPNOTIZE YOU INTO GOING OUT WITH  
  
HIM! JUST THOUGHT I'D WARN YOU!  
  
Raziel: You son of a...  
  
Zephon's voice: Don't worry. I've got this.  
  
(then Kain punches himself hard in the head)  
  
Mabes: (all excited) Yay, HYPNOTIZE! HYPNOTIZE ME INTO MARRYING SUGAR! THEN  
  
ME AND A BLOCK OF SUGAR CAN HAVE KIDS! I'M SO EXCITED (then she started  
  
'cheering' again and was, of course, hyper) That means ME AND SUGAR WILL BE ABLE  
  
TO DO STUFF! I CAN WALK AROUND THE BLOCK WITH A PIECE OF SUGAR! YAY!  
  
Dumah: ?  
  
Turel: I don't know how to feel about her anymore.  
  
Melchiah: Whatever happened to our food?  
  
Mabes: WAIT! I can't marry a block of sugar BECAUSE I'M SEEING SOMEONE! YIPPEE  
  
YAY! GEHEHEE!  
  
Lieutenants: What!?  
  
Dumah: So I've been screwing by brothers over for absolutely no reason!? Hey, this  
  
feels nice.  
  
Moebius: Who mommy?  
  
(then Mabes opened a cookie jar with Vorador's head in it)  
  
Vorador's head: Make him give me back my body!  
  
Mabes: Meet my lover, Vorador's head!  
  
Moebius: (whiny voice) But mommmmmmyyyyy, he my enemyyyyyyy.  
  
Vorador's head: Look, I'll just be satisfied if Moebius gives me back my body. His  
  
wrinkly skin on my green neck! That's not natural.  
  
Mabes: Give him back his body.  
  
Moebius: Okay mommy. Well, mommy knows best.  
  
Mabes: YAY!  
  
(she starts hopping up and down with the jar with Vorador's head in it till she  
  
accidentally throws it out the window making it hit Kain's head)  
  
Kain: (from outside) Ow! Vorador, you bastard.  
  
Vorador's head: (also from outside) I'm sorry. No, don't hurt me. Ahh!!  
  
Raziel: Kain, what happened?  
  
Kain: I played soccer with his head!  
  
Raziel: Why do you play soccer with everything! Now we're gonna have to leave thanks  
  
to you!  
  
Mabes: (while stuffing sugar cubes in her mouth) SUGAR IS MY FRIEND!  
  
Raziel: Sorry babe, but we've gotta go! See ya!  
  
(then they all run out to find Vorador's head except for Melchiah)  
  
Melchiah: What happened to supper?  
  
(then he left too)  
  
Mabes: Who were THEY!? SUGAR, YUMMY!  
  
Moebius: Oh nobody.  
  
Mabes: C'mon Moebius, let's go give you a sponge bath.  
  
Moebius: Yippee yay!  
  
Mabes: (hyper) YIPPEE YAY!  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
Don't worry, Zephon will be revived, probably some time soon, but I did like the idea of  
  
Zephon being able to control Kain's body whenever he wants, and that way he could  
  
make Kain look stupid. Well, hope you like and, or course, review. 


	4. More Lieutenants? No!

Disclaimer: Don't own LoK blah blah blah.  
  
___________________________________________________  
  
[The scene is a big boat or ship or whatever you wanna call it and the  
  
lieutenants are searching the swamps for Vorador's head because it flew off  
  
somewhere around here]  
  
Raziel: Found it yet?  
  
Rahab: Nope.  
  
Dumah: Why are we even looking? Vorador was a crusty old bastard that we're better  
  
off without.  
  
Melchiah: A crusty person?  
  
Turel: Yeah, you know. Like crusty crust on KFC chicken. It's to live for.  
  
Kain: Okay, I'm not sure if you've realized this, but Vorador's head isn't chicken.  
  
Zephon's voice: Ooh, did someone say chicken?  
  
Dumah: You guys are talking like you haven't had anything to eat in years!  
  
Raziel: We've non-stop been searching this place for a WEEK and so I'm hungry and  
  
cranky.  
  
Dumah: (sarcastically) You mean crusty.  
  
Rahab: Dumah, you are so anal.  
  
Kain: That's my son!  
  
Dumah: Thank you father.  
  
Raziel: (sad puppy dog eyes)  
  
Kain: Raziel, if both your eyes were the same color then it would be sadder. But I just  
  
can't feel bad starring into 1 yellow eye and 1 white eye. It's strange.  
  
Turel: I'm hungry.  
  
Kain: That isn't gonna help us! Buckle up!  
  
Melchiah: What, are we about to drive?  
  
Kain: That's not what I mean idiot.  
  
Rahab: Guys, we're lost. We are not to extremely far from Moebius' house so we could  
  
always ask for directions.  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) In other words, we call him and ask, "Hey Moebius, which way to  
  
Vorador's head. We seem to have broken Vorador and lost him."  
  
Zephon's voice: You think that would work?  
  
Raziel: Hey, I've got this mean idea. Hand me the phone.  
  
[At Moebius' house]  
  
Moebius: It's time to play Bingo!  
  
Mabes: (sugar-high as usual) YAY! BINGO! BB-II-NN-GG-OO! THAT MEANS BINGO BE  
  
HIS NAMEY-O! YAY YAHOO!  
  
(then their phone rings)  
  
Moebius: (talking in the phone) Hello?  
  
Raspy voice on other end of phone: Hello Moebius! What's your favorite scary movie!?  
  
Moebius: (while holding the phone and terrfied) (screams) (screams) (screams)  
  
(screams) (screams) (screams) (screams)  
  
[Back at the boat]  
  
Raziel: (holding the phone out for everyone to here) Heehehehehe.  
  
Moebius: (other end) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!  
  
Raziel: (hangs up on him) That was fun!  
  
Rahab: Hehe, yeah.  
  
Kain: So did you ask?  
  
Raziel: Um...  
  
Kain: Call him again.  
  
Dumah: Wait! Before you call, you've got to know that this may be long distance!  
  
Raziel: So?  
  
Dumah: (snatching the phone) That means it'll cost more money! Do you want cheaper  
  
and longer service? If so, call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. Just 99 cents and only 7 cents a  
  
minute after the first 20 minutes.  
  
Raziel: (taking the phone back) Riiiiiiight...  
  
Dumah: Just call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. It'll save you a buck or two!  
  
Kain: Oh come on, what can you do with a dollar.  
  
Dumah: You can use it for long distance calls. Just call C-A-L-L- A-T-T. It's easy, just  
  
dial down the center!  
  
Zephon's voice: Hot damn, that's cheap!  
  
Dumah: Remember, just call 1-800 C-A-L-L-A-T-T.  
  
Rahab: Are you sure you've got that right?  
  
Raziel: Um...uh-oh. The phone won't work.  
  
Dumah: Maybe it's because of the boat's interference. It' just like a car, so if we're  
  
having trouble, just call Prep Boys. People like them, cars LOVE them. (then Dumah  
  
smiles showing his sparkly teeth)  
  
Turel: You're advertising, aren't you?  
  
Dumah: What makes you say that?  
  
Kain: Razzyboy, let me see the phone.  
  
(then Raziel walks over to Kain and hands Kain the phone)  
  
Kain: What's wrong with this thing?  
  
(then, irritated, Kain decides he think it'll work if the phone hits something, so Kain hits  
  
Raziel over the head with the phone)  
  
Raziel: (holding his head) Ow!  
  
Kain: (then he sees the the phone got broke when he hit Raziel with it) Razzyboy, you  
  
broke the phone!  
  
Raziel: Me!?! You're the one who hit me with it!  
  
Melchiah: Okay guys, enough with this gay banter! Let's just scout for directions!  
  
Dumah: What the hell is "gay banter?"  
  
Rahab: I'll go into the swamp and ask directions.  
  
(then Rahab dove into the swamp and found a giant squid!)  
  
Rahab: Ahh! What the hell are you?  
  
Squid: I am Elder God, you fool!  
  
Rahab: Okay. Do you know which way Vorador's head went?  
  
Elder God: Well how am I supposed to know?  
  
Rahab: Cause you're a god. You know a lot of stuff right?  
  
Elder God: I know how to clone, I know how to create worlds, I know the meaning of  
  
life, but the one thing I don't know is how to cook a good muffin.  
  
Rahab: So?  
  
Elder God: If you can teach me to make a good muffin, I'll know how to do everything.  
  
If you teach me, I'll not only help you locate your missing head, but also grant you a  
  
wish.  
  
(then Rahab resurfaces)  
  
Rahab: Hey guys!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Rahab: Does any of you know how to make muffins?  
  
Zephon's voice: ...  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Raziel: ...  
  
Turel: ...  
  
Melchiah: Ooh, I do!  
  
Dumah: Hehe, muffins. Pansy.  
  
Rahab: We need to make the Elder God some muffins!  
  
Dumah: Elder God and muffins. Pansies.  
  
Turel: Oh, we all knew the Elder God was strange.  
  
Dumah: (starring at anyone reading this right now) Oh, and thanks to Ameritrade I,  
  
Dumah, own 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000011% of KFC.  
  
Rahab: Okay, come on Melchiah!  
  
Melchiah: Obviously you don't see the error here.  
  
Rahab: Oh yeah. Has anyone got a diving suit?  
  
Dumah: Are you on drugs or did you purposely ask a stupid question?  
  
Rahab: Purposely.  
  
Dumah: Oh. Then the answer is no.  
  
Raziel: Hey Dumah, I sponsor stuff too, ya' know.  
  
Dumah: Well I sponsor Pepsi.  
  
Raziel: I sponsor Coca-Cola.  
  
Dumah: Damn it! Oh hey, I sponsor K-Mart!  
  
Raziel: Well I sponsor Wal-Mart.  
  
Dumah: Double damn it. Well I sponsor George Bush.  
  
Raziel: Well I sponsor Bob Dole.  
  
Dumah: Triple damn it!  
  
Rahab: Hey Melchiah, could you make the muffins then throw them down here?  
  
Melchiah: They'll get soggy!  
  
Rahab: (sigh)  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) May as well just try to capture "Mr. Elder God." May as well start  
  
plotting something together.  
  
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: ^__^  
  
(then those three huddled together)  
  
Dumah: You guys thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Raziel: Yes we are.  
  
Melchiah: Completely. I think you're thinking we send my muffins by submarine.  
  
Dumah: (sighs) No you idiot! (he whispers about catching the Elder God to Melchiah)  
  
Melchiah: You don't say?  
  
Dumah: Yep.  
  
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: Kidnap Mr. Elder God!  
  
Raziel: I wanna do it!  
  
Melchiah: Let's draw straws!  
  
Dumah: Kain said we should plot together, three of a kind  
  
All 3: Birds of a feather, now and forever, WEEEEEE!  
  
(then they started 'lalalala'-ing as they sort of danced in a circle plotting)  
  
All 3: Kidnap Mr. Elder God, lock him up real tight, throw away the keys and then turn  
  
off all the lights! Geehehehehehehe!  
  
Turel: Are they retarded? They should've added music to what they were just doing,  
  
then it would've made a lot more sense.  
  
Melchiah: That's the perfect plan!  
  
Raziel: Perfect plan!  
  
Dumah: Perfect plan!  
  
Melchiah: Wait a second, we DON'T have a plan!  
  
Dumah: Let's stick him in a box and beat him with a stick.  
  
Raziel: No, let's stick him in a cage and boil him up!  
  
Dumah: No, I've got a better plan to catch this big ol' squidy man! Let's put him in a  
  
cannon and fire it!  
  
Raziel: No you idiot, then Elder God would be no more! (sighs) I wish my brothers  
  
weren't so dumb!  
  
Dumah: I'm not the dumb one!  
  
Melchiah: You're no fun!  
  
(then Kain comes from behind and smacks them all in the head)  
  
Kain: Will you 3 stop being stupid and do something!  
  
Raziel: Idea! Let's lure him out with food, someone get a net, then we can capture him!  
  
Dumah: What kind of food do squids eat?  
  
Zephon's voice: Are you looking for the ULTIMATE squid food?  
  
Raziel and Dumah and Melchiah: Yes...  
  
Zephon's voice: Then come on down to Toys'R'Us. We have everything, from squid food  
  
to books explaining the meaning of the universe to teaching you how to create some  
  
good shrimp-fried rice! Come on down to Toys'R'Us!  
  
Melchiah: Christ, is everyone sponsoring today?  
  
(then Kain poked himself in the eyes)  
  
Kain: (in pain) Take that Zephon! (to the 3 lieutenants) Just get the DAMN SQUID!  
  
Zephon's voice: Let's play tag Kain, (picks up a hammer) with this hammer!  
  
(so Razzyboy and Rahab dive underwater where Elder God is waiting for muffins)  
  
Elder God: Well?  
  
Raziel: Um...your shoes are untied!  
  
Elder God: Really?  
  
Rahab: Yeah, all of them are!  
  
(then when the Elder God looks down, the 2 nab him with a HUGE net)  
  
Elder God: Aw crap! I fall for that all the time!  
  
Raziel: Which way to Vorador's head?  
  
Elder God: That way! (then Elder God points his tentacles all in different directions)  
  
Raziel: Ok, thanks.  
  
Rahab: Wait Razzyboy. What about our wish?  
  
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy.  
  
Elder God: I'm not a frickin' genie.  
  
Rahab: But what about our wish!?  
  
Elder God: Okay...what do you want?  
  
Raziel: (devious grin...or as close as he can get without a bottom jaw)  
  
[Back on the boat, Kain is still playing tag, Turel has his headphones on and  
  
Melchiah has his limbs in different directions and he's drawing a line to each  
  
one; in other words, he's playing Connect the Dots with his limbs]  
  
Kain: (while getting hit in the head by a hammer) Zephon, just stop.  
  
Zephon's voice: (sarcastically) Why, aren't you enjoying this? This is fun!  
  
Kain: No!  
  
[and then, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, all of a sudden, 5 of all the lieutenants  
  
appear out of thin air-even Zephon's actual body]  
  
Kain: OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(then Raziel and Rahab climb out of the water)  
  
Kain: (to the 2) What the hell have you done!? We're all gonna die with this many  
  
retards wandering around!  
  
Zephon's voice: (seeing his 5 clones) Wow, I'd forgotten how neat-o I looked.  
  
Turel: Oh my lord.  
  
Melchiah: (putting his limbs back on) My thoughts exactly.  
  
Kain: What have y'all done?  
  
Dumah: We are going to revolt!  
  
Dumah clone 1: We are going to revolt!  
  
Dumah clones 2-4: We are going to revolt!  
  
Dumah clone 5: We're gonna take some ass and kick some names!  
  
Raziel: We aren't gonna be oppressed by you anymore Kain!  
  
Raziel clones 1-4: Yeah Kain!  
  
Raziel clone 5: Yeah you motha fu'er!  
  
Zephon's voice: Wow. Me again.  
  
Zephon clone 1: I'm hungry.  
  
Zephon clone 2: I'm thirsty.  
  
Zephon clone 3: I wanna play with a doggie.  
  
Zephon clone 4: I want a moose for my birthday.  
  
Zephon clone 5: Where's Zephon?  
  
Zephon's voice: I'm Zephon.  
  
Zephon clones 1-5: You look old and stupid.  
  
Rahab clone 1-4: With all of our intellects combined, we'll be the smartest beings that  
  
ever lived!  
  
Rahab clone 5: Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
Zephon clones 1-5: Actually we'll be smarter!  
  
Turel clones 1-4: Dudes, calm down. Let's be calm and SMOOTH about this, and I mean  
  
smooth with a capital SmOoTh.  
  
Turel clone 5: Yeah, let's sing this down the right path with our own appreciation.  
  
Melchiah clone 1: That's smooth Turel 1.  
  
Melchiah clone 2: Man, my arm and number 3's arms have fallen off and we don't know  
  
which arm belongs to whom!  
  
Melchiah clone 3: Yeah man, this is unfortunate.  
  
Melchiah clone 4: Is it the one with the tattoo?  
  
Melchiah clone 5: Which tattoo?  
  
Dumah: (to Melchiah) You have a tattoo?  
  
Melchiah: Yeah, cause I'm a tough guy.  
  
Kain: Why don't I get clones?  
  
Raziel: Then we couldn't over throw you as easily! Duh!  
  
Raziel clone 1: Duh!  
  
Raziel clone 2: Duh!  
  
Raziel clone 3: Duh!  
  
Raziel clone 4: Duh!  
  
Raziel clone 5: Duh!  
  
Zephon clone 1: I've lost my skittles.  
  
Kain: I don't think I can deal with all of this.  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey wait! You can't throw Kain over!  
  
Dumah clone 4: Why not?  
  
Zephon's voice: Because I'd fall in that water and burn too, ya know!  
  
Dumah: Oh well.  
  
Dumah clone 2: Yeah, there are too many Zephon's anyway.  
  
Zephon's voice: You can't do this! (then he sees Zephone clone 4 eating a banana  
  
pudding) BANANA PUDDING!  
  
Dumah clone 3: Idea!  
  
(Dumah clone 3 ran over and snatched the banana pudding)  
  
Dumah clone 3: Do you really want this?  
  
Zephon's voice: Yeah!  
  
Zephon clones 1-5: Yeah!  
  
Dumah 3: Fetch! (then Dumah clone 3 threw the banana pudding overboard, into the  
  
water. Zephon clone 1-5 jumped overboard after it and so did Kain)  
  
Zephon's voice: (while falling off the ship) Yummy pudding!  
  
Kain: Zephon, I so truly hate you.  
  
(then they waited a while)  
  
Kain: Oh crap, it BURNS like a mother!  
  
Zephon's voice and Zephon clones: (in stereo) It BURNS! THE THINGS WE DO FOR  
  
BANANA PUDDING!  
  
Dumah: That's got rid of them.  
  
Dumah clone 2: (whispering to Dumah) Hey Dumah, we'll never be the best if Turel and  
  
Raziel are here because they're higher ranked. We should throw them over.  
  
Dumah: You're right.  
  
Turel clone 1: Hey, I heard that!  
  
Turel clone 2: Hey, I heard that!  
  
Turel clone 3: Hey, I heard that!  
  
Turel clone 4: Hey, I heard that!  
  
Turel clone 5: Hey, I heard that!  
  
Turel: Dumah, why don't we kick you out!  
  
Melchiah: Where's my left leg?  
  
Melchiah clone 1: I have it!  
  
Melchiah 4: No, that's my left leg!  
  
Melchiah 3: Have any of you seen my right nostril?  
  
Melchiah 2: How can you lose a nostril?  
  
Raziel: EVERYONE SHUT UP! IF THIS IS GONNA BE NOTHING BUT ENDLESS CHAOS,  
  
THEN THE CLONES GO BACK!  
  
Raziel clone 1: You tell them!  
  
All the clones except the Zephon clones, who are currently burning: We're not the ones  
  
going away!  
  
Lieutenants: (gulp) Uh-oh.  
  
(so the lieutenants got mugged, beaten up, and tied to the front of the ship)  
  
Melchiah: I think I might be missing an ear lobe.  
  
Dumah: Great plan Razzyboy!  
  
Turel: Hey, I'm tied near the top so I'm like that mermaid that's on the mast of the  
  
ships! That means I'm special.  
  
Rahab: Aw, I wanna be special!  
  
(then a rocks flies up and hits Raziel on the head)  
  
Raziel: Ow! What bastard did that?  
  
(then Raziel looks down to see Kain has latched himself onto the ship)  
  
Kain: (sighs) I guess I'm gonna have to save the day again.  
  
Raziel: (happy that Kain's gonna free them) Yes you d-  
  
Dumah: (insulted that his very enemy needed to save him) NO! We can get out of here  
  
just by ourselves! We don't need you screwing up! Now get outta here!  
  
(then Kain crawled across the ship looking for a way in. Everyone just starred very  
  
angrily towards Dumah)  
  
Turel: (trying to think of a way to cause Dumah pain even though Dumah was tied at  
  
the very bottom and Turel was tied at the very top) Idea! I know now! (Turel steadied  
  
himself, aimed, and spat on Dumah)  
  
Dumah: (the spit landing on his shoulder) AHH, IT BURNS YOU SON OF A BITCH!  
  
Raziel: Hhehehehehe.  
  
(Kain is crawling around and he peaks his head over the ship and sees the clones drunk  
  
and partying)  
  
Kain: Zephon, you dance like the total pansy.  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey, I dance like those dancers in a classic show!  
  
Kain: You dance like a ballerina.  
  
Zephon's voice: Well I joined their club.  
  
Kain: What!?  
  
Zephon's voice: It was amazing, I was the only guy there! I got to crawl under girls and  
  
everything else. It was amazing.  
  
Kain: (thinking about this for a moment) I may have to try that. Anyway, do you and  
  
your brothers all party and get drunk like that?  
  
Zephon's voice: Why?  
  
Kain: Cause next time y'all do, I can seriously screw with y'all's minds!  
  
Zephon's voice: Y'all's?  
  
Kain: I'll just tell them you're a pink elephant that's armed and dangerous. Hehe.  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey, I do see pink elephants!  
  
Kain: I shouldn't be surprised. I bet you'll tell me that you see dead people.  
  
Zephon's voice: No, I eat dead people. Let's go!  
  
Kain: (while Zephon's making him jump on the boat) No, ne yet, you crazy ass-  
  
(then all clones see him)  
  
Kain: Zephon, I hate you.  
  
Zephon's voice: Don't worry, I have a plan.  
  
Kain: Oh crap. You mean like your plan where you avoid ear infections by cutting of  
  
your ears.  
  
Zephon's voice: Yes, like those kinds of plans.  
  
Kain: Zephon, if you kill us, then I'll kill you till you die!  
  
(then the clones watched Kain as he concentrated really hard)  
  
Zephon's voice: I'm concentrating really hard! (and then the clones saw a spoon  
  
magically bend!) I'VE DONE IT! I'VE FINALLY BENT A SPOON USING JUST MY MIND!  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh)  
  
Clones: ?  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh again) Zephon, HOW DOES THAT HELP US!?  
  
Zephon's voice: It doesn't really. Just the satisfaction of achieving a personal goal.  
  
Kain: (eye twitches) I hate you.  
  
(then Kain gets fed up and punches himself in the face. So Kain retaliates by punching  
  
himself. Then Kain picked up the hammer from earlier and started hitting himself with  
  
it. Kain counterattacked by hitting himself in the hand with it. Then Kain started  
  
chocking himself, and the only reason Kain survived is because Kain slammed his head  
  
on a door)  
  
Raziel clone 3: Is Kain a retard, or just a retard?  
  
Dumah clone 1: What the hell is going on?  
  
Kain: That's it Zephon, I'll kill you!  
  
Rahab clone 2: I vote for his left arm!  
  
Melchiah clone 5: Well I vote for his right!  
  
Zephon's voice: What are you clones talking about?  
  
Turel clone 3: We're betting on which arm will win!  
  
Kain: Zephon, no more playing around! Immolate!  
  
(then Kain Immolated...the Melchiah clones!)  
  
Raziel clone 4: You missed yourself! Idiot!  
  
Kain: Zephon I shall Immolate you!  
  
(then Kain Immolated the Raziel clones)  
  
Turel clone 2: You keep missing! You're accidentally hitting us instead!  
  
Rahab clone 2: I think he might be aiming for us.  
  
Turel clone 2: I so totally dought it.  
  
(then Kain Immolated the Turel clones)  
  
Rahab clone 1: You know, maybe we should be trying to stop him instead of just  
  
standing here like idiots from Blood Omen 1 movie.  
  
Rahab clone 2: Yeah, only idiots would just stand around in mortal danger.  
  
(then Kain Immolated the Rahab clones that were just standing around)  
  
Dumah clone 1: Oh no.  
  
(Kain managed to Immolate 4 of the clones, but Kain thought he had gotten all of  
  
them. The fifth was hiding. Then he jumped out)  
  
Dumah clone 5: Haha, you missed me!  
  
(so Kain Immolated him)  
  
Dumah clone 5: Ow. (then the clone was burned to dust)  
  
Zephon's voice: Man, you're a bad shot! You missed me every time! You're a sucky  
  
shot!  
  
Kain: Now, where are we?  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey, why didn't you just Immolate them when they were throwing us  
  
off the boat huh? Cause it would've been a smart idea!  
  
Kain: It's cause you MADE US JUMP OFF THE BOAT YOU IDIOT!  
  
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah. Man I rule.  
  
Kain: (very PO'ed) That's it! I'm gonna Immolate you Zephon! Immolate!  
  
(then Kain Immolated himself)  
  
Kain: (very much in pain) That...was a...bad...idea.  
  
(then Kain passed out)  
  
Turel: (still tied to the front of the boat along with the others) Dude, what the hell just  
  
happened?  
  
Melchiah: I don't know, but I'm wasting away with hunger.  
  
Raziel: No surprise, you're always wasting away.  
  
Dumah: I'm hungry.  
  
Rahab: Shut up you trouble-causing bastard. I hate you Dumah.  
  
Dumah: I'm still the favorite, hahahahaha.  
  
(then Turel spitted on him again)  
  
Dumah: AHH!! IT BURNS!  
  
Turel: Hehehe.  
  
(so the boat wandered around without anyone steering it for a few days because Kain  
  
was still unconscious until something collided with Turel)  
  
Turel: Ow.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Turel: Hey guys, we hit something!  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Turel: A tree!  
  
(back on the ship, the ship hitting something woke Kain up)  
  
Kain: Ow. I have no nerve endings anymore. (so Kain made sure by hitting his hand  
  
with a hammer, and it didn't hurt at all) Yep, my nerve endings are gone.  
  
(then Kain walked over to the front of the ship and saw that they had hit a tree that  
  
lead to a forest. Then he looked down and saw the lieutenants tied to the boat)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about you guys!  
  
(so after Kain untied them all, except Raziel, they started to wander in the forest)  
  
Zephon's voice: Um Kain, you forgot Razzyboy.  
  
Kain: Yeah, so?  
  
(so Kain took over and freed Razzyboy)  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) Stupid do-gooder.  
  
(then they wandered the forest and found a building. When they went in, they were in  
  
the Pillars again!)  
  
Zephon's voice: Home!  
  
Raziel: Yay!  
  
(and so they all stayed in the Pillars and done their usual weird stuff, forgetting all  
  
about the fact that they were trying to find Vorador's head. But luckily, a head  
  
transplant person names Dean Earwicker found Vorador's head)  
  
[The scene is now a hospital and Dean Earwicker is in beside a board with a headless  
  
person on it]  
  
Dean Earwicker: (reading the list aloud) Well mister Moebius, looks like we've got a  
  
head for you.  
  
(then Dean Earwicker placed Vorador's head on Moebius' body then Vorador came  
  
awake again)  
  
Vorador: (in Moebius' body) I'm awake! Thank you! (then Vorador kissed Dean  
  
Earwicker then ran off)  
  
Dean Earwicker: I dead person just touched me. Gross.  
  
(then the scene froze and Dumah came out holding a piece of chicken in both hands)  
  
Dumah: Hello. In my left hand here I've got a piece of chicken from the other  
  
restaurants (the chicken looked bland) but here in my right hand is a piece of Crispy  
  
Crust Chicken from KFC. Let's see how they taste.  
  
(then Dumah took a bite of the bland chicken)  
  
Dumah: Blech.  
  
(then he took a bite of the KFC chicken)  
  
Dumah: (while giving a thumbs-up) Yummy. KFC is clearly better. There's fast food.  
  
Then there's KFC.  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
Well, I had to do a lot of research for all of these ads! Well, not really. But I did have to watch T.V. to see the ads, that's counted as research, right? Didn't think so. Anyway, my next chapter will be a parody of this show I like, so the next chapter might take a little while. Anyway hope you liked this chapter, and of course, don't forget to review! 


	5. Kids are spwaned from Hades!

Disclaimer: Down't own LoK, but I think you already knew that.  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Note: I said I was gonna do a parody of a show for this chapter, but it didn't work out  
  
and was scrapped, so this is another original  
  
  
  
[The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth and everyone is bored, except Kain who  
  
is complaining because Umah moved in with them]  
  
Kain: Who's stupid idea was it to let Umah move in here?  
  
Raziel: Yours.  
  
Kain: What are you talking about?  
  
Raziel: You made a bet. If you lost, she moved in, but if you won, she moved in. And  
  
you lost.  
  
Kain: What were we playing?  
  
Raziel: Go Fish. Besides, you WANTED her to move in!  
  
Kain: Why would I want that!  
  
Raziel: Were you drunk the night it happened?  
  
Kain: I guess so. Tell me what happened. Cause I don't like being drunk. It makes me  
  
weird.  
  
Zephon's voice: You're always weird.  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
Raziel: Okay, here's what happened.  
  
{Flashback begins}  
  
[The setting is the Red Raven Pub, and Kain's wandering what to drink]  
  
Kain: What should I have?  
  
Zephon's voice: Bartender, how about something heavy?  
  
Kain: No, I am not gonna get drunk!  
  
Zephon's voice: Why not?  
  
Kain: I'm weird when I'm drunk. I get emotional and sentimental.  
  
Zephon's voice: Bartender, get us something heavy!  
  
Kain: Zephon, if you get us drunk, I'll cuts our head off.  
  
Zephon's voice: (to Bartender) Never mind!  
  
Kain: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Wait here.  
  
Zephon's voice: Wait here? And besides, since when where there bathrooms in  
  
Nosgoth? I always thought that was strange.  
  
(so they go to the bathroom. They went to the urinal and Kain looked up at the ceiling,  
  
and Human 1, in the one right beside Kain, was wandering what was going on)  
  
Human 1: ??? (he's listening to their conversation. And now, for a humorous effect, we  
  
will hear things through Human 1's ears)  
  
Kain: I'm not gonna look. Zephon, you retarded monkey. I think we should get drunk, I  
  
want to see your emotional side. Well I want to lop off your head. Then come on, show  
  
me what you've got old man. Hey, I'm not a man!  
  
Human 1: !!!  
  
Kain: Well I can tell that. What's that supposed to mean!? Haha, I'm making fun of you!  
  
Well, I know all of your secrets, I'll tell them to everybody! You sound like a loud-  
  
mouthed cheerleader! Well you're stupid! No you're stupid! You're stupid!  
  
(then Kain knocked his head into the urinal, and Kain retaliated by running over to the  
  
nearest stall and slamming the door on his head)  
  
Zephon's voice: I'll kill you till you die!  
  
Kain: Isn't that redundant!?  
  
(then Kain tried to handcuff his hands with toilet tissue, but Kain broke free and ran out  
  
to the hand dryer and repeatedly beat his head into it. Then Kain got pissed out a stole  
  
a lighter)  
  
Zephon's voice: Kain, that's stupid. No, don't don't don't don't.  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
(then Kain lit his hand on fire. This was VERY confusing to Human 1)  
  
Zephon's voice: Ow!  
  
Kain: Yeah, isn't it great!?  
  
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah! Well, hyahh!  
  
(then Kain lit his other hand on fire)  
  
Zephon's voice: Got you! (then feels burning pain in both his hands) AHH!!  
  
Kain: AHH!!  
  
Zephon's voice: AHH!!  
  
Kain: AHH!! ZEPHON DO SOMETHING!  
  
Zephon's voice: AHH!! (hey, he was doing something-screaming)  
  
Kain: OW!!  
  
Zephon's voice: OW!!  
  
Kain: OW!! Put the fire out!!  
  
Zephon's voice: Okay!!  
  
(so Kain hit his hands on his head to try to get the fire out but unfortunately the fire  
  
caught Kain's hair, making his head on fire)  
  
Kain: ZEPHON YOU STUPID BASTARD!  
  
Zephon's voice: We gotta find another way! Water puts fire out!  
  
(then Kain runs over to the sink)  
  
Kain: Zephon you crazy bastard, think about what you're doing before you do this!  
  
Zephon's voice: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
(then Kain dumped his head into the fire and his hands and the fire went out)  
  
Zephon's voice: Ah, much better.  
  
Kain: IT BURNS!!  
  
Zephon's voice: What burns? The fire's out, you must be-IT BURNS!!  
  
(then Kain collapsed)  
  
Human 1: Starting today, I'm giving up drugs. (then Human 1 leaves)  
  
Kain: We have to...at least...get out of here.  
  
Zephon's voice: (in pain) Yeah. Fire and water mix greatly.  
  
(so Kain stumbles out and sits at a table)  
  
Zephon's voice: That's it, I'm ordering me something. Bartender!! I would like some  
  
marmalade please!  
  
Kain: Marmalade!?  
  
Zephon's voice: Yeah.  
  
Kain: I've got a total idiot attached to me and it's been a hard day.  
  
Zephon's voice: (mesmerizing voice) You want to drink, I wanna see your sensitive  
  
side.  
  
Kain: No! I'll just ask help from the Bartender!  
  
(then a tall man with silver hair, a long sword, black clothing, and with a crow on his  
  
shoulder came over with a present)  
  
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Are you Kain?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Give this to Turel. (gives Kain the present)  
  
Kain: Okay. In case he asks, what's your name?  
  
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: It's Vicio-(then this dude decides that it is probably  
  
best the he doesn't tell Kain his real name)-um, er, call me Ishmael.  
  
Kain: Okay. I'll give this to him Ishmael.  
  
(then Ishmael left)  
  
Zephon's voice: Now I KNOW you need a drink!  
  
Kain: No.  
  
(the Bartender brought Kain a marmalade, but Kain couldn't identify the Bartender,  
  
who's back was turned to Kain and everyone else)  
  
Zephon's voice: Yummy!  
  
Kain: Remember, we share a stomach, so if this gives me indigestion, I'll wring our  
  
neck. (to the Bartender) Bartender, I know you don't give a rat's ass about my  
  
problems since I give less an ass about yours, but listen to my story. This may be our  
  
last chance.  
  
Zephon's voice: (making Kain drink) I love marmalade!  
  
Kain: Okay, I was with this vamp named Umah, but she left me.  
  
Zephon's voice: Yeah, she totally made Kain cry! Hahahaha!  
  
Kain: I didn't cry! Besides, that bitch left me!  
  
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! Hahahaha!  
  
Kain: I didn't cry!  
  
Zephon's voice: Yes you did! You cried! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Bartender: Well, I think that this Umah had a right to leave a sloppy, lazy, idiot good-  
  
for-nothing vampire like you!  
  
Kain: Bartenders are supposed to have feelings!  
  
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! HAHEEEEHAHAHAHA!  
  
(then the Bartender turned around and it turned out that the Bartender was Umah)  
  
Kain: Oh sh**. Now I need something heavy.  
  
Umah: Yes. I'll get you some water.  
  
Zephon's voice: No wait, I can do it. (evil grin)  
  
(so Kain got up and got two heavy drinks)  
  
Zephon's voice: One for Kain, one for Umah.  
  
(they both took a sip)  
  
Umah: O_-  
  
Kain: -_O  
  
Zephon's voice: Hehehehehehe.  
  
Umah: (shaking) W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what was th-th-th-th-that?  
  
Kain: W-e-e-e-e-e shouldn't have d-d-d-d-drunken th-th-that.  
  
Zephon's voice: It's all good. (he drinks his marmalade)  
  
Kain: (looking deep into Umah's eyes) Know what? You have the most beautiful eyes.  
  
Umah: And you have the most beautiful neck veins.  
  
Kain: Ever since a met you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm really happy to see  
  
you again.  
  
Umah: You're still that little vamp boy I met in Meridia.  
  
(then Umah walked off to do something)  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) Look at her Zephon. She doesn't even remember me anymore.  
  
Zephon's voice: She was happy to see us. *thinking* This is gonna be great!  
  
(then Kain got up and walked to Umah, who was still serving drinks)  
  
Zephon's voice: Kain's such a romantic pansy when he's drunk! I wonder how a  
  
drunken Umah would react?  
  
Kain: Umah, we should love each other.  
  
Umah: But we can't love each other. We'd be living a lie.  
  
Kain: You're right. How do you feel about sex?  
  
Umah: Alright, good idea.  
  
Zephon's voice: Wha???  
  
Kain: Let's go lover.  
  
Umah: Right away.  
  
(so then they decided to make out on the table in front of everybody)  
  
[The scene is now the Pillars and this is still a flaskback]  
  
Raziel: Pillars sweet Pillars.  
  
Kain (VO): Wait a minute! I had sex with Umah on a table in front of everybody!?  
  
Raziel (VO): Yes. Now be quiet, I'm trying to tell you what happened.  
  
Kain (VO): I had SEX WITH UMAH ON A TABLE!?! ZEPHON'S DEAD!  
  
Raziel (VO): When you think about it, it's really quite funny.  
  
Dumah: (walking up to Raziel) Where's Kain?  
  
Raziel: At the Red Raven Pub.  
  
Dumah: Why? I wanna see him suffer!  
  
Raziel: Why are you the favorite!?  
  
Dumah: Cause I'm a lot like him!  
  
Turel: (inspecting his Elvis albums) Everything's all here. Think they came looking for  
  
us?  
  
Melchiah: They were probably hoping we were dead.  
  
Rahab: (holding his rubber ducky) Aw, I've missed you my bath-time ducky. (he then  
  
also picks up a brush) And my bath-time brushy. (then he picks up a human head) Oh,  
  
and I've missed you bed-time heady.  
  
Raziel: No one must know we're home!  
  
Dumah: (while talking on the phone to Mabes) Yep, you can tell Moebius that we're  
  
home now.  
  
Raziel: DUMAH! WHAT IN THE HOLE OF HELL ARE YOU DOING!?  
  
Dumah: Hold on a minute Mabes. (to Raziel) I have nothing to worry about cause I'm  
  
the strongest so you can say that I'm screwing you people over.  
  
Raziel: BUT WHY!?!  
  
Dumah: Cause it's fun! (back to Mabes) Yeah, so you can tell him.  
  
Mabes: (over the phone) YAY! YOU'RE HOME! NEAT-O FRITO ON A DORITO!  
  
Dumah: Hehe. Be sure to tell him. Bye. (then Dumah hung up)  
  
Raziel: DUMAN, YOU CRAZY HE-DIKE! YOU JUST GOT US IN TROUBLE!  
  
Dumah: Yeah, it kicks ass huh?  
  
(then Kain walked in all full of joy)  
  
Kain: Hello my sons!  
  
Lieutenants: Hi...  
  
Kain: My loving sons! Hey Razzyboy!  
  
Rahab: Loving sons?  
  
Raziel: He's Kain all right, that asshole called me Razzboy.  
  
Melchiah: What are you so happy about?  
  
Kain: Guess who's moving in with us?  
  
Zephon's voice: Ooh, is it that poor bum that we found on the side of the pub!?  
  
Kain: You were there dumbass! You know who!  
  
Zephon's voice: Oh, you mean her! Damn it!  
  
Kain: Me and Umah had a bet. If I lost, she moved in, but if I won, she moved in. And I  
  
lost.  
  
Raziel: You lost on purpose didn't you?  
  
Kain: No! We were playing a very hard game!  
  
Rahab: What game?  
  
Kain: Go Fish. I'm so happy that nothing could bring me down.  
  
(Umah then walked in and looked at Kain)  
  
Umah: Kain, I have even more good news!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Umah: I'm pregnant with out child!  
  
Kain: OH MY LORD NO-OO-OO-OO-OO!  
  
Dumah: Hehehehehehehehehe.  
  
Kain: (while sitting down holding his head) OH DAMN!  
  
Zephon's voice: Knew you should've used protection.  
  
Umah: Are you saying that you're not pleased?  
  
Kain: OH DAMN! OH ALL TO HELL DAMN! FRICKIN' FRACKIN' HELL!  
  
Umah: How can you not be pleased!?  
  
Kain: How can this happen to me? I haven't go the...stuff!  
  
Raziel: My daddy's a father now!  
  
Kain: How!?  
  
Zephon's voice: Well, do we need to have a talk about the crows and the eating-the-  
  
crows? You see, when a vamp and another vamp love each other very much, they  
  
wanna get close to each other. And sometimes-  
  
Kain: Shut it! (to Umah) You sure you just didn't get spontaneously fat all of a sudden?  
  
Umah: (insulted) How dare you? Besides, how did we even do it in the first place?  
  
Zephon's voice: Hahahahahaha! I get you two drunk!  
  
Dumah: Ohohohoho! Low blow! Good one Zephon!  
  
Umah: Zephon, you bastard! (so Umah kicked Kain in the head)  
  
Kain: Hey, you're hurting me!  
  
Raziel: Hey mommy Umah, will you go to Toys'R'Us with me and buy me toys? Hahaha!  
  
Rahab: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help me take a bath and wash me? Hahahaha!  
  
Melchiah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you clean up after me? Hehehe!  
  
Turel: Yeah mommy Umah, will you get your groovey dance moves on with me?  
  
Dumah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help beat the sh** out of people with me?  
  
Umah: I'm having a baby! Hey Kain, don't you have a pretty pink cradle we could use?  
  
Kain: OH MY LORD NO!  
  
Umah: Oh yeah, and don't forget your little pink bonet. What happened to all your baby  
  
stuff?  
  
Kain: I ate it. I was stupid and little.  
  
Dumah: Ha, he sure is big now!  
  
Kain: Shut it! I remember when I was a baby.  
  
\another flashback begins/  
  
Baby Kain: (dressed in a pink bonet and pink baby clothes in a pink cradle) Lookey,  
  
some wood! Yumm tumm.  
  
Kain's Mother: Aww, look at my cute little girl.  
  
Baby Kain: Doy.  
  
Kain's Mother: What my little girl?  
  
Baby Kain: Me doy.  
  
Kain's Mother: What was that Kainthrine Sue Mary? (yes, Kainthrine Sue Mary is Kain's  
  
full name)  
  
Baby Kain: Me doy.  
  
Kain's Mother: You're a boy? Oops. I forgot cause you have the cutest little eyelashes.  
  
Baby Kain: (while sucking his thumb) Yumm tumm. Rock me.  
  
Kain's Mother: Yes my little girl-BOY! Sorry, now I'm gonna have to get used to calling  
  
you a boy cause I thought you were a girl. Sorry about that. Here's your pink bottle.  
  
Baby Kain: (holding pink bottle) Pink boddle! Googoogee.  
  
Kain's Mother: (seeing Baby Kain eat the bottle) No, you don't eat the bottle! My sweet  
  
stupid baby.  
  
Baby Kain: Me stupid! Me stupid! Geeheehee. (then he ate his bottle) Yumm tumm.  
  
Kain's Mother: Aww.  
  
/end of that flashback/  
  
Kain: (with disgusted look) Oh, this baby is gonna go through hell.  
  
Turel: What time of the year is this?  
  
Kain: Winter. (fells something and it's the present that Ishmael gave him) Here Turel,  
  
this is from Ishmael.  
  
(Turel takes the present and opens it)  
  
Turel: Who's Ishmael? (sees the present) A DUCKY PAJAMA SET! YAY! NOW A HAVE  
  
RUBBER DUCKY PAJAMAS!  
  
Umah: We should get our baby ducky pajamas.  
  
Kain: Ughh...(Kain faints)  
  
[later that day, Kain's in some room going through a trunk full of pink baby stuff]  
  
Kain: (while digging in the trunk) Christ, did I have anything that WASN'T pink! Did my  
  
mom think I was a girl or something? (then he remembers) Damn it!  
  
(then Turel comes in wearing blue pajamas cover in rubber ducks and rubber ducks as  
  
shoes)  
  
Turel: (smug) I love duckies.  
  
Kain: Yeah yeah yeah. I was a total geek back then.  
  
Turel: Hey, I made up a song about my duckies! It goes like this...  
  
Ducky ducky my own duckies  
  
How I love thou  
  
Lucky lucky I'm so luckies  
  
Cause I have some duckies (that's the end)  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Turel: Like my ducky song?  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Turel: Scrooge! (then Turel stomps off)  
  
Kain: I love pissing off happy people.  
  
(then Umah enters)  
  
Umah: Bad news. I'm not really pregnant.  
  
Kain: (very sad look on his face) You're not?  
  
Umah: No, it's just my winter weight.  
  
Kain: Eww!  
  
Umah: You stupid wanger!  
  
Kain: I'm sorry. *thinking: What the hell's a wanger?*  
  
Umah: (hugs him) Well, I gotta go.  
  
(then she leaves)  
  
Kain: YESSSS!! NOT STUPID BABY! YAHOO!  
  
(then banners fly, fireworks go off, flares light up, confetti is thrown all over the place,  
  
rice is thrown all over)  
  
Kain: (in dramatic slow motion) OOOOHHHH YYYYEEEESSSS!!!!  
  
(than a banner drops saying "Congratulations")  
  
Kain: (jumping up and down excitedly) Dude, yay!  
  
(then a bouquet is thrown in the air along with the cheering of some lieutenants who  
  
are also jumping up and down)  
  
Kain: (jumping 6 feet high) Yay!  
  
Raziel: Here.  
  
(the lieutenants give Kain some "She's-not-pregnant-after-all presents)  
  
Kain: Yahoo!  
  
(then Kain's so excited that he jumps into the air, hits a light bulb and gets  
  
electrocuted, but that's not enough to spoil his good mood)  
  
Rahab: Fireworks!  
  
Kain: Yay!  
  
Raziel (VO): And for that one day, it became a new holiday for the lieutenants and Kain.  
  
It would forever be known as "Not Pregnant Day" where everyone would celebrate and  
  
have a good time.  
  
{Flashback ends}  
  
Raziel: And you were so happy that you drank all the drinks you could and Zephon had  
  
all the marmalade he could till he was going to burst.  
  
Kain: Wow. I like stories with happy endings.  
  
Raziel: And what does that teach you?  
  
Kain: That I'm a lucky bastard!  
  
(he's so happy that he and Umah go off and have sex-unprotected again)  
  
Raziel: You're so total stupid Kain.  
  
Umah: (from afar) Kain, I think I may be pregnant!  
  
Kain: (also from afar) OH MY LORD NO!  
  
Raziel: (shouting to Kain) THIS WHOLE FLASHBACK TAUGHT YOU TO USE  
  
PROTECTION YOU RETARD! (to himself) Man, my dad's stupid!  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Well, this turned out pretty good. On a side note, I hate babies. They annoy me so much I think I momentarily go sane. Anyway, hope you like this chapter and I've finally got a bio up! So don't forget to review! 


	6. Secrets Revealed

Disclaimer: No own LoK and no own its characters  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
  
  
[The scene is, where else?, the Pillars and Rahab is reading a book to  
  
everyone except Dumah who was out beating the sh** out of people, Kain,  
  
who was sleeping, and Umah who no one knew were she was]  
  
Rahab: (reading aloud to the others) ...and so Curious George rolled on his ball till  
  
he fell asleep. The end.  
  
Melchiah: I love that book!  
  
Turel: Yeah and I liked the surprise ending. I thought that monkey would've got killed  
  
for sure!  
  
Raziel: By who?  
  
Turel: That army major guy. I thought he would have KILLED that monkey!  
  
Janos: (he found his way back to the Pillars) Yeah, good old George!  
  
Vorador: (his head's attached to Moebius' body) That damn monkey! The major should  
  
just blow his ass away!  
  
Melchiah: (shrieks) That monkey is my idol, thank you so very much!  
  
Vorador: If I was that major guy, I would've gotten my shotgun and blow his freakin'  
  
brains out!  
  
Melchiah: NO-OO-OO-OO!!  
  
Raziel: Vorry, stop being an ass.  
  
Vorador: HEY! Don't call me Vorry. Stupid Razzyboy.  
  
Rahab: What should I read next?  
  
Melchiah: Make Vorador apologize for what he said about George!  
  
Vorador: I am not going to apologize. I really would've killed that monkey. Killing it  
  
would save a lot of trouble.  
  
Raziel: Fortunately you're NOT that major.  
  
Vorador: Baah, this is all fake.  
  
Melchiah: It's not fake!!!  
  
Janos: Stop being mean Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Oh come on! This is as fake as Santa Clause!  
  
Melchiah: Santa Clause is NOT FAKE! (then Melchiah tackled Vorador and beat the crap  
  
outta him)  
  
Rahab: Hehehehehehe.  
  
Raziel: What next?  
  
Janos: Ooh, I know! How about that heart-warming novel Go Dog Go?  
  
Rahab: If you can find it.  
  
Janos: What does that mean?  
  
Rahab: Ever since Vorador came here, it's been missing.  
  
(then Janos grabs Vorador away from Melchiah)  
  
Vorador: Thank you.  
  
(then Janos lifted Vorador up by the throat)  
  
Janos: (in an evil, threatening voice) Where is Go Dog Go?  
  
Vorador: Umm...  
  
Janos: (still threatening voice) Where is that book? I LOVE that book. And if you hid it,  
  
I'm going to kill you so badly that you'll think you are dead.  
  
Vorador: (thinking about what he just said) That doesn't make much sense.  
  
(Raziel hands Janos a monkey wrench)  
  
Janos: Thanks Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: DON'T call me Razzyboy!  
  
(then Dumah rushed in with something shiny in his hands and he was very excited)  
  
Dumah: You guys, guess what I found while I was out beating the sh** out of people!?  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Dumah: A portable time-streaming device!  
  
Raziel: A portable time-streaming device? Wow, let's use it!  
  
Janos: (putting down Vorador) I know the perfect time to go back to! We can go back  
  
to before Vorador came over and then I can find Go Dog Go!  
  
Raziel: No no no no! I have a better plan!  
  
Dumah: Yeah! We can go back in the past and kill human Kain!  
  
Raziel: No! We can go back a few days ago and find out who framed Kain!  
  
[well, Kain was having a good dream. He was dreaming that he was the lord of Nosgoth  
  
and was beating people up like rag-dolls and that he had a favorite son named Dumah.  
  
Of course, this is all true, but it's still a good dream. But the good dream was shattered  
  
when someone woke him up]  
  
Turel: Kain, wake up!  
  
Kain: I have a sinus headache. Go away.  
  
Zephon's voice: Scrooge! Anyway, what've you guys got?  
  
(they handed him the portable time-streaming device)  
  
Kain: (eyes lit up) A portable time-streaming device? Awesome! Who found it?  
  
Dumah: Me.  
  
Kain: I should've known that my FAVORITE SON would've been the one to find  
  
something this good. Only my FAVORITE SON could be so awesome unlike my LEAST  
  
FAVORITE SON who shall remain nameless whose name is Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: My daddy doesn't love me!  
  
(then Razzyboy was upset)  
  
Raziel: (pissed off) Hey, don't call me Razzyboy!  
  
(at least you're not upset anymore)  
  
Raziel: True.  
  
Kain: What should I do?  
  
Raziel: Go back a few days ago and see who framed you!  
  
Kain: Great idea my favorite son Dumah!  
  
Raziel: But Dumah didn't say a thing! He's just standing there like a retard!  
  
Kain: Yes, but he obviously gave you the good idea!  
  
Turel: Yay!  
  
(then Kain got up and gathered the lieutenants)  
  
Janos: What about us?  
  
Kain: You stay and look after Umah. I'm getting nightmares that she might actually be  
  
pregnant someday.  
  
Vorador: Fine!  
  
Rahab: And don't mess with my books while we're gone!  
  
Vorador: I won't.  
  
Kain: Okay, let's go to a few days from now!  
  
(then Kain pressed a button and him and the lieutenants disappeared)  
  
[The scene was now a ship and it was on water heading toward a city and there were a  
  
ton of boxes on the ship. Kain and the lieutenants materialized on the boat near one of  
  
the sides. They were hidden behind a bunch of boxes]  
  
Kain: Where the hell are we?  
  
Rahab: I just had a thought. Do you know how to use this thing?  
  
Kain: No. But we sure ain't a few days ago. Is this even Nosgoth anymore?  
  
Raziel: Sure doesn't look like it. I think we're on Nosgoth before it became Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: How far back are we!?  
  
Melchiah: Let's look for clues as to the time period we're in.  
  
(they looked around and Raziel looked behind him and saw a large box labeled 'Tea')  
  
Raziel: Ahh!! Looks like a block!  
  
(the others looked around and the boxes they were hiding behind also said 'Tea.' In  
  
fact, all of the boxes were labeled 'Tea', and there were a lot of boxes)  
  
Turel: I hate tea.  
  
Raziel: And it's shaped like a block. Let's throw them overboard.  
  
(so Raziel threw the box of tea overboard, and so did the lieutenants and Kain. They  
  
were throwing all the boxes of tea overboard, and the sailors on the ship saw this and  
  
thought it was a trend and they threw the boxes of tea overboard as well! The people  
  
on the harbor were outraged)  
  
Raziel: This is kinda fun! Throw all the tea overboard!  
  
Rahab: (finally realizes what time period they're in) Oh my. This isn't good. Stop  
  
throwing the tea overboard!  
  
(no one listened and threw more tea overboard)  
  
Rahab: Stop!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Rahab: Let's just leave shall we? Lots of people are going to be pissed off at us.  
  
Melchiah: Okay, use the machine!  
  
Zephon's voice: Lord help us, we have no clue what we're doing.  
  
(so they used the machine)  
  
[The scene was now a bunker and it sounded like there was a war going on. Kain and  
  
the lieutenants materialized in an underground bunker right in front of a door]  
  
Kain: Where are we now! This still isn't it! And I'm starving!  
  
Raziel: Don't worry. Rahab, do you know what's going on?  
  
Rahab: Well, there are tons of underground bunkers, this could be anything!  
  
(well, Kain opened the door and found...Hitler! But his back was to them)  
  
Hitler: (singing to himself-oh and I don't know German so this is automatically  
  
translated) Everybody! Yeah-eah! Shake your body! Yeah-eah! Backstreet's back  
  
alright! Alright!  
  
Kain: What the?  
  
Dumah: Food!  
  
(so Dumah pounced on and killed Adolph Hitler)  
  
Dumah: Yummy.  
  
Rahab: Well, Dumah just killed Hitler. So Hitler didn't commit suicide! Dumah killed him!  
  
A great mystery solved!  
  
Raziel: (picking up a gun and pointing it at his face) What's this?  
  
[BANG! Well, the Slaughs in the Spectral Realm were getting bored]  
  
Slaugh 1: I'm bored.  
  
Slaugh 2: Yeah, well at least that Razzyboy guy isn't here. He annoys me.  
  
Slaugh 1: Yeah, he tried to suck me up.  
  
(then Raziel appears in the Spectral Realm)  
  
Raziel: Note to self: Never shoot yourself in the head.  
  
Slaugh 1: Aww, it's Razzyboy!  
  
Slaugh 2: Yeah, I hate Razzyboy!  
  
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy!  
  
(then Raziel killed them and returned to the Material Realm. Raziel got the gun and put  
  
it in Hitler's hand and pointed it to Hitler's head)  
  
Raziel: He, this will drive conspiracy nuts crazy.  
  
Rahab: Let's get out of here.  
  
Raziel: Just let me take some gifts. (Razzyboy stole a gun)  
  
Kain: Let's go. I'm starving.  
  
(then they used the machine)  
  
[Easter Island was a quiet place full of peace and nothing bad ever happened. Until  
  
Kain and the lieutenants materialized in and started screwing things up]  
  
Turel: (looking at a rock) I should carve my face onto this thing. A work of art.  
  
Kain: A work of stupidity.  
  
(so Turel carved a BUNCH of rocks to look like him-except they looked more like Kain  
  
instead)  
  
Turel: Damn, now they look like flathead!  
  
Kain: Hey!  
  
Turel: Let's go. Art is ruined.  
  
Rahab: Okay. Now where will this machine take us?  
  
(then Kain jabbed on the machine)  
  
[The Hindenburg (or however you spell it) was a revolutionary means of transportation  
  
and it floated high up in the sky. The balloon part was neat-o too. Then some vampires  
  
mysteriously landed at the very top of the balloon]  
  
Melchiah: Ahh!! I hate hights!  
  
Rahab: (immediately recognized the scene) We must get going now!  
  
Turel: Why, we just got here?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, and this rubber feels weird.  
  
Rahab: It's a balloon. Think waterbed. Now let's go!  
  
Dumah: Hehehehehe.  
  
(then the supreme asshole Dumah poked the balloon. It started to deflate then caught  
  
on fire)  
  
Raziel: DUMAH YOU ****, @*%@, #*@%, ****ING IDIOT!  
  
Dumah: USE THE MACHINE BEFORE WE DIE!  
  
Kain: It won't work!  
  
Melchiah: Why not!?  
  
Zephon's voice: I think it's because I've been jabbing it too hard!  
  
Dumah: YOU IDIOT!  
  
(then Zephon punched Kain)  
  
Kain: Ow! (then Kain punched Raziel then he puched the machine) I THINK IT'S  
  
WORKING!  
  
Rahab: Try it out!  
  
(then Kain pressed the button and they disappeared)  
  
[The scene was a green hill and they materialized there]  
  
Kain: Now where are we?  
  
Rahab: (looking at the time-streaming device) I've got it set to "Nosgoth a few days  
  
ago" so we should leave now.  
  
Raziel: Yeah. (then Raziel twirled his gun)  
  
Rahab: Stop, that's dangerous!  
  
Raziel: Oh, how dangerous can it be?  
  
(then he accidentally fired the gun and it went past the green hill they were on)  
  
Rahab: OH NO! This is a grassy knoll! Do you know what that means!?  
  
Dumah: Um, no.  
  
Rahab: It doesn't matter! Let's move!  
  
(so they teleport away)  
  
[The scene is now Nosgoth a few days from now and Kain and the lieutenants  
  
materialize in front of a shop]  
  
Kain: Finally, we're here. I'm hungry.  
  
Raziel: No! We must wait and catch the person who's trying to frame you!  
  
Dumah: I'm gonna look in this store and kill something.  
  
Kain: Okay. (then Kain sees a human walk by) I'm starving! (then Kain pounces on the  
  
human killing it)  
  
Dumah: (inside the store) Aw, who can I beat the crap out of?  
  
(then Dumah saw Moebius from a few days ago)  
  
Dumah: Hey Moebius, I'm a vampire! Hahahaha you suck!  
  
(Moebius from a few days ago hears this and charges toward Dumah, who runs out of  
  
the shop)  
  
Dumah: (to Kain and the others) Moebius is coming!!  
  
Rahab: We gotta hide!  
  
Kain: But I haven't drunken this guy's blood yet!  
  
(then they all hide. Then Kain from a few days ago go and finds the corpse that present  
  
Kain had just killed)  
  
Kain from a few days ago: (looking at the dead person) Supper! (then, while drinking  
  
the blood) I'm such a sucker for corpses.  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (sees Kain from a few days ago drinking the blood)  
  
Police! Police!  
  
(then, at Kain's hiding place which is behind a trash can he and the lieutenants peek  
  
over and see the commotion)  
  
Kain: (realizing that HE was the one that framed himself!) Oh my lord no!!  
  
Turel: Well I'll be damned.  
  
Zephon's voice: (to Kain) (smug voiced) Well, how are you gonna get out of this one  
  
Kain? Watcha gonna do now?  
  
(then, as Kain watched Moebius from a few days ago drag Kain from a few days ago  
  
off, he continually hit his head on the trashcan)  
  
Kain: (while banging his head) Damn damn damn damn!  
  
Dumah: Hahahaha!  
  
Kain: (while turning around and lifting Dumah off the ground) THIS ISN'T FUNNY  
  
DUMAH! SHUT UP!!  
  
Raziel: Bravo!  
  
Kain: (while throwing Dumah) I'm gonna go in and defend myself.  
  
Raziel: You can't do that!  
  
Kain: Why not?  
  
Raziel: It didn't happen to you so it'd cause a paradox!  
  
Kain: You freakin' idiot! You're saying that like we don't cause paradoxi on a daily basis!  
  
We cause more damn paradoxi than anything in the world! Hell, we could open our own  
  
paradox causing business! We could be called Paradox'R'Us!  
  
Rahab: Actually it's paradoxES! Not paradoxI!  
  
Kain: I know that! What do you think I am, a stupid retard?  
  
Rahab: Yes.  
  
Kain: Oh. Well I'm about to cause another paradox! I love paradoxi!  
  
(then Kain stormed to the courtroom)  
  
Rahab: It's paradoxes!  
  
[The scene is the courtroom and it's before the lieutenants from a few days ago had  
  
arrived. So when present Kain and the present lieutenants stormed in to help Kain from  
  
a few days ago, there was some confusion]  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (seeing the 2 Kains) 2 Kains!! What the hell is going on!?  
  
Kain from a few days ago: (seeing Kain) Who're you?  
  
Kain: I'm you!  
  
Kain from a few days ago: You me?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Kain from a few days ago: (pointing to Kain) This vampire is my defendant!  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (confused) Okay, I don't remember getting high before  
  
coming here so what's going on?  
  
Kain: I'm from the future!  
  
Kain from a few days ago: Yeah, Kain's my best friend, he'll defend me!  
  
Raziel: Don't forget about me!  
  
Kain and Kain from a few days ago: (to Raziel) Shut up ingrate!  
  
Kain from a few days ago: I can't stand Razzyboy!  
  
Kain: Same here!  
  
Raziel: Oh great, I'm double hated.  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (clearly confused) Okay, what in the holy hell is going on  
  
here!? We'll never even get this trial started!  
  
Kain: Kain's innocent!  
  
Zephon's voice: Yeah!  
  
Rahab: Well technically, Kain isn't innocent. You see-  
  
Kain: (punches Rahab) We're completely innocent!  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (confused) I need some headache medicine because I  
  
don't think this could get anymore confusing.  
  
(then another set of Kain and the lieutenants materialized in the court room as well.  
  
Well all the lieutenants except Turel, who was mysteriously missing. Zephon's actual  
  
body was there and Kain from a few days from now had his hair all spikey, had star-  
  
shaped glasses on, and pink vest on, leopard clothing on, and it looked like he had  
  
boobs)  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (seeing 3 Kain's now) Okay, now there are 3 Kains in  
  
one room. Now this is just re-goddamn-diculous.  
  
Kain from a few days from now: Hello Kains. (sees present Kain) I look so well right  
  
now.  
  
Kain and Kain from a few days ago: What the hell has happened to us!?  
  
Kain from a few days from now: You don't need to know yet.  
  
Zephon's voice: (sees himself from a few days from now) It's me! How!?  
  
Zephon: You end up finding a way.  
  
Zephon's voice: Wow!  
  
Turel: (notices he is missing) Whoa, where am I?  
  
Raziel from a few days from now: Let's just say the name Ishmael has something to do  
  
with it.  
  
Turel: Ishmael?  
  
Kain from a few days from now: I'm here to help! I know the truth! Kain did it! (points  
  
at the present Kain)  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: H-how?  
  
Kain from a few days from now: He traveled to the past to kill someone making this  
  
other Kain from the past get into trouble! Haha!  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: What the hell did that just mean? This is so confusing.  
  
Kain: Kain you bastard, why are you getting me in trouble!?  
  
Kain from a few days from now: Because I already know how this ends so I'll enjoy  
  
watching you suffer.  
  
Kain and Kain from a few days ago: I hate you Kain.  
  
(just then the lieutenants from a few days ago storm in)  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: (decides to take some anti-headache medicine) What the  
  
hell, what the hell, what the hell?  
  
Raziel from a few days ago: (unsure about what to think) Um...I'm unsure about  
  
what to think.  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: Okay, okay. Just point to whoever did this.  
  
(then all the Kains pointed at each other)  
  
Kain from a few days from now: (snatches present Kain's time-streaming device) Haha,  
  
now what you gonna do!? We're off!  
  
Kain: Wait, that's mine!  
  
(then the Kain from a few days from now and those lieutenants disappeared)  
  
Kain: That was mine you gay looking freak!  
  
Dumah: Are you aware you just called yourself gay looking?  
  
Kain: (irritated sigh) Yes I am Dumah, thank you.  
  
Dumah: You're welcome.  
  
Moebius from a few days ago: Okay, this is just to damn stupid, you're both going to  
  
jail.  
  
Kain: Oh no, not again!  
  
(then Vorador from a few days ago busted in on a horse just like in the first chapter  
  
and everything that happened from the first chapter from this part happened again, but  
  
this time 2 Kains were knocked out and 2 Razzyboy's chased after Moebius from a few  
  
days ago. Zephon was still in Kain, so he got knocked out too. After the past and  
  
present lieutenants ran out, Janos was left in the courtroom alone)  
  
Janos: That made no sense and I don't want to know.  
  
  
  
[Meanwhile, in the present, Vorador was carrying Go Dog Go trying to hide it from  
  
Janos. Vorador went to Umah's chambers]  
  
Vorador: Ahh!! You're here?  
  
Umah: Of course. Where are the others?  
  
(then Janos ran in after hearing the question)  
  
Janos: Um...they had to go to town to get shaved!  
  
Umah: Are you sure?  
  
Vorador: Yes. They had to get their pubes shaved!  
  
Janos: Vorador, you sick perverted bastard. (then he saw the Go Dog Go book)  
  
Vorador: Bye Umah.  
  
Janos: You have the book! (then Janos beat the crap out of Vorador)  
  
Umah: What the hell's going on? Oh well, boys will be boys.  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
Aha! I bet you didn't think Kain would be the one who framed Kain huh? Well, I'm not too sure how the next chapter will end up, but I hope you liked this chapter! I always wondered about Easter Island. Well, don't forget to review! 


	7. History Abhors Paradoxi

Disclaimer: Do I own LoK? That's an interesting question. And the interesting answer is  
  
no I don't  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
*A/N: Okay, last chapter did get confusing, so here's a summarized version of the end part with three Kains. Future Kain teleported in, told on present Kain and past Kain, then future Kain stole present Kain's time- streaming device than teleported away, leaving present Kain stuck in the past. Then it ended the same way the first chapter did. Not sure how to make it clearer than that*  
  
[The time is the present. The scene is the Pillars. Janos, Vorador, and Umah  
  
are planning a party]  
  
Umah: (to Vorador and Janos) Get your butts over here, I'm planning a party!  
  
Janos: A party!? Yay, I love parties! Who should we invite?  
  
Vorador: (looking at Moebius' hands) Am I simply strange or does Moebius have HUGE  
  
ass hands!? I mean, his hands are bigger than his body!  
  
(Umah and Janos just stare at Vorador like he's an idiot or something)  
  
Vorador: I'd hate to get bitch-slapped by these hands! My head would get knocked off!  
  
Umah: Vorador, shut up before I kill you.  
  
Vorador: Don't speak to me like that! I'll get Moebius' balloon hands to knock your block  
  
off! Hahaha!  
  
(then Janos slapped him)  
  
Janos: Get a hold of yourself retard!  
  
Vorador: Thanks Janos, I needed that.  
  
Umah: Anywho, what kind of party should it be?  
  
Vorador: I think it should be one of those parties where everyone comes naked.  
  
Umah: (stares at him)  
  
(then Sebastion pops in)  
  
Sebastion: Did I just here nudist party?  
  
Umah: (rolls eyes) No Sebastion, go away.  
  
Sebastion: Are you sure?  
  
Janos: Yes we're sure. Now go away!  
  
Sebastion: Where's Zephon?  
  
Umah: In the past.  
  
Sebastion: Well, when he comes back, tell him to meet us nudists. We're putting on a  
  
play!  
  
Janos: Doesn't that involve wearing clothes?  
  
Sebastion: Yes.  
  
Vorador: Aw damn it! I wanted to see Umah naked.  
  
Umah: Why does everyone want to see me naked!?  
  
Janos: Anyway, we'll tell him.  
  
Sebastion: We could have a fancy dress party.  
  
Janos: Good idea!  
  
Umah: (to Sebastion) Why are you still here?  
  
Sebastion: Just calm down Ms. U.  
  
Vorador: I want to come dressed as a fried onion.  
  
Janos: Why a fried onion?  
  
Vorador: I love fried onions.  
  
Janos: You look freaky and retarded enough having Moebius' body.  
  
Vorador: Yeah! Moebius has such BIG hands!  
  
Janos: I want to come dressed as a guru.  
  
Sebastion: Yeah, guru's kick total butt. They're rad!  
  
Umah: (to Sebastion) Yes, they're "rad." But why are you still here?  
  
Sebastion: Take it easy girl.  
  
Janos: Hey Umah, what're you gonna dress up as?  
  
Umah: I don't know...  
  
Sebastion: Can I invite the other two? Marcus is a big celebrity, he'd make things even  
  
better!  
  
Janos: Sure. Guru's love everyone!  
  
Vorador: Maybe I should be dressed as Kevorkian?  
  
Umah: (annoyed sigh) You need help Vorador.  
  
Sebastion: Hey, I think Dean Earwicker should come too. He's my drinking buddy!  
  
Vorador: Who the hell IS Dean Earwicker anyway?  
  
Sebastion: I don't know. I met him when I was getting de-loused.  
  
  
  
[Anyway, back in the past, the past Kain and the present Kain went getting  
  
sent by one of those trams or whatever that Kain would have to use in BO2  
  
to the Eternal Prison]  
  
Kain: I HATE KAIN!  
  
Past Kain: I hate future Kain!  
  
Kain: That's what I meant! But I hate you too!  
  
Zephon's voice: Hey guys, what's going on?  
  
Kain: Zephon, I hate you too!  
  
Past Kain: (to present Kain) Kain, you suck!  
  
Kain: Well you suck too past Kain! I've seen the future and you aren't in it!  
  
Past Kain: That's mean! Idiot!  
  
Zephon's voice: Why am I stuck with TWO Kains!? (sighs)  
  
Past Kain: Shut up Zephon!  
  
Kain: Yeah!  
  
Zephon's voice: (singing voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but  
  
Elder God. Nobody knows-(then he stops singing) Wait, should that be Elder God or  
  
did I screw that one up?  
  
Kain and past Kain: I hate you Zephon!  
  
(then they here a pounding on the roof and the present lieutenants dropped in)  
  
Raziel: Hey Kains!  
  
Zephon's voice: A-HEM!!  
  
Raziel: ...and Zephon.  
  
Kain: What are you doing here ingrate?  
  
Past Kain: Yeah ingrate!  
  
Raziel: (to the past Kain) I'm not YOUR Raziel!  
  
Kain: (seeing Dumah) Ah, I almost missed you Dumah!  
  
Raziel: Did you miss me?  
  
Kain: Yes I did. Many a time I'd wish you were here-  
  
Raziel: Yay!  
  
Kain: --going through this hell instead of me.  
  
Raziel: (sad puppy dog face)  
  
Past Kain: Razzyboy has a yellow eye.  
  
Raziel: (annoyed sigh)  
  
Rahab: Anyway, we have a plan to help you escape before you get sent to the Eternal  
  
Prison once again.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Melchiah: Throw you off this thing.  
  
Kain: What about Moebius and the guards?  
  
Turel: The past lieutenants are distracting them.  
  
Kain: But I'd still be stuck in this time! You guys are STILL losers!  
  
Raziel: (very PO'ed) HEY, WE'RE GETTING YOUR SORRY STUCK-UP ASS OUT OF HERE  
  
SO YOU WON'T SUFFER ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULD LET THEM HANG YOU  
  
UP BY YOUR ****ING NECK AND ROT AND DIE THERE, BUT I'M STICKING MY DAMN  
  
NECK OUT TO HELP YOUR SORRY ****ING BUTT, SO STOP BEING SUCH AN  
  
UNBEARABLE UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE AND JUST BE THANKFUL!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: (stunned silence)  
  
Zephon's voice: Damn!  
  
Kain: (very stunned) O-o-o-o-o-okay. I'll c-c-c-c-c-c-c-come...  
  
Raziel: (sweet innocent voice) Thank you.  
  
Past Kain: What about me?  
  
Kain: Screw you!  
  
(so the present Kain and the present lieutenants got on top of the roof and tried to  
  
think of a way to get Kain back to the present time)  
  
Dumah: We're screwed.  
  
Zephon's voice: I'm doomed to stay in Kain forever.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah! (then Raziel reveals past Zephon tied up)  
  
Zephon's voice: It's me!  
  
Rahab: Yeah! We're gonna cut off his arm and put YOUR arm in its place so you'll be  
  
you again!  
  
Zephon's voice: Alright!  
  
Past Zephon: What?  
  
Raziel: It was gonna happen anyway!  
  
Zephon's voice: Yeah!  
  
Kain: What about my arm?  
  
Raziel: Gonna take your past Kain arm!  
  
Kain: Deal!  
  
Past Zephon: Deal!?  
  
Past Kain: (from inside) Deal!?  
  
(so the present lieutenants knocked out past Kain and past Zephon, done all of the  
  
proper operations and Zephon was in his body again and Kain had his arm)  
  
Zephon: Whoa, I'm me again!  
  
Kain: What are we gonna do?  
  
(then they climbed back into the tram to see the unconscious past Zephon and past  
  
Kain)  
  
Kain: Hehe, they must be so confused!  
  
(so then they all sat there trying to think of how to escape. Everyone quickly got bored,  
  
and when Turel got bored, he tried to think of something to sing. He finally did)  
  
Turel: (starts singing) I'm singing in a train  
  
I'm singing in a train  
  
What a wonderful feeling  
  
I'm happy again  
  
Just singin'  
  
In a train!  
  
(then Kain backhands Turel)  
  
Turel: Ow!  
  
Kain; SHUT UP! I hate your singing!  
  
Raziel: How do we get out?  
  
Kain: This is a tram anyway!  
  
(then present Moebius teleported in)  
  
Raziel: It's Moebius!  
  
Melchiah: Which Moebius?  
  
Moebius: The present Moebius.  
  
Turel: Give us proof!  
  
Moebius: (in a sad tone) You were hitting on my mom.  
  
Turel: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that's the present Moebius!  
  
Kain: So what are you doing here you disgusting disgraceful pile of filth?  
  
Moebius: I came to tell you a message that I just now found out!  
  
Kain: Wait! How'd you get here?  
  
Moebius: I time traveled. Wanna come?  
  
Zephon: Naw, we wanted to stay here and die! Idiot!  
  
Moebius: Anyway, Kain. Mortanius never told you what happened to your father.  
  
Kain: DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE MY FATHER!!  
  
Moebius: Kain...I am your...  
  
Melchiah: Suspense killing me.  
  
Moebius: ...son.  
  
Kain: (relieved) Yes, you're not my dad! Woo hoo! Ya-WHAT!? MY SON!!  
  
Raziel: OH MY LORD!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS!  
  
Kain: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-how? HOW!?  
  
Moebius: It has to do with confusing time travel.  
  
Kain: (irritated) No, time travel gives me headaches!  
  
Dumah: (to Moebius) You're my bro!!  
  
Moebius: Yep.  
  
Dumah: I don't want to exist.  
  
Moebius: I know some hip clothes I could wear! (then Moebius teleports away)  
  
Raziel: I need to get drunk.  
  
Rahab: That is never the answer. Getting drunk or doing drugs is NEVER the answer!  
  
Harmless?  
  
Melchiah: Okay, I everyone sponsoring something other than me?  
  
Turel: I sponsor Broadway.  
  
Kain: The two things I hate most is time travel and Moebius. Now they're brought  
  
together! Help me!  
  
(then Moebius reappeared wearing very baggy blue jeans, a white see-through t-shirt, a  
  
gold necklace with a gold circle with the word "M" on it, wearing a cap backwards and  
  
wearing sunglasses. In other words, he looked like a white rapper)  
  
Turel: Oh no. No no no no. The last white rapper that was ever good was Vanilla Ice  
  
and you sure as hell aren't any Vanilla Ice.  
  
Moebius: I thought that since I'm one of you guys, I could dress cool like you!  
  
Raziel: You are so stupid. Anyway, let's go.  
  
Moebius: Okay.  
  
(then Moebius teleported them all out of there)  
  
[In ancient mythology-timed Greek, there were many great mythologies. One is about  
  
to be discovered when Kain, the lieutenants, and Moebius appeared out of nowhere]  
  
Kain: Damn, why can't we ever simply time travel anywhere!?  
  
Moebius: I don't know.  
  
Dumah: I so hate you Moebius.  
  
Kain: I'm hungry.  
  
(so Kain went up to someone and tapped on the person's shoulder. The person turned  
  
around)  
  
???: Hello, my name is Abel. I would-  
  
(then Kain slew Abel)  
  
Kain: There, my anger is quarried.  
  
Dumah: Why must Kain talk like he's high-classed? My anger has been quarried? You're  
  
supposed to say, "There, I've beat the crap outta you."  
  
Kain: Shut up!  
  
Rahab: Wow. Kain slew Abel.  
  
Kain: Oh, happy happy Kain.  
  
Moebius: Let's see if I can get us out of here.  
  
(then Moebius teleports them out of there)  
  
  
  
[Well, I believe EVERYONE knows about Noah's Ark, and by that alone I believe  
  
everyone has an idea of what's about to happen. Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius  
  
teleport in front of the infamous big boat]  
  
Noah: ...and 2 zebras. There, I think that's it. (he looks up and sees the 7 vamps,  
  
plus a half old dude half vamp) Oh damn it all! Just when I think I have them all, more  
  
come along! There are 8 so they can be divided up! Just get on!  
  
Dumah: Use the staff!  
  
(then Noah snatches the staff and throws the 8 onboard and the boat sets off)  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh)  
  
Moebius: Don't worry, I can get us out of here. I speak zebra.  
  
Raziel: ?  
  
Meobius: (speaking zebra to one of the 2 zebras) Eeeeeewonka eeenowken plowkin  
  
dermidee dermada doley.  
  
Zephon: (just stares at him like he's an idiot. Then finally) AWESOME! TEACH ME!  
  
TEACH ME! WAHOO!  
  
Dumah: Yahoo! Trademarked Yahoo of course.  
  
Kain: I'm so trapped with a bunch of retards on a boat.  
  
Moebius: The zebras say they know a way out.  
  
Kain: (irritated stare)  
  
Zephon: AWESOME! I WANNA SPEAK ZEBRA!  
  
Moebius: Well I trust them!  
  
Kain: Stupid nature-loving hippy.  
  
(so Moebius found a secret door leading to a ladder to get to the top of the boat!)  
  
Moebius: I knew the zebras wouldn't lie!  
  
Kain: What? But they're just stupid animals!  
  
(then Dumah walked up to them while patting his belly)  
  
Dumah: Yum yum yum. I'm full now.  
  
Rahab: Please don't tell me that you ATE an animal Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Yep. Bunny never tasted better.  
  
Rahab: Now you've caused a major paradox that can only be un-done by lots of very  
  
confusing time travel.  
  
Kain: Arghhh! I hate paradoxi! It's confusing and gives me a headache! Good going  
  
Dumah, you screwed things up!  
  
Dumah: But aren't you supposed to blame Razzyboy?  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. (then he looked at Raziel) Good going Razzyboy, you screwed things up!  
  
Raziel: I hate Dumah.  
  
Dumah: I'm going to eat another animal.  
  
Rahab: No! You already ate a bunny, that's bad enough!  
  
Dumah: I hear that an aardvark would make a lovely clothing line.  
  
(then Dumah went to search for 2 aardvarks)  
  
Turel: Let's just leave without him.  
  
Kain: I can't leave without my FAVORITE SON Dumah, now can I?  
  
Moebius: How are we going to get my stick back?  
  
Kain: Kill Noah for it.  
  
Rahab: But that would cause a major paradox.  
  
Kain: (walks slowly up to Rahab's face) I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT PARADOXI  
  
ANYMORE! IT'S STUPID AND CONFUSING!  
  
Rahab: It's paradoxes.  
  
(then Dumah returned empty-handed)  
  
Dumah: The idiot Noah forgot about aardvarks.  
  
Kain: Let's go.  
  
(so they all went to the top of the boat and confronted Noah)  
  
Kain: Noah you pansy, give us our stick!  
  
Noah: No. How'd you escape?  
  
Dumah: Oh, and you forgot 2 aardvarks.  
  
Noah: I knew I was missing something. OH DAMN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT  
  
2 AARDVARKS. ALL MY HARD WORK AND I SCREW UP. AW CRAP MAN! I CAN'T  
  
BELIEVE THIS!  
  
Dumah: Hahaha, I love seeing people upset!  
  
Noah: (to Dumah) It's your fault! (then Noah wielded Moebius' stick)  
  
Melchiah: Hey Dumah, you've got a bit of bunny sticking out your teeth.  
  
Noah: BUNNY!? BUNNY?  
  
Dumah: You did that on purpose didn't you, Melchiah?  
  
Melchiah: Hahahahahaha!  
  
Turel: (to Melchiah) Good one.  
  
Noah: Ickyickypootang!  
  
Dumah: Ickyickypootang?  
  
Noah: That's my war cry!  
  
(then Noah smacked Dumah in the head with the stick, then he lifted Dumah up with  
  
the stick and slammed Dumah down. Noah then proceeded to repeatedly slam the stick  
  
into Dumah over and over again)  
  
Kain: Come on Dumah, stop playing around.  
  
Dumah: Ow!  
  
(then Noah picked up Dumah and jumped on Dumah's shoulders, where Noah would  
  
take one foot at a time and kick Dumah's head)  
  
Dumah: Ow! (kicked) Ow! (kicked) Ow! Make it stop!  
  
(then Noah jumped back to the ground and jump-kicked Dumah, sending Dumah to the  
  
ledge of the boat)  
  
Kain: Hey Noah, no one beats up my FAVORITE SON!  
  
(then Noah slammed the stick into Kain's head, but it didn't hurt Kain)  
  
Kain: Haha, you can't hurt me because all of my nerve endings have been destroyed  
  
when I Immolated myself a few hours ago! I did it to see if it would destroy my nerve  
  
endings!  
  
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's chest)  
  
Kain: Nope. No hurt-e. No nerve endings anywhere that I can think of.  
  
(so Noah slammed the stick against Kain's kneecaps)  
  
Kain: Hahahahaha!  
  
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's groin)  
  
Kain: No nerve endings! But you've just gotten personal.  
  
(then Kain picked up Noah, stole the stick, and threw Noah down into the ship)  
  
Kain: Got the stick.  
  
Rahab: You know, what you've just done to Noah WILL cause I paradox.  
  
Kain: I DON'T CARE!!!  
  
Moebius: My staff!  
  
Kain: No! I'll use it!  
  
(then Dumah walked over)  
  
Dumah: Has anyone got a Band-Aid?  
  
Turel: Oh! I sponsor Band-Aids!  
  
Moebius: You don't know how to use my staff!  
  
Kain: Oh, I'm sure I can work this.  
  
(so Kain twirled around the staff and accidentally stepped on it and they disappeared)  
  
[Back at the Present Time, Umah, Vorador, and Janos were enjoying the  
  
party they started. Janos was a guru, Vorador was Dr. Kevorkian, and Umah  
  
was dressed as Kain. Tons of other people from the LoK universe were there  
  
as well]  
  
Umah: I look so cool.  
  
Janos: Yes. For a guru accepts everyone.  
  
Vorador: Even me?  
  
Janos: I just plain feel sorry for you for having Moebius' body.  
  
(then Marcus, Sebastion, and Faustus walk up)  
  
Marcus: Hello people.  
  
(then a lot of people and creatures surrounded Marcus because almost everyone in  
  
Nosgoth were Marcus fans after seeing his movie "Can't Catch Me")  
  
Fan girls: (an amazing 100 fan girls) IT'S MARCUS! WE LOVE YOU MARCUS! YOU'RE SO  
  
HANDSOME WITH THAT GLEAMING BALD HEAD!  
  
Hash: MARCUS! I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN! YOUR BALD HEAD GLEAMS SO WELL THAT  
  
I CAN SEE MYSELF IN IT! YAY!  
  
Marcus: Do you people want to see a preview for "Still Can't Catch Me?"  
  
Fan girls: YES!!  
  
Hash: (jumping up and down excited) YES!! YAY YAY! LEMME LEMME SEE!  
  
Faustus: (to Umah) He's such a celebrity! Just like Bill Clinton!  
  
Sebastion: (to Umah) Yes, he also says that WE can be in his next movie! Me, Faustus,  
  
and even Dean Earwicker! (then Sebastion sees Vorador) AHH!!! (then Sebastion runs  
  
away)  
  
Faustus: What's his problem? (then Faustus sees Vorador) HOLY HELL! (then Faustus  
  
runs away)  
  
Vorador: Wow, I have a really cool costume!  
  
Marcus: (shouting out) Wanna see a trailer to "Still Can't Catch Me?"  
  
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YES!! WE WANNA SEE!!  
  
Hash: OH MY LORD, I'M IN MARCUS' PRESENCE! I AM SO PROUD! I AM SO GRATEFUL!  
  
(Marcus walks over to Umah)  
  
Marcus: Damn Kain, you look ugly!  
  
Umah: It's me, Umah.  
  
Marcus: Wow, good costume! Hey, have you got a tape player?  
  
Umah: Yep.  
  
Marcus: I need to borrow it.  
  
Umah: Okay.  
  
(to Marcus sets up the tape player and is ready to play the tape)  
  
Marcus: Here you go people!  
  
Hash: OHMYGOD YES!! I WANNA SEE MARCUS! MARCUS MARCUS MARCUS!  
  
Magnus: MARCUS IS MY FRIEND!  
  
(then Marcus plays the trailer for the movie. The words "Still Can't Catch Me" appear on  
  
the screen, followed by a clip of the movie which has Marcus saying "Can't catch me"  
  
and then the movie clip was over. Everyone just stood in silence. Then)  
  
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YAY!! THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!  
  
Hash: I WOULD GIVE MY LEFT EAR LOBE JUST TO VIEW THAT AGAIN! MARCUS IS A  
  
SAVIOR! YAY MARCUS!  
  
(just then, Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius teleport in)  
  
Rahab: (to Kain) On our way back, you shouldn't have told Einstein that E=MC cubed.  
  
That had to have caused a major paradox.  
  
(then Kain saw everyone)  
  
Kain: What in the hole of hell is going on here!?  
  
Umah: Uh-oh.  
  
Rahab: I've seen some of the future from the Chronoplast, and this isn't supposed to  
  
happen. This is a paradox.  
  
(then Kain looses it)  
  
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID PARADOXI! PARADOXI ARE STUPID, CONFUSING,  
  
AND GIVE ME A HEADACHE! I NEVER WANNA TIME TRAVEL AGAIN BECAUSE I'D  
  
CUASE ANOTHER STUPID CONFUSING PARADOX!  
  
Rahab: But what about when your future self teleported into that court room?  
  
Kain: I DON'T EVEN GIVE 2 DAMNS ANYMORE! PARADOXI ARE STUPID AND  
  
CONFUSING! ARGHH!!  
  
Marcus: KAIN LOOKS LIKE MEAT!  
  
Moebius: So what are you saying, Big Daddy?  
  
Kain: I'm saying...Big Daddy? Anyway, I'm saying, time travel is stupid and I'll never  
  
do it again! Paradoxi are too confusing!  
  
Zephon: Okay, you've said your peace. Hey, there's a party going on! Woohoo!  
  
Kain: What the hell is going on!?  
  
Seer: (walking up to Kain) You are stressed out.  
  
Kain: Well thank you Ms. Stating-the-obvious! Why are you here?  
  
Seer: Partying. Here, take this anti-stress medicine.  
  
(so Kain took the medicine and was immediately non-stressed)  
  
Kain: You know, I like rainbows. They're pretty.  
  
Raziel: (to the Seer) What'd you give him?  
  
Seer: That same calming medication that I have before.  
  
Raziel: You mean from when we were filming?  
  
Seer: Yep.  
  
Raziel: This will be fun.  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
Now that Kain's back on his calming medication, what will Razzyboy do to get back at Kain? Find out in the next chapter! Review. Oh, and paradoxing is really starting to get confusing, so I just said "Screw it." 


	8. The Medication Returns

Disclamier: No own LoK no own its characters  
  
_______________________________________________  
  
  
  
[The scene was the Pillars and the lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were discussing what kind of revenge to exact of Kain since he was once again on his medication]  
  
Raziel: Okay, we are here to discuss revenge against Kain! Any suggestions?  
  
Turel: I suggest we take him to a Star Trek convention and tell people that he is a  
  
retarded borg!  
  
Melchiah: I think-  
  
Dumah: No one cares about you Melchiah! I say we take him to a meat processing  
  
factory, put him in it, and let him get chopped up where I will BEAT WHAT'S LEFT OF  
  
HIM INTO A BLOODY PULP! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
(they all just stare at him)  
  
Dumah: Geeheehee.  
  
Raziel: ...how about NOT Dumah?  
  
Dumah: Aw, you're no fun!  
  
Rahab: I like Turel's suggestion.  
  
Dumah: (to Rahab) No one likes you either NERD! We should take him to an Ozzy  
  
Osbourne concert and see if we can get Ozzy to bite his head off! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel: (annoyed sigh) Jesus christ Dumah, just shut up.  
  
Moebius: I say we take Big Daddy Kainy and exploit his secrets about his mother  
  
thinking he was a girl, you foo's.  
  
Dumah: It's "fools", not "foo's" you retarded monkey!  
  
Moebius: Not when you're a white rapper you homophobe.  
  
Dumah: What?  
  
Raziel: Moebius, shut up.  
  
Dumah: Gahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel: (to Dumah) You shut up too, you freak!  
  
Umah: I say we take him swimming.  
  
Raziel: Nah, we can do that anytime. We need to do something that we could only get  
  
away with when he's medicated.  
  
Moebius: Hey Hum Daddy Razzy, how about we put him on television?  
  
Raziel: Hum Daddy Razzy? I like it! That's a good idea Moe.  
  
Moebius: Hum Daddy Razzy nicknamed me! Moe! I love that!  
  
Raziel: But I've got the ultimate idea! We let him host his own kids' show!  
  
Umah: Brilliant! You've definitely got some of your evil father in you.  
  
Raziel: Thanks. I think.  
  
Moebius: You hip Hum Daddy Razzy!  
  
Dumah: Hey Moe, do I get a name?  
  
Moebius: Of course Hermaphroditey Dumey.  
  
Dumah: Don't call me Hermaphroditey Dumey!  
  
Turel: Where is Kain anyway? It's not safe to unleash a medicated Kain.  
  
Umah: He's out trying to solve world-hunger.  
  
Dumah: Yeah, if I did that, I would solve world-hunger and tell no one that I did!  
  
Raziel: You really are a pain Dumah, you know that right?  
  
Dumah: Yep. And I'm proud of it!  
  
Raziel: Kain will host his own kids' show. This is gonna be great! Hahahaha!  
  
(so Zephon was made to go fetch Kain. But Zephon got lost by the time he got to  
  
Ushte-something, he saw a sarafan impale a vampire and the sarafan ran away.  
  
Zephon ran up to the speared vampire)  
  
Speared Vampire: (pointing to the spear that he was impaled on)  
  
Zephon: (confused, but then understood what was going on) CHARADES! Yay!  
  
Speared Vampire: (rolls eyes) No you idiot, get this spear out of me!  
  
Zephon: Wait! You can't talk during charades!  
  
Speared Vampire: This isn't charades you retard!  
  
Zephon: You pointed one finger at me so this charade involves 1 word.  
  
Speared Vampire: (annoyed sigh) What an idiot.  
  
Zephon: Aha! 1 word! (sees the vampire point toward the spear) What could it be?  
  
(then the speared vampire got PO'ed and had a new idea. He pointed to a rock)  
  
Zephon: Aha! It's a rock! That's the charade!  
  
(then the speared vampire gave a thumbs up and Zephon handed him the rock)  
  
Zephon: What'cha gonna do with the rock?  
  
(then the speared vampire chucked the rock and it hit Zephon then the speared  
  
vampire died)  
  
Zephon: Ow! Hey, what next?  
  
(no movement)  
  
Zephon: What next?  
  
(still no movement)  
  
Zephon: Okay, you're not even listening! Now you're just being rude. Fine, I'll go  
  
somewhere else!  
  
(then Zephon left. Zephon kept wondering around until he found Kain atop a mountain.  
  
Kain was sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed)  
  
Zephon: Kain! What'cha doing?  
  
Kain: I'm meditating my promising loving son.  
  
Zephon; Well, we need you.  
  
Kain: Okay. I just got done meditating, trying to lose my evil side and have my good  
  
side come shining through like a lovely rainbow after a soothing rain.  
  
Zephon: Yeah. Hippy.  
  
(then Zephon led Kain back to the Pillars)  
  
Raziel: Kain! We've got an offer for you!  
  
Kain: For me!? Yay!  
  
Raziel: It's something wonderfully fantastically good to Kain.  
  
Kain: Yay! Something wonderfully fantastically good for Kain! (then Kain was jumping  
  
around so happily)  
  
Raziel: You like children right?  
  
Kain: Yippee! Children are so cute and fuzzy and seeing their smiles brings a warm,  
  
fuzzy feeling inside! Just like butterflies and rainbows!  
  
Dumah: Yes, that's nice. Gay idiot.  
  
Kain: What was that, Nosgoth's strongest vampire alive with muscles like steel?  
  
Dumah: Aw, I can't stay mad at you!  
  
(then they hug)  
  
Rahab: (mockingly to Dumah) Now who's the gay one?  
  
Dumah: Screw you!  
  
Raziel: Good one Rahab.  
  
Kain: I love kids! They are SO beautiful! Pink is a pretty color.  
  
Zephon: Haha.  
  
Raziel: Do you want to host your own kids' show?  
  
Kain: (then Kain squealed in delight and started bouncing around excited) Yay! I  
  
WOULD LOVE TO! YAY! (then Kain pranced around then while clapping his hands)  
  
Raziel: We would love you to as well.  
  
Moebius: Yay, this is gonna be fun! Go get 'em Big Daddy Kainy!  
  
  
  
[The scene is now the set of Kain's kids' show. The lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were in the audience watching. The set was basically a wooden house with a chair and various other items. Kain then skipped onto the scene wearing the stupid looking clothes that has future self was wearing in chapter 6. There were, of course, children in the audience]  
  
Kain: (super-preppy) Hey boys and girls! We are going to have mountains of fun in my  
  
house! (then Kain started tap-dancing) Who knows, maybe you gentle kids can dance  
  
better than me!  
  
(then Kain went to his chair and drew eyes and a mouth on the chair)  
  
Kain: Hey kids, meet my partner Chairy! (then Kain hopped up and down and clapped)  
  
Kain (using a slow-pitched voice): Hey kids, I'm Chairy! Welcome to my show.  
  
Kain: Your show? Oh Chairy, you have to learn to share!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: But why share? Share is for ninnies!  
  
Kain: (shocked) No it isn't Chairy! Sharing is what binds us together in love!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: What's love? Us chairs don't know much about love.  
  
Kain: Aw, poor Chairy, he doesn't know about love. Well, I'll teach you. (to the  
  
audience) Do you kids want to help us teach Chairy about love?  
  
Kids in audience: Yes!  
  
Zephon: Woohoo!  
  
Kain: Yay! Love is beautiful. Like dolphins and rainbows and butterflies. Those are a few  
  
of my favorite things!  
  
Kain with Chairy voice: I'm glad you're here to teach me about love.  
  
Turel: Sing a song about love!  
  
Kain: Good idea my musically genius son! Someone get me a banjo!  
  
(so Dumah threw a banjo at Kain, hitting Kain)  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) You accidentally hit me!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Sing for me.  
  
Kain: Not now. We'll save that for the end.  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Introduce your assistant.  
  
Kain: Good idea my lovable chair! Here's my assistants: Mabes and Janos.  
  
(so then Mabes and Janos come hopping out from off-stage)  
  
Mabes: Kain and Chairy!  
  
Janos: Chairy and...Kain!?  
  
Kain: It's Mabes and the luscious young vampire Janos! Clap for them people!  
  
Dumah: (he and the others are in the audience) You know, if I was a woman and I saw  
  
Mabes, then it'd turn into a lesbian.  
  
Umah: Luscious Janos?  
  
Melchiah: Ah, it's so beautiful seeing Kain's warm side.  
  
(back on the show)  
  
Kain: Hey peoples, Chairy doesn't know about love!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: We chairs don't have mates. We just have Lazzyboy.  
  
Janos: Aw, that's so sad.  
  
Mabes: SAD! SAD BAD! SAD BAD RHYMES! TEEHEE!  
  
Kain: Let's cheer Chairy up! Let's talk about some of our favorite things!  
  
Janos: Yes, lets.  
  
Kain: Well, there's raindrops and roses and roses on kittens, rainbows and dolphins and  
  
butterflies, midgets and sunshine and fuzzy warm mittens, those are a few of my  
  
favorite things!  
  
Turel: (in audience) Boo! Your singing sucks!  
  
Kain: Was that I negative comment!  
  
Janos: Come on Kain, let's turn that frown upside-down!  
  
Mabes: YAY! LET'S BE HAPPY! HAPPY LET'S BE! YAY!  
  
Kain: I love the color pink. And trees.  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: I love cotton and wool and my fuzzy coushins, smiles and joy  
  
and being gay!  
  
Dumah: (choking on his drink) Did he say gay!?  
  
Raziel: He means gay as in happy. Oh, and gays are people too!  
  
Dumah: Yeah, but you must remember, I'm a mean vampire who only likes myself.  
  
Raziel: That's true.  
  
(back on the set)  
  
Kain: Gee, it sure is swell seeing so many smiling faces!  
  
Janos: Aw, that's awfully kind of you.  
  
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT ME! WHAT ABOUT ME!  
  
Kain: You're perty.  
  
Mabes: (jumping up and down excited) YAY! I'M PERTY! I'M PERTY!  
  
(in the audience)  
  
Dumah: And no one sees a problem with a woman like that jumping up and down? I  
  
love cable television. Isn't that what this is?  
  
Rahab: Yes it is, my hormonally charged brother.  
  
(back on the set)  
  
Kain: What do you fine young vampires wanna do today?  
  
Janos: A treasure hunt!  
  
Mabes: TREASURE HUNT! TREASURE HUNT! YAY YAY!  
  
Kain: I wanna be a pirate! Arghh!  
  
Janos: Yes, a pirate!  
  
Mabes: And I can be the one that steals the booty!  
  
(in the audience)  
  
Dumah: (choking again)  
  
Rahab: You okay?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, I'm okay. I'm absolutely fine.  
  
Zephon: Well, I think Mabes is hot.  
  
Dumah: She's mine!  
  
(back on the set)  
  
Kain: (wearing a pirate bandana, a very low cut shirt, an eye patch, and a piece of  
  
wood) Arghh! Me a pirate!  
  
Janos: (throwing his arms in the air) Ahh! Someone help me!  
  
Kain: Where's my booty?  
  
Janos: I thought it was behind you.  
  
Kain: No! Someone snatched by booty right behind my back!  
  
Janos: But I work with you! Why would I grab your booty?  
  
Kain: Because you liked what was inside! You knew there were gold coins in my booty!  
  
(then Mabes appeared dressed as a parrot)  
  
Mabes: ME, ULTRA LARGE PARROT WOMAN, SNATCHED YOUR BOOTY. AND ME IS  
  
GONNA USE ITS CONTENTS BEFORE YOU CAN SAVE YOUR BOOTY! TEEHEEHEE!  
  
(back in the audience)  
  
Dumah: Okay, I don't think any of that needs my input.  
  
Raziel: (rolls eyes)  
  
Zephon: This is getting suspenseful.  
  
Moebius: Yes, but I already know the outcome.  
  
(back on stage)  
  
Mabes: ARGHH ARGHH ARGHH! (Mabes tied up Kain and Janos)  
  
Janos: Who can save us now?  
  
Kain: I believe I know the answer! Me best mate Chairy!  
  
(then Chairy was pushed on-stage, and Chairy had a bandana stapled on it and it still  
  
had the drawn-on eyes and mouth)  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: I'll save you Kain and Janos!  
  
Kain: Hurry hurry! I'm so scared I might wet myself! Someone help!  
  
Janos: Yes, help us Chairy! You're our last hope!  
  
(then someone off-stage pushes Chairy forward and it bumped into Mabes, who  
  
stumbled and fell back on the chair)  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Arghh haha! I've got you now!  
  
Mabes: I AM TRAPPED! TRAPPED I AM! OH NO!  
  
Kain: Quickly Chairy, defeat her!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: You will walk the plank!  
  
Mabes: NO NO! WILL YOU BE NICE TO ME IF I TURN GOOD? IF I TURN GOOD, BE  
  
NICE TO ME WILL YOU?  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Sure.  
  
(so Mabes gets up and unties Kain and Janos)  
  
Kain: There.  
  
Mabes: I'M ON YOUR SIDE! YOUR SIDE I'M ON!  
  
Janos: Now we're all friends! Isn't this lovely!?  
  
Kain: Now, do you know WHY you saved us Chairy?  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Um, the thought of life without you three fine people was oo  
  
much to bear because I have some strange warm feelings for you three.  
  
Kain: That strange warm feeling is love.  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: That's love? Then chairs are capable of love! I love you  
  
vampires!  
  
Janos: And we love you.  
  
Kain: So kids, what have we learned today? We've learned that love can save lives!  
  
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT THE SONG! THE SONG, WHAT ABOUT IT!?  
  
Janos: Oh yes, we almost forgot!  
  
Kain: (singing and playing the banjo) Now it's time for so long  
  
But we'll sing just one more song!  
  
Thanks for doing your part  
  
You sure are smart!  
  
You know, with me and you  
  
And my chair Chairy  
  
We can do anything  
  
That we wanna do!  
  
Janos: So long!  
  
Mabes: BYE-BYE!  
  
Kain: Toodley-pipsky!  
  
Kain using Chairy voice: Until next time...  
  
Kain, Janos, Mabes: Bye!  
  
(then the words "The End" appeared and the audience clapped and applauded)  
  
  
  
[The scene was then the Pillars again, and the lieutenants, Moebius, Umah, Kain, and Janos were there]  
  
Kain: So you kind lovable scraps, how'd you like my show?  
  
Rahab: That was cute...albeit strange.  
  
Dumah: Well, put bluntly, it was stupid.  
  
Janos: Hey, shut up!  
  
Kain: Janos! Calm down! Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and I respect that.  
  
Dumah: (to Kain) Shut up wussy!  
  
Kain: Things are getting to intense. I know what to do! (then Kain runs off)  
  
Raziel: Dumah, why do you have to be so mean?  
  
Dumah: It's fun!  
  
Janos: No it isn't!  
  
Dumah: Yes it is! Watch!  
  
(then Dumah gets out a banana pudding)  
  
Dumah: Hey Zephon.  
  
Zephon: (seeing the banana pudding) Banana pudding! Yum!  
  
Dumah: Fetch!  
  
(then Dumah throws it in Rahab's swimming pool and Zephon dives in after it)  
  
Zephon: (while in the water) Got it! Yay, I love pudding! It's yu-IT BURNS!!  
  
Dumah: Hahahaha! See, I told you being mean is fun!  
  
Turel: I so can't wait till someone kicks your butt Dumah.  
  
Janos: Yes, you are cruel.  
  
Dumah: (to Janos) Shut up, you gaybo!  
  
Raziel: ?  
  
Rahab: ?  
  
Zephon: ? (then:) IT BURNS!! I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS WATER!!  
  
Turel: ?  
  
Moebius: ?  
  
Janos: What's a gaybo?  
  
Dumah: You are a gaybo! Haha!  
  
Umah: If you're gonna insult someone, at least say a real word.  
  
Dumah: Hey, why am I considered the bad guy! I'm a little angel!  
  
Melchiah: AHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dumah: Shut up you gaybo!  
  
(then everyone started fighting and yelling each other except Zephon who just got out  
  
of the pool and ate his pudding. Everyone stopped fighting when they saw Kain walk in  
  
wearing blue mittens with butterflies on then, a pink and white polka- dotted apron, and  
  
a white fluffy chef's hat)  
  
Kain: Who wants cookies?  
  
Everyone: ME!!  
  
(then they all rushed to Kain and were eating the cookies he made)  
  
Kain: I love you guys! Oh, and Zephon, I was told to give you this.  
  
(Kain hands Zephon a chocolate pudding)  
  
Zephon: OH YUMMY! (he starts eating it) Oh yummy yummy yummy!  
  
Kain: And who wants early Christmas presents?  
  
Raziel: Oh my lord, I love Kain now!  
  
Dumah: Me too!  
  
Kain: I'll be right back. Let me get the presents!  
  
(then Kain left again)  
  
Melchiah: I think we should leave Kain on medication.  
  
Turel: Yeah.  
  
Moebius: Yeah, when he's medicated, he likes me!  
  
Raziel: Then that medication must be some powerful stuff.  
  
Moebius: Yeah cause nobody likes me!  
  
(then Kain walked in dressed as Santa Clause. He even had a bag of presents)  
  
Kain: Hohoho!  
  
Melchiah: (uber-excited) IT'S SANTS CLAUSE!! SANTA CAME EARLY!! I LOVE SANTA!!  
  
Umah: (to Raziel) He doesn't know that Santa's not real, does he?  
  
Raziel: Nope.  
  
Kain: Hohoho! Merry Christmas!  
  
Turel: Give us presents!  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
(Kain hands Dumah a box. The box has holes in it)  
  
Dumah: What is it?  
  
(Dumah opens the box to find...a maiming bird!)  
  
Dumah: A MAIMING BIRD! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE! I HAVE A MAIMING BIRD!  
  
(then the maiming bird flew off so it could maim something and Dumah followed it)  
  
Raziel: That probably wasn't a good idea. (then Kain hands Raziel a present) What's  
  
inside of this? (he opens it to find a Dumah plushy)  
  
Kain: I know how much so dislike Dumah so I got you a Dumah voodoo doll.  
  
Raziel: (eyes light up) YAY!!  
  
Kain: Ahh, Turel and Melchiah.  
  
Turel and Melchiah: What do we get! What do we get!  
  
Kain: You get...gyahh! Gyahhhhhh! Eechie! Grahhhhhh! (then the medication wore off)  
  
Melchiah: (to Turel) What did that just mean?  
  
Turel: (to Melchiah) Don't know.  
  
Kain: Let's get back to business. No, I got you 2 this.  
  
(Then Kain reaches into an empty bag and pulls his fist out)  
  
Kain: This is called a fist. (then he bops Turel) An excellent gift. (then he bops  
  
Melchiah's head, which then falls off)  
  
Turel: Ow!  
  
Kain: Hahahahahahahaha!! Now to give Rahab and Zephon their gifts!  
  
(then Kain locates Zephon and Rahab)  
  
Rahab: Hey Kain! What did you get us?  
  
Kain: Rahab, you get a book.  
  
(he gives Rahab a book entitled "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare)  
  
Kain: Now you can talk like those people. In other words, you're talking total crap that  
  
no one understands except other lonely geeks.  
  
Rahab: (unsure) Um...thanks?  
  
Kain: Wait! It's dark in here! Let me light this place up.  
  
(then he Immolates the book)  
  
Rahab: Kain!!  
  
Kain: Oops, I burned the last copy. So sad.  
  
Rahab: Zephon, run. His medication has worn off.  
  
(then Rahab ran away)  
  
Zephon: Oh, please don't hurt me!  
  
Kain: Oh don't worry, I would never hurt you! You like pudding, right?  
  
Zephon: (terrified) Uh-huh...  
  
Kain: That's good to know.  
  
(Kain pulls out some banana pudding)  
  
Kain: You want it?  
  
Zephon: Yeah!  
  
Kain: Fetch!  
  
(then Kain threw the pudding at Umah)  
  
Zephon: Pudding!  
  
(Kain walked over to Janos, happy to hear the sound of Zephon getting beat up)  
  
Kain: Hey Janos.  
  
Janos: Hey Santa Kain!  
  
Kain: Yes...anyway, I got you a gift as well.  
  
Janos: Really!? What is it?  
  
Kain: Janos, Janos, Janos. You truly ARE the mother they never had. I just want you to  
  
know that.  
  
Janos: Um...thanks?  
  
Kain: You're welcome.  
  
(Kain really hates Janos. Especially since Janos is a goody-goody. That's why he put  
  
Janos' name down on the sex-change list at the local hospital. Then Kain got to  
  
Moebius)  
  
Kain: Oh, hey, it's condom-face!  
  
Moebius: I can see the future. You're medication has worn off, you're mad, and you're  
  
about to punch me.  
  
Kain: That's right. (Kian punches him)  
  
Moebius: Ow! You're about to punch me three times while I stand here in pain.  
  
Kain: Correct again!  
  
(so then Kain punched Moebius 3 more times, knocking Moebius unconscious. The Kain  
  
walked off and found the calender. It was almost Christmas.)  
  
Kain: Hahahahaa! Time to celebrate the holiday...(Kain then grinned his evil grin  
  
and laughed his evil laugh...)  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
Got this one done finally! I love having a good excuse for making Kain incredibly out of character. Well, make sure you review! 


	9. You're A Mean One Mr Kain

Disclaimer: Don't own anyone or anyone  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
  
  
A/N: I accidentally made this fic way longer than planned, so read when you have the time.  
  
  
  
[The setting was the Pillars, but it was decorated with the usual Christmas decorations: Dead sarafan reafs, dead people painted green and red and any other holiday color, blood with red food coloring, and even a Christmas tree that Dumah stole from Moebius' house. The lieutenants had just gathered together to sing a Christmas song while the others were out]  
  
  
  
Zephon: (to Turel) How come YOU always get to sing the song?  
  
Turel: Because I won on that show "Nosgoth Idol."  
  
Raziel: Enough fussing!  
  
Dumah: Yeah, or I'll beat the crap outta both of you! Hey, keep fighting please.  
  
Rahab: Are we just gonna make the song up as we go?  
  
Melchiah: Well, we do that every year, why break a tradition?  
  
Raziel: I agree.  
  
Melchiah: But what if Kain comes in?  
  
Turel: Who cares?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, I'll just blame this all on Razzyboy and we'll be off the hook.  
  
Raziel: (to Dumah) I hate you. AND DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!!  
  
Turel: Ahem. (singing voice) (holding a mirror up to himself) On the first day of  
  
Christmas, I got resurrected with THIS really handsome face!  
  
On the second day of Christmas I gave to meeee  
  
Raziel and Rahab: 2 really dead sarafan!  
  
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!  
  
On the third  
  
day of Christmas-(then Dumah broke his mirror)  
  
THAT BASTARD DUMAH BROKE MY MIRROR!!  
  
Raziel and Rahab: 2 juicy sarafan!  
  
Melchiah: And the pretty boys' pretty boy face!  
  
Turel: (while beating up Dumah) On the fourth day of Christmas I gave to meeeee  
  
Melchiah: (his limbs fell off) My four limbs!!  
  
Turel: Idiot broke my mirror!!  
  
Raziel and Rahab: Two very dead sarafan!!  
  
Dumah: And the pretty boys' gay looking face!!  
  
Turel: On the fifth day of Christmas I stoooole  
  
FIVE OF VORADORS' RINGS!! (then Vorador appeared)  
  
Melchiah: Four o' my limbs  
  
Zephon: Idiot broke gay faces' mirror  
  
Raziel and Rahab: Two maimed sarafan  
  
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!  
  
On the sixth day of Christmas-(Kain came in, saw them caroling, and Immolated Turel)  
  
Zephon: Kain gave Turel six burn marks!! FIVE OF VORADOR'S RINGS, four o'  
  
Melchiah's limbs-(he sees everyone starring at him)  
  
Kain: Stupid singers!  
  
Zephon: Hey! I sing good!  
  
Kain: Yeah right! I bet I can sing better.  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah!? (Zephon gave Kain a microphone) Why don't you put your mouth  
  
where your...mouth is!  
  
Kain: You are such a retard! Christmas is stupid!  
  
Raziel: How can you think that? Do you know what Christmas is about?  
  
Kain: Yeah. Getting presents.  
  
Raziel: No! It's actually about something deeper.  
  
Kain: (irritated sigh) Don't go all Charlie Brown Christmas special on me.  
  
Melchiah: Oh yeah, I forgot all about the Charlie Brown Christmas special! I wonder if  
  
it's still on!  
  
Turel: I burn...  
  
Dumah: Hey, Turel's crispy!  
  
Turel: (to Kain) I'm surprised you don't like Christmas! You get stuff for FREE on  
  
Christmas!  
  
Kain: Rahab, get me something.  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Kain: I don't care, anything.  
  
(so Rahab brought him a Big Mac)  
  
Rahab: Always, McDonalds!  
  
Kain: (then Kain ate the Big Mac and punched Rahab) (to Turel) There, I got a Big Mac  
  
for free.  
  
Zephon: You've got to admit, he's got a point.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, but the magical thing about Christmas is that you get stuff for free  
  
without having to be violent!  
  
Kain: But that takes all the fun out of getting stuff for free!  
  
Dumah: How can you not like this time of year? I love it!  
  
Turel: Yeah, even the racist, sexist, asshole Dumah likes Christmas!  
  
Kain: I don't care!  
  
Melchiah: Can we still sing?  
  
Kain: Of course...outside!! GO!  
  
Raziel: You're mean. (Razzyboy walks out)  
  
Zephon: What's up with you? You have PMS? (then Zephon quickly ran out)  
  
Rahab: This is illogical.  
  
Kain: I don't care Data!  
  
Rahab: Hey, Data's cool! (then Rahab walked out)  
  
Dumah: Can I bring Bloodthirsty Demon with me?  
  
Kain: Who is Bloodthirsty Demon?  
  
Dumah: He's my maiming bird!  
  
Kain: Fine!  
  
(Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon leave)  
  
Melchiah: You're trying to take all the fun out of Christmas, but I won't let you. Fool.  
  
(then Melchiah left)  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes) Whatever Charlie Brown.  
  
Turel: Yeah! Well, you can't kick me out! I'm kicking myself out! Ha! (then Turel leaves)  
  
Kain: (closes the gates) What an idiot.  
  
  
  
[The scene is now outside in the freezing cold]  
  
Raziel: Is a-a-a-a-anyone c-c-c-cold?  
  
Dumah: Not really.  
  
Turel: Well that's cause Dumah has lot of layers on fat on him to keep him warm.  
  
Zephon: Ooh, good one.  
  
Dumah: It's not fat!! It's muscle!!  
  
Zephon: Yeah right. And Raziel is a man.  
  
Rahab: Hahaha.  
  
Raziel: I'm not a little boy, I'M A MAN!!  
  
Rahab: It IS a little chilly. We should find a warm place.  
  
Melchiah: I'm hungry.  
  
Dumah: No problem. (to Bloodthirsty Demon) Hey, go get us something to eat please! I  
  
will share my human remains with you!  
  
(then the maiming bird flew off)  
  
Dumah: I love that little guy.  
  
Melchiah: Hey, Kain's got our tree in there! We need to find a new one!  
  
Rahab: Good idea! Let's go!  
  
Raziel: And get somewhere warm. I'm freezing my butt off.  
  
Rahab: Do you even have one anymore? Hahaha! (then Rahab ran off)  
  
Raziel: (to Rahab) YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY MY WINGS WILL GROW BACK, THEN I'LL FLY  
  
AROUND AND KICK THE ASSES OF THE PEOPLE WHO PICKED ON ME!!  
  
  
  
[Back in the Pillars, Kain settled down in his thrown, happy that he caused spite on this joyous time of the year]  
  
Kain: That was fun.  
  
(Kain looks around at the holiday decorations)  
  
Kain: Well, I'll have to do something about this. I could always roast that tree over a  
  
fire.  
  
(Kain looks down at the tree and sees presents)  
  
Kain: What's this? A present for me?  
  
(then, all of a sudden, Magnus appears)  
  
Kain: AHHHHHHHHH!! (then Kain sees it's Magnus) Oh. AHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Magnus: KAIN!! I WAQS SENT HERE TO GIVE YOU MESSAGE!! AND I WANT MEAT!! 3  
  
CIRCLE MEMBERS OF AGES PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE WILL STOP BY! BE  
  
PREPARED FOR THE VISITATION!! MEAT!!  
  
(then Magnus ran up, bit Kain's arm, then ran away)  
  
Kain: What the hell is wrong with Magnus anyway?  
  
Vorador: Hey Kain, could you ask Moebius if I could have my body back?  
  
Kain: Why are you here?  
  
Vorador: Turel stole my rings.  
  
Kain: Oh.  
  
Vorador: You and I are alike Kain. You hate everyone. I hate everyone. Let us form an  
  
alliance, then we'll be unstoppable! Mwahahaha!  
  
Kain: Forget it, I'm NOT getting you a Christmas present!  
  
Vorador: Awww!  
  
  
  
[Meanwhile, the lieutenants and the maiming bird found an Inn to stay in]  
  
Dumah: Roasting chestnuts in the fire. Yummy looking.  
  
Zephon: That is quite possibly one of the sickest things EVER!  
  
Melchiah: Hey, since we've killed everyone here, Dumah can decorate and I can get us  
  
a tree!  
  
Rahab: You really like Christmas trees, don't you?  
  
Melchiah: Yep.  
  
Raziel: (wearing a big blue coat that covers his body and half his head and wearing a  
  
hat that covers the rest of his head) I'll go too.  
  
Melchiah: But you can't see!  
  
(then Raziel ignited his Soul Reaver and cut eye holes then turned off his Reaver)  
  
Raziel: Besides, my Reaver is perfect for cutting down Christmas trees.  
  
Turel: What do I do?  
  
Melchiah: Tape me the Charlie Brown Christmas special.  
  
Dumah: Come on Bloodthirsty Demon, let's go get some more decorations, and by  
  
getting more I mean, you maim and I finish them off!  
  
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon left)  
  
Rahab: They are such the perfect team.  
  
Raziel: We're off!  
  
(then Melchiah and Raziel left)  
  
Zephon: Who's up for a holiday drinking game!?  
  
Rahab: Heeey, that might not be a bad idea!  
  
Turel: Yes, but we'll need to sober up in time for opening presents.  
  
Rahab: Okay. But how will we open our presents? They're at the Pillars.  
  
Zephon: Do we remember what they were?  
  
Rahab: Yes.  
  
Zephon: Then we'll just get the presents again.  
  
Turel: Oh, okay.  
  
Zephon: Come, we must follow Dumah.  
  
Rahab: Why?  
  
Zephon: We drink each time him or Bloodthirsty Demon harms someone.  
  
Turel: Oh, this is gonna be fun.  
  
Rahab: Don't forget that special Melchiah wanted you to tape.  
  
Turel: Oh yeah. Well, let's go.  
  
  
  
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was just about to fall asleep because he was actually kind of bored since he had no one to terrorize, but then Ariel appeared]  
  
Kain: What do you want Ariel? I'm sleepy.  
  
Ariel: I am the Circle Member of Ages Past. I shall show you your past.  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes) Very clever. What good will that do? I already know my past.  
  
Ariel: Yes, but you shall see. Grab my hand.  
  
(Kain grabs her hand and she flies up, holding onto Kain. She heads towards the  
  
ceiling, still holding Kain)  
  
Kain: (while ascending to the ceiling) Ariel! Ceiling! You no solid you go through, I solid  
  
so my head goes 'bonk' when I hit the ceiling!  
  
(then Ariel floated through the ceiling, but, as Kain said, his head went 'bonk' and he  
  
fell all the way to the floor. When Ariel saw this she went back down to get him)  
  
Ariel: What happened?  
  
Kain: (aggravated) I NO GO THROUGH SOLID STUFF!!  
  
Ariel: Oh yeah...follow me then.  
  
(so Kain followed Ariel as the went outside)  
  
Ariel: Now grab onto my hand.  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh goody, you gonna give me pixie dust so I can fly?  
  
Ariel: No. But if a drop you you will die.  
  
Kain: Please tell me that you lie.  
  
Ariel: I no lie. If I drop you, you'll surely die. That was a good set of rhymes. Now let's  
  
go!  
  
  
  
[So Ariel holds onto Kain and they fly and getting teleported to the past when young Kain was still in school]  
  
Kain: (seeing himself) It's me when I was in school! I HATE SCHOOL! Especially Math!  
  
Young Kain: I hate school! Especially Math!  
  
Kain: (amazed) Did he just hear me?  
  
Ariel: No you idiot! No one can see or hear us! Don't you watch movies?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Young Kain: I love Christmas. Christmas was a time of love and care and a time of  
  
giving, NOT receiving! Christmas is all about love and family.  
  
Kain: (disgusted) Oh please, haunt me no longer Circle Member! I was a total dork  
  
then! Ariel: We're not done yet. You still have more pain to go through.  
  
Kain: I hate you Ariel.  
  
  
  
[So Ariel led him to when he was older and was at a tavern]  
  
Human Kain: No drink for a weary traveler.  
  
Bartender: No. Go away!  
  
(so Human Kain was kicked out)  
  
Kain: I still have yet to find that bartender and totally kick his-  
  
Ariel: So are you sad?  
  
Kain: No! And nothing you can do can make me sad!  
  
  
  
[So Ariel led him to when he killed Umah]  
  
BO2 Kain: (kills Umah) Now you're dead.  
  
(tries to get her gift but fails)  
  
BO2 Kain: Umah!! You left your gift at home!! That was the only reason I killed you! Aw  
  
crap! I'll be getting pissed off about this one for a while!  
  
Kain: Okay, now I'm pissed off!  
  
Ariel: Later on you'll get a visit from the Circle Member of Ages Present. Be ready.  
  
Kain: Fine!  
  
Ariel: Oh, and one more thing.  
  
Kain: Yes?  
  
(so she punched him in the jaw, there was a white flash, and he was back on his throne  
  
with an aching jaw. Meanwhile, Raziel and Melchiah were in a forest searching for a  
  
tree)  
  
Melchiah: I love snow!  
  
Raziel: It's still cold!  
  
Melchiah: Don't complain.  
  
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!  
  
Melchiah: No.  
  
Raziel: (points to tree) There's a tree!  
  
Melchiah: No.  
  
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!  
  
Melchiah: We aren't playing "Spot the Tree." I hate that game. We need to find a tree  
  
with a certain aura. A certain soul. A certain radiance.  
  
Raziel: Riiiiiiiight...  
  
Melchiah: A tree that screams out "Find me for I am a lost lonely wonder. I am  
  
mistaken. I am a great deserving one. I need a home."  
  
Raziel: Are you high?  
  
Melchiah: Certainly not. And I resent that.  
  
(so they walk along and Melchiah finally spots the perfect tree)  
  
Melchiah: (pointing) THERE! THERE'S THE PERFECT TREE! It screams "Beauty in the  
  
soul."  
  
Raziel: I bet you would make a wonderful poet.  
  
Melchiah: Yeah, I would wouldn't I?  
  
Raziel: (looking at the tree Melchiah pointed to) Melchiah, there's only one problem.  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Raziel: IT'S A FREAKIN' TWIG!  
  
(sure enough, that 'tree' was a twig with a few bits of pine pointing out)  
  
Melchiah: In its material form it looks like just a twig, but it's really the most touching,  
  
beautiful tree ever.  
  
Raziel: Well, we can see about that.  
  
(so Raziel shifted into Spectral Realm and the twig turned into the most beautiful tree  
  
ever)  
  
Raziel: Oh my lord, Melchiah was right.  
  
  
  
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was playing ping-pong with Vorador's head. Somehow,  
  
Moebius' body had been snatched from Vorador is Vorador's sleep]  
  
Kain: I love playing ping-pong against myself.  
  
(he hit Vorador's head, teleported to the other side of the table, hit it again, teleported  
  
to the other side of table and so on)  
  
Kain: When did you say you first noticed it?  
  
Vorador's head: When I got teleported here during Turel's song.  
  
Kain: Baah! Humbug! Christmas is stupid!  
  
Vorador's head: I wonder what I'm getting for Christmas?  
  
Kain: Nothing from me!  
  
(then the lights went out)  
  
Kain: Wait, since when did I ever have lights?  
  
(Okay then, it got so dark that Kain couldn't see. That better?)  
  
Kain: Yep.  
  
(Retard)  
  
Kain: Hey!  
  
???: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present.  
  
Vorador's head: Ooh, does that mean we get presents?  
  
???: No you retard!  
  
Vorador's head: Oh.  
  
Kain: Turn the lights on and show yourself!  
  
(but there are no lights remember?)  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Give me light!  
  
(so the place lights up)  
  
Malek: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present!  
  
Vorador's head: Oh no it's Malek!  
  
Kain: Go ahead, show me the present.  
  
Vorador's head: Me too!  
  
Malek: No! You're a perverted freak! Come Kain!  
  
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to a forest where Raziel and Melchiah are walking  
  
away holding a twig)  
  
Melchiah: What's with Kain?  
  
Raziel: I know what's wrong with Kain. He's a jackass.  
  
Melchiah: Oh, okay.  
  
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. Show me more.  
  
Malek: You ready?  
  
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to where Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon are killing  
  
people)  
  
Dumah: (seeing Bloodthirsty Demon maim someone) Hahaha! Hey maiming bird, I  
  
need to tell you something about Kain. Kain's a jackass.  
  
Kain: HE THINKS SO TOO!? DAMN YOU DUMAH!! Oops, I mean DAMN YOU RAZIEL!  
  
Malek: Have you noticed that nobody likes you Kain?  
  
Kain: Send me elsewhere.  
  
(so Kain and Malek teleport to behind a bush where Zephon, Turel, and Rahab are  
  
playing their drinking game)  
  
Turel: It's so fun seeing Dumah kill people!  
  
Rahab: Yeah!  
  
Zephon: Hey guys, I've just noticed something!  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Zephon: Kain is a jackass!  
  
Kain: AGAIN WITH THE JACKASS! I HATE THE PRESENT! AND I HATE YOU MALEK!  
  
JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE, I'M PISSED OFF!  
  
Malek: Right away. Just remember that the Circle Member of Ages Future will arrive.  
  
Kain: FINE!  
  
(so Malek popped Kain upside the Kain and Kain reappered on his throne)  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Will this nightmare ever end?  
  
(he sees Vorador's head bobble an a porn magazine)  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) You are so pathetic Vorador.  
  
Vorador's head: I can't reach the edge of the page! Will you turn the page for me Kain?  
  
(so Kain gets an evil idea. He picks up the magazine and puts it on a page with a naked  
  
guy and puts it under Vorador's head so that Vorador's head has to stare at it and can't  
  
turn the page)  
  
Vorador's head: Hey Kain! Bad page! You accidentally put it on a bad page! Turn the  
  
page! Kain, please turn the page! I hate you Kain!  
  
  
  
[Meanwhile, Raziel and Rahab returned to the Inn, which looked very Christmassy (for a  
  
vampire Christmas) and they set the twig down. A partly drunken Rahab, Zephon, and  
  
Turel tumble in and see the twig]  
  
Turel: Wow! I must be really drunk because that looks like a twig!  
  
Rahab: Yeah, I see it too!  
  
Zephon: Well I must be the mostest drunkest of you alls, because it doesn't klook like a  
  
tweeg. It lookkkks like a banarnar puuuuuuding.  
  
(they all stare at him)  
  
Zephon: What? Eet does lookkks like a banarnar puuuuuuuding.  
  
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon burst in)  
  
Dumah: (sees the twig) G'damn, I really hate you Melchiah.  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Dumah: Razzyboy, come here. I need to talk to you.  
  
(so Raziel goes to Dumah)  
  
Dumah: Why do you do these things to me? Why?  
  
Raziel: It may look like just a crappy twig, but it's really beautiful.  
  
Dumah: EVERYONE! (everyone looks at him) Melchiah has screwed up our Christmas  
  
tree! Let's get a good one!  
  
(then all but Raziel leaves)  
  
Raziel: It really isn't too bad. It's really quite beautiful. Where are some lights?  
  
  
  
[Back at the Pillars, Kain is busy using Vorador's head as a doorstop and Kain keeps  
  
slamming the door over and over to see if his head remains a good doorstop)  
  
Kain: This is fun!  
  
Vorador's head: Ow! I think I'd rather be on that magazine...  
  
Kain: (funny look) (blinking) For some reason, I'm not surprised.  
  
(then Moebius suddenly appears! He has his head and his body back together again)  
  
Moebius: (while waving his HUGE hands about) I am the Circle Member of Ages Future.  
  
Kain: AHHH!! Stop waving your big-ass balloon hands around! You might smack me and  
  
knock my head off with your huge inflated hands!  
  
Moebius: What are you talking about? (starts waving HUGE hands again)  
  
Kain: (trying hard to avoid the huge hands) I took you in and this is how you repay  
  
me!? By trying to his me with your gorilla hands!?  
  
Moebius: I don't have huge hands!!  
  
Kain: Yes you do! You have mammoth hands!  
  
Moebius: (devious smile) Hey, you know what they say about people with HUGE hands  
  
right? You know what I mean?  
  
Kain: Oh my lord, you're as pathetic as Vorador.  
  
Moebius: Now, I shall let you look into the future.  
  
Kain: No no no no no no no no! I HATE time travel!  
  
Moebius: This isn't the same.  
  
(Moebius teleports Kain to the future. Raziel sits on Kain's throne! Zephon has built a  
  
ship called the Starship Enterprise and is the brave, intelligent captain. Dumah is an  
  
aerobics instructor with the fake name of Richard Simmons. Rahab is the leader of a  
  
mafia who's nickname is Salvatore Leone, Turel has started a singing career and  
  
everyone knows him by the name Ozzy Ozbourne, and Melchiah has created a comic  
  
strip called Peanuts. Kain, however, goes by his fake name Bill Clinton who just had an  
  
affair with Ariel, who is known as Monica Lewensky. Right now they are at the Pillars  
  
and Kain has crawled up to Raziel)  
  
Future Kain: Please, Raziel, clear my name! I did not have an affair! It will ruin my  
  
political state!  
  
Future Raziel: No! HahahahahahahahZhahahahaha! Why was there a capital 'Z' in my  
  
laugh?  
  
Zephon: Help...we are...being followed by...an unidentified craft. We  
  
may...get very...injured. Scotty!  
  
Hash: Ay, captain?  
  
Zephon: We really...need to do...something if...we want to...live. Get  
  
me...Spock.  
  
Hash: Spock, come here!  
  
(Magnus enters)  
  
Magnus: MEAT CAPTAIN!  
  
Zephon: Spock!  
  
Magnus: YES?  
  
Zephon: Please...get me...headache medicine. Borgs are...killing...us!  
  
Magnus: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! MEAT! (then Magnus done that thing Spock does  
  
with his finger then left)  
  
Kain: Oh, please get me outta here Moebius!  
  
Moebius: If you're not nice, this will happen!  
  
Kain: I'm doomed. (then Kain brightens up) I have an affair with Ariel! Alright!  
  
(then Moebius bitch-slapps him and Kain appears back at his throne in the present)  
  
Kain: (his entire hand is red because of Moebius' huge deformed hand) I've gotta be  
  
evil so I can have an affair!  
  
  
  
[Back at the Inn, Raziel had decorated the twig with all sorts of ornaments, even a  
  
dead body ornament! But the twig didn't break and everyone found that out when they  
  
went inside. Dumah was carrying the tree]  
  
Rahab: Wow! It's beautiful!  
  
Zephon: Fantabulous!  
  
Turel: Neat-o frito!  
  
Melchiah: Raziel! You've decorated it!  
  
Rahab: Dumah, put away the 500-pound tree! This twig IS our tree!  
  
Dumah: AW SON OF A BITCH!! SO I LUGGED THIS EXTREMELY HEAVY TREE AROUND  
  
FOR NOTHING!! SON OF A-  
  
Zephon: This twig is magical.  
  
Dumah: I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!  
  
(then Dumah stormed out. Kain appeared)  
  
Raziel: (sarcastically) Oh yay, it's Kain.  
  
Kain: Hey guys! I brought presents! Moebius and Vorador's head are here too, along  
  
with Janos!  
  
Rahab: Really?  
  
Kain: Yep! I'm in the holiday spirit!  
  
Raziel: Are you lying?  
  
Kain: No!  
  
(then Kain gave them all parents)  
  
Kain: And I'm not on medication! (to himself) These presents should make me mean  
  
enough!  
  
(then Dumah entered and got a present)  
  
Zephon: Ooh, what is it! (then Kain opened the box and there was an empty box inside.  
  
At first Zephon had a shocked look. But then) YAY!! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MY OWN  
  
BOX! YIPEE!  
  
(then Zephon ran around in his box)  
  
Kain: (rolls eyes)  
  
Raziel: (opens his present and finds 2 of Janos' feathers. Raziel puts them on and flies)  
  
Awesome! Coolness! Uber-awesome!  
  
Kain: I'm stuck with idiots.  
  
Melchiah: (opened gift to find duck-tape) Yay! Now my limbs won't fall off!  
  
Kain: (to himself) He's supposed to take that as an insult.  
  
Turel: (open his and finds half a microphone. The top half is missing) This is awesome!  
  
This will go with the top half of microphone that Dumah gave me as a present!  
  
Dumah: What about me?  
  
Kain: You got your maiming bird!  
  
Dumah: Oh yeah. Awesome!  
  
Rahab: And me! (he opened his present and found a Spanish Dictionary) This is uber-  
  
cool. Now I can curse people out in Spanish!  
  
Kain: (to himself) I'm doomed to become Bill Clinton!  
  
Moebius: (holding a huge present) (to Vorador) Vorador, here's your gift from me.  
  
(Moebius opens the gift and it's Vorador's body!)  
  
Vorador's head: YAY! THANK YOU MOEBIUS!!  
  
Janos: That was very sweet Moebius.  
  
Moebius: Aw, that's nice of you! I sound so gay right now.  
  
(Raziel went over to Kain)  
  
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.  
  
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?  
  
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.  
  
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!  
  
(Kain races over to Dumah)  
  
Raziel: You'd think for ONCE it's get the credit! Merry Christmas!  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
I accidentally made this fic longer than I meant, but oh well. PLEASE REVIEW or I'll end up with an astonishing 0 reviews like last time (I must be the only person in fanfic history to post a chapter into an already existing fic and get 0 reviews for it)! Oh well, that was the past! Hope you liked this chapter and the last chapter might be the last. There, you will find out what Kain's gift was! Merry Christmas and review! 


	10. Kain's Park O' Torture

Disclaimer: Last time. Don't own LoK. Don't own LoK characters  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
[Previously on It Started With A Trial...]  
  
/Flashback/  
  
(Raziel went over to Kain)  
  
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.  
  
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?  
  
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.  
  
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!  
  
/End Flashback/  
  
[The setting is an abandoned parking lot and Kain was staring at his gift. His gift was a key. And the key led to the place that was next to a parking lot. It was a theme park]  
  
Kain: This is like, uber-kickass! I uber-love theme parks and ever since I filmed Blood  
  
Omen 1, I've ALWAYS wanted my own theme park!!  
  
Raziel: So, I take it you like my gift?  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) I DO!! I LOVE IT!!  
  
Dumah: Geeheehee.  
  
Raziel: Aw damn it Kain!  
  
Zephon: I love theme parks! But I once had a traumatic experience.  
  
Rahab: When?  
  
Zephon: Well, I was in this place and clones of me were everywhere. Whenever I done  
  
something, they would copy me just to annoy me!  
  
Turel: Um...  
  
Zephon: WAIT! IT GETS WORSE! Then I got frustrated and punched one, but it hurt me  
  
instead. I think it hurt him too because we punched each other's fists!  
  
Melchiah: I have the answer for th-  
  
Zephon: AND THEN! And then they were all around me! They had surrounded me! And  
  
they still mocked me! I fainted from panic. To this day, I still haven't figured out what  
  
happened.  
  
Raziel: Ahem, Zephon, I can tell you.  
  
Zephon: (in hysteria) CAN YOU!? CAN YOU REALLY!?  
  
Dumah: No he can't. Hey Zephon, do you like the House of Mirrors?  
  
Zephon: Yeah, I think so. And it's strange, but my evil cloned followed me into the  
  
House of Mirrors. It was strange. But yeah, I like those places.  
  
Dumah: (evil grin) (to Zephon) Wanna join me in the House of Mirrors?  
  
Zephon: YAY! I wanna!  
  
Rahab: (to Kain) What are you going to call this place?  
  
Kain: Kain's Park O' Torture!  
  
Turel: Lame name.  
  
Kain: But suiting. You see, take that ride when you get into a fake space ship and the  
  
mechanism swings you in circles.  
  
Turel: And...  
  
Kain: When it's a full speed, I'll detach the space ship and send it flying! Mwahahaha!  
  
Dumah: Hey, are pets allowed?  
  
Kain: Only one's that are...intemperate.  
  
Dumah: Yay! Here Bloodthirsty Demon!  
  
(then his maiming bird, Bloodthirsty Demon, came)  
  
Dumah: Good Bloodthirsty Demon!  
  
Kain: And what else can I do?  
  
Moebius: (who had somehow sneaked up on them) Yo' homeboys, what'chas up to?  
  
Kain: (irritated sigh) What are you doing here?  
  
Moebius: Checkin' out this new place o' yo's. It looks tight.  
  
Turel: Moebius, what the hell is wrong with you?  
  
Moebius: I'M A RAPPER FOO'!  
  
Turel: You pathetic bastard...  
  
Moebius: So let's get dis straight, you ownin' a theme park Big Daddy K?  
  
Kain: Yes. Oh! You guys know those rides where you sit in those spinning cups!?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Kain: Well, I'm gonna make them spin 130mph and then detach them and kill people!  
  
Moebius: Yeah, dat's da stuff I'm talkin' bout!  
  
Kain: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!  
  
Melchiah: Oh, I wanna go on the ferris wheel! I love ferris wheel!  
  
Rahab: Yes, they are quite extraordinary.  
  
Moebius: Yeah, dis stuff is the tight stuff 'ere!  
  
Turel: For the love of Elder God, shut up Moebius.  
  
Moebius: Wha? Do you know who you MESSIN' WITH!! DO YOU KNOW FOO'!!  
  
Kain: ENOUGH! I just wanna enjoy my theme park! Let's go ahead and let people in!  
  
[6 hours later no one has come in]  
  
Kain: Well why the hell is that?!  
  
(because you're in a run-down park with no way of anyone knowing you're here!)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah!  
  
(then Kain goes to the ticket booth and calls for his lieutenants. Rahab and Melchiah  
  
come with cotton candy, Turel comes, Razzyboy looks bored, and Dumah is dragging  
  
Zephon's unconscious body)  
  
Kain: Razzyoby, what's wrong?  
  
Raziel: I'm bored.  
  
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. (sees Turel grinning) You sure look pleased Turel.  
  
Turel: I found a karaoke machine.  
  
Kain: Oh my lord no.  
  
Turel: Yay! (starts singing) Everybody have fun tonight!  
  
Everybody have fun!  
  
Everybody-  
  
(then Kain punches him and looks at Dumah and Zephon)  
  
Kain: What's wrong with Uber-Idiot?  
  
Dumah: (evil grin) I took him to the House of Mirrors!  
  
Kain: (patting Dumah's head) You're a good boy. Much better than RAZIEL!! Raziel so  
  
totally SUCKS when compared to you Dumah.  
  
Raziel: I'm just gonna go crawl up into a corner and cry somewhere.  
  
(then Raziel leaves and Moebius and Magnus steps up)  
  
Moebius: Yo' 'omeboy dis place has got it goin' on!  
  
Kain: I think I'd rather have Raziel here than you Moebius.  
  
Raziel: (from far away) Really!?  
  
Kain: (to Razzyboy) No, not really!  
  
Raziel: (from far away) NOBODY LOVES ME!!  
  
Kain: (looking at Magnus) What're you doing here?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A FANFIC THAT MAGNUS HIMSELF IS  
  
WRITING!! IT'S CALLED "I LOVE MEAT!" AND YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT!  
  
Kain: Right...  
  
Magnus: (looking at Melchiah) THAT GUY LOOKS KINDA LIKE A CHICKEN! MAGNUS  
  
LOVES CHICKEN!  
  
Kain: No Magnus, I need him right now.  
  
Magnus: EAT MORE CHIKIN! LIKE ON CHICK-FIL-A SIGNS! MELCHIAH-PERSON KINDA  
  
LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN!  
  
Kain: He isn't.  
  
Magnus: ARE YOU SURE? MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS DETACHABLE LIMBS LIKE CHICKEN!  
  
Kain: He's not a frickin' chicken!  
  
Melchiah: That rhymes!  
  
Kain: Shut up!  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS RESPECTS KAINKAIN AND ALL, BUT MELCHIAH-PERSON LOOKS  
  
LIKE CHICKEN! HE EVEN HAS APPATIZING CHICKEN LEGS AND CHICKEN BREASTS!  
  
Dumah: Chicken breasts? Oh, I'm gonna remember that one.  
  
Melchiah: Hey hey hey!  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS THINKS MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS YUMMY CHICKEN THIGHS! YUMMY  
  
CHICKEN LEGS AND YUMMY CHICKEN BREASTS! KAINKAIN, CAN MAGNUS EAT  
  
MELCHIAH-PERSON ANYTIME SOON?  
  
Kain: No! No no no no no no no no no no! Magnus cannot eat Melchiah-person at all!  
  
Magnus: FINE, THEN MAGNUS WILL LEAVE! BUT DON'T FORGET TO READ MAGNUS'  
  
FANFIC STORY AND REVIEW PLEASE!! I'LL BE EATING YOU LATER MELCHIAH-PERSON  
  
SO BYE FOR NOW!  
  
(then Magnus runs off)  
  
Melchiah: That guy scares the hell outta me. I really think he wants to eat me.  
  
Kain: Well, don't worry because...he does, so I guess you should worry.  
  
Moebius: Yo', so when we gonna open up dis place, dog?  
  
Kain: How about you STOP BEING AN IDIOT MOEBIUS!  
  
Moebius: Hey hey hey! I'm no idiot you foo'! I'm da leadin' white rapper, so deal wid it!  
  
Turel: I know a lot about music, but Moebius IS NOT a rapper! I bet he can't even spell  
  
rapper.  
  
Moebius: Of course I can foo'! It is spelled R-A-P-E-E-R! What an idiot you are my  
  
stupid vampiric brudda!  
  
Turel: That's not how you spell rapper you moron! Die!  
  
(then Kain holds them apart)  
  
Kain: Stop your stupid lady cat-fights! What's important here is getting my park open!  
  
Turel: But Moebius started it!  
  
Moebius: You foo'! Dat Turel punk started dis!  
  
Kain: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?  
  
Turel: ...  
  
Moebius: ...foo's.  
  
(then Zephon regains consciousness)  
  
Zephon: (sees Kain starring at Turel and Moebius) A starring contest! Cool! I go against  
  
the winner!  
  
Kain: Shut up Zephon! We're trying to find a way to get my park running!  
  
Zephon: How, by starring at Moebius and Turel? That's an odd way.  
  
Kain: I really hate you Zephon.  
  
Raziel: (walks back to the lieutenants) I've got an idea.  
  
Dumah: Well, what is it crybaby?  
  
Raziel: First, I'd like to say this. (then Raziel punches Dumah in the face)  
  
Zephon: (to Raziel) That's not saying something; that's doing something! Idiot!  
  
Raziel: (stares at Zephon like Zephon's an idiot, then) And second, we need to promote.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Raziel: You see, if we promote the park, people will come, you will kill them, and we'll  
  
have a yummy feast.  
  
Kain: Good idea Razzyboy.  
  
Dumah: (in pain) Don't you mean 'Good idea Dumah?'  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I do. Good idea Dumah.  
  
Dumah: (wicked grin)  
  
Raziel: (punches Dumah's face again)  
  
Kain: But what are we gonna promote?  
  
Raziel: We will promote Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1!  
  
Kain: Really good idea!  
  
Dumah: (still in pain) And we can also have Marcus promote us! Marcus rules!  
  
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!  
  
Raziel: I sometimes hate you Kain.  
  
Turel: I could sing for the people!  
  
Kain: How would that help?  
  
Turel: If a sing something truly beautiful and classy, we'll attract classy people and get  
  
more money!  
  
Kain: Good idea!  
  
Moebius: I could sing!  
  
Kain: Shut up, you're stupid!  
  
Turel: (using most beautiful singing voice and standing outside the park in the streets)  
  
I don't feel a thing  
  
and I stopped remembering  
  
The days are just like moments turned to hours  
  
(a large crowd has turned up and are paying)  
  
Mother used to say  
  
if you want, you'll find a way  
  
Bet mother never danced through fire shower  
  
(a bigger crowd)  
  
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain  
  
I walk in the rain, in the rain  
  
Is it right or is it wrong  
  
and is it here that I belong  
  
(then Moebius throws a rock upside the back of Turel's head, pissing off the people who  
  
were listening to Turel)  
  
Moebius: Boo!! You suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!  
  
Turel: (PO'ed) I'd like to see you do better!  
  
Moebius: Fine! I will!  
  
(Moebius steps up)  
  
Moebius: Ladies and gentlemen, I shall sing for you!  
  
Zephon: You already suuuuuuck!!  
  
Moebius: (with an old crackling voice) I will sing to you the famous classical song  
  
entitled YMCA.  
  
Turel: Moebius is the most insulting singer since the band Toto.  
  
Moebius: (in old crusty voice)  
  
Young man, dere's no need to feeeeel down  
  
I sade, young maaaan, peeeck yo'self off da ground  
  
I sade, young maaaan, 'cause yo're in a new towwwwn  
  
Dere's no need to be unhappy  
  
(the crowd starts informing Moebius that he sucks-horribly)  
  
Moebius: (old crusty voice)  
  
Young maaaan, dere's a place yo can go  
  
I sade, young maaaan, when yo're short on yo're dough  
  
You can stay ere, and I'm sure yo will find  
  
Many ways to have a goood time  
  
(then Moebius starts to run in circles and waving his big hands in all sorts of directions  
  
while hopping and giggling like an idiot)  
  
Moebius: (in cheerleader-like happy voice)  
  
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!  
  
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!  
  
Raziel: That's it! I can't take anymore of this!  
  
(then Raziel steals a gun from...somewhere and shoots Moebius in the ass)  
  
Moebius: (high-pitched voice) (he's stopped dancing) Someone shot ME IN MY ASS!  
  
OWWWIE!  
  
Crowd: Yay!  
  
Kain: Okay, if you people liked that, you'll get better stuff in my park!  
  
Crowd: Yay!!  
  
(so the crowd rushed in only to find that everything was closed and there was no key to  
  
unlock anything with, they were disappointed and ran out)  
  
Kain: (while banging his head against a wall) I hate Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth. I hate  
  
Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth.  
  
Rahab: Um Kain...how are we gonna open things up?  
  
Kain: (looking at Rahab) WELL THAT'S FINE! YOU FIND A WAY! THAT'S FINE! I'M  
  
GONNA GO TO A CORNOR AND CRY SOMEWHERE! (then Kain storms off)  
  
Rahab: (sighs) There's always gotta be a problem.  
  
Dumah: I know! I'll punch the closed doors open!  
  
(so Dumah goes to a ride, but the old wooden door is in the way. Dumah rears back his  
  
fist and punches the door with all his might. Rahab watches)  
  
Dumah: ...  
  
Rahab: The doors still completely attached.  
  
Dumah: (twitches eyes)  
  
Rahab: Something wrong?  
  
Dumah: OWWWWW! I THINK I BROKE MY PINKY! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!  
  
Rahab: Hehehehehehe!  
  
Dumah: (holding his hurt hand with his good hand) I think I broke something. I think I  
  
broke my frickin' hand! Owies, it hurts! And it burns! I think I broke something.  
  
Rahab: Hahahahaha!  
  
Dumah: I'll beat you up! Give me your best shot!  
  
(then Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)  
  
Dumah: Ow! Hahahahaha, that really hurt!  
  
Rahab: Yeha, it's funny when people get hurt!  
  
Dumah: Yeah! Hahahahaha!  
  
(then Dumah punches Rahab and Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)  
  
Rahab: Hahahaha!  
  
Dumah: (while laughing) That hurt like hell! Hahahahaha! You got a good shot there!  
  
Melchiah: (sees what's going on) Dumah is such a retard.  
  
(Raziel walks over to a corner to see Kain rolled up in a ball)  
  
Raziel: You okay.  
  
Kain: I hate everyone.  
  
Raziel: C'mon Kain, think! If you think, you'll find a way to open this place up!  
  
[6 months later]  
  
Kain: (still in his corner with Razzyboy beside him) Nope, ain't think of nothing.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
Kain: THIS SUCKS!  
  
Raziel: Yeah, it sure does.  
  
Kain: You know what? Screw this! SCREW THIS PARK!! Dumah, come here!  
  
(then Dumah, who's wearing a cast, comes to Kain)  
  
Kain: Dumah, YOU SUCK! THIS GIFT IS A PIECE OF TRASH! I HATE YOU SO BADLY  
  
DUMAH! I'M SO PISSED AT YOU!  
  
Dumah: Don't you mean you're pissed at Razzyboy?  
  
Kain: No, I'm pissed at you! Dumah you stupid idiot!  
  
(then Kain punches his broken arm)  
  
Kain: How do you like that!  
  
Dumah: (while laughing) It's funny when people get hurt! Hahahaha! You got me good!  
  
Kain: You stupid freak! Come Razzyboy, you will now help me make my movie! Screw  
  
this stupid gift that my least favorite son Dumah gave me! Follow me my favorite son  
  
whom is named Raziel!  
  
(then Kain leaves)  
  
Raziel: (to Dumah) Hahahahaha! I as the best, you are the worst!  
  
  
  
[6 months later, Kain and the lieutenants and Moebius are in Hollywood filming their next big movie]  
  
  
  
Kain: (talking to a reporter) Well, we have a higher budget for Kain Presents: Soul  
  
Reaver 1, so more special effects will be use, like me eating a CG hotdog.  
  
Reporter: Can we get a cast?  
  
Kain: Not quite yet. I'm also gonna get some big names to help with production, like  
  
the kind of things that happen behind the scenes.  
  
Reporter: Like who?  
  
Kain: I've been surfing the net and some famous people will be in. I've selected some  
  
people called 'authors' to help with behind the scenes stuff.  
  
Reporter: What happened to your theme park?  
  
Kain: That SOB DUMAH IS STUPID! Enough said!  
  
Reporter: Well, we can't wait to see it. Are you worried about your competition?  
  
Kain: What competition?  
  
Reporter: The film "Still Can't Catch Me" by Marcus.  
  
Kain: I'm not worried! Marcus is stupid!  
  
Reporter: Do you think everyone's stupid?  
  
Kain: Yes. Now go away. You're stupid too!  
  
(then Zephon walks up)  
  
Zephon: Hey, can I reprise my roll as Ariel. As you know, dressing like a woman can be  
  
a very zen-like experience.  
  
Kain: Yes you can.  
  
Zephon: Yay!  
  
Reporter: This is Dean Earwicker signing off.  
  
Kain: Good, get outta here you freaks! People, get ready for Kain Presents: Soul Reaver  
  
1! I'm so cool.  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Well, that was the last chapter. Soon you will be able to look forward to not 1, not 2, but 3 new LoK fics from me! One is the long-awaited sequel Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1. The second is called "I Love Meat" which is the fic that Magnus made, so expect tons of spelling errors. The third is another Kain Presents, but it isn't a parody of an LoK game. Well, hope you had a good Christmas and you can look forward to more new fics from me soon. 


End file.
